Helping someone with anxiety

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My friend/loved one has anxiety—what can I do?

Ever wonder how best to talk to someone when they are filled with anxiety? It’s not easy to know what to say. Sometimes we can say things that really don’t help but rather hurt. Read on to learn some tools to help your friend best cope in the moment with anxiety.

Telling your loved one full of anxiety to “calm down“ really is not helpful.

When we say things like this it minimizes the persons experience. In reality the person most likely has used the tools they know to help themselves. Their anxiety experience is largely an involuntary reaction like a racing heartbeat, sweating, shaking, upset stomach, racing thoughts.

Rather, say that you can see they are scared right now and ask if you can sit and join them. Show some kindness and warm empathy. Or suggest you both go someplace quiet and go for a walk. An opportunity to decompress might be very helpful.

Saying “there’s nothing to be anxious about” dismisses your loved one’s anxiety experience.

It can add to the person’s edginess, wondering if they’re doing something wrong. To your friend what they are anxious about it a big deal and that is what is important. Anxiety is not responsive to logic, it’s all emotion.

To really help, let them know what they are going through is hard and ask them if they’d like to share what is on their mind. Be a lending ear and let them externalize what they are going through. This can offer them some space between themselves and their worries. And help them to put things in perspective.

Making statements like “are you worried again?” is belittling and creates shame.

You are communicating your contempt of this person and judging them. If you are frustrated with your loved one’s anxiety this is something for you to work on for yourself. It’s not your friends’ job to fix it for you.

It’s more helpful to say you’ve noticed they are tenser and ask if everything is ok. By being curious you open the door for your loved one to share with you. You’ve noticed, you care and are concerned. And you are someone safe they can open up and share their worries with.

Insisting “everything’s goanna be fine” is false reassurance.

In reality your loved one might be worrying about something that really could happen or has no chance of it. You don’t know till you understand what is on their mind.

To be useful, help your friend talk through potential outcomes and make plans for how to handle each one. They will gain perspective and be prepared.

Declaring “you are overreacting” is painfully dismissive.

It deepens a person’s self-doubt to hear this. Self-doubt goes hand in hand with anxiety. Know your loved one already feels like a burden. Comments like this create even more anxiety for your loved one.

Instead let them know that their reaction makes sense given what they have been through. This reassurance affirms them and their emotional experience.

Demanding your loved one “stop thinking that way” minimizes their very real anxiety symptoms.

Know that your friend truly is not able to easily let whatever it is go. Saying ‘just stop it’ is hurtful. If they could have just stopped it they would have, right?

Rather, you might ask them to sit down and take three deep breaths with you. Doing simple breathing work might be just enough to reset their nervous system. And allow the panic to dissipate.

When we say “at least… it’s not worse “ it tells your loved one their experience isn’t important.

We might be trying to be comforting but shifting attention away from your friend’s experience doesn’t help them. It says to them they don’t matter to you.

A better approach is to let your friend know you care and what they are dealing with is hard for them. To be supportive all we need to do is acknowledge someone’s pain.

Stating “you just need to be more positive” adds to their shame.

Shame often accompanies anxiety. Getting rid of anxious thoughts is not a matter of will power. Toxic positivity isn’t a cure for anxiety. One’s life experience, biology and environment are all part of the complex nature of anxiety.

What’s more helpful is to let them know they are not alone, you are there. Say you realize they are doing the best they can and that is really is ok to feel anxious sometimes. By doing this you are acknowledging them, their efforts and not adding to their shame.