Living With My Mistakes Is Hard To Dp!

I am now a whole year older and that means I have had a bit longer time on this earth to live with my mistakes. It has not an easy task at any age for me to do but I will say I am learning how to give myself some grace. And, I am also figuring out how to laugh at myself and my follies recognizing I am all too very human.

I have a history of challenges with various medications and sensitivity with side effects. One of my more memorable experiences involved passing out and pooping, yes pooping, on my sister’s floor. I was rushed to ER in an ambulance to be stabilized. Such an end to our vacation in Colorado too!

My brother in law will NEVER let me hear the end of that one! I laughed plenty about it for many months till it occurred to me that it was rather traumatic for my husband, sister and brother in law to go through that, not knowing when I passed out what the heck was wrong. I stopped laughing for a bit about it after recognizing that reality.

Just three days ago I decided that I was having some negative side effects to a new allergy medication I’d been on for two weeks to help with my very bad allergies this spring. So I stopped taking it as I really didn’t want to be so sleepy in the afternoons. I had noticed too that I was more irritable and felt depressed.

But unfortunately I didn’t stop it soon enough to be beyond the irritability part when I went to visit my mom. Two days ago the universe and I were so out of sink that no matter what I did it was the wrong thing to do.

I was later than mom was comfortable in arriving, I disappointed her because of that and upon her telling me that fact I exploded at her. I was not able to calm myself down quickly enough before screaming, yes screaming, some things at her and putting my bags back into my car. I scared her. I could see it in her eyes too. I still feel badly for it. I know it was me doing it but I had no control over me at the time for a couple of minutes. That is a very scary place to be!

So yet today I am working through my guilt at causing my mom some anguish that she really didn’t need to experience as she works through her grief with losing my father. It put a bit of a damper on my birthday for sure. It is hard to feel deserving after such a transgression. Owning this is painful to do. I am all too very human for sure!

Life does go on. The sun comes up and the birds sing their welcoming songs. I take a breath and know I can forgive myself too in time.

What things in your life do you struggle with forgiving yourself for having done?