A letter to my Dad

Dear Dad-
A year ago today I never imagined upon seeing you safely home after your surgery that it would be the very last time I would ever be able to talk with you. I never dreamed that five days later I’d be back in time to be with you as you took your very last breath.

It has been a sad day, gloomy inside and out today. I miss you. I miss hearing your stories of the past and your laugh. I miss getting a hug from you.

It still is so very hard to believe some moments that you have died. I wish it weren’t true. I wish I could go back in time and have you in my life all over again. I wish I could savor every single moment I had with you knowing now what it is like that you are gone.

I have a few special things you gave me sitting on my dresser—a chocolate filled teddy bear, a valentine kitty cat, the cat doll you so proudly found and brought back from a trip after your stroke. These gifts mean so much more to me now than they even did the days you gave them to me.

I still have that big black and white teddy bear you gave me as a baby sitting proudly on a chair. I know I was loved by you. I am grateful for all the ways I could count on you and all you gave to me.

I’ve learned much going through this last year without you. I know what it is like to lose a parent. In ways the anticipation was worse than the actual event.

I know what it is like to sit with someone as they go about the process of dying. I was somehow able to find the strength to tell you it was ok for you to go. I know in my heart it was your time. I’ve been able to let go of some of my need for control.

I know it is important to pay up attention to the moments that we have in life and to enjoy the people who matter the most to us for we just never never know when the very last day we have with them will be.

Thank you for being such a good dad to me!
I love you-
Jude

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