Phone: 616-217-9489 | eMail: jude@midlifetoolsforliving.com
JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC
We are getting our first blast of winter in the form of a snow storm that at the moment has dumped six inches in our driveway and it “ain’t” over yet.
This is supposed to be a joyful time of year. In this season however so full of hectic times, obligations, and even blowing snow it is not so easy at moments to remember to feel joy.
Within me is the possibility for joy when I allow for it to be present in my life.
There are different forms of joy for us to experience:
There is a quiet joy that keeps us calm and centered. It is source of peace and goodwill that spreads out to touch those around us.
There is an exuberant joy that is hard to contain and burst for the in laughter, song and dance. It is pure energy.
There is a perennial joy that surfaces in time of difficulty and reminds us that no mater what we have hope and reason to go on.
Today, I will allow the beauty of the snow draped branches and the quiet peace that this gentle snowfall is bringing to connect me to the quiet joy I hold inside my heart.
What form of joy will you invite into your heart today?
A friend of mine sent me this great lesson on stress that is circulating around the web. It’s a tale about a young woman leading a seminar who is holding a glass of water while her audience is assuming she will ask that is it half empty or half full question but rather to the surprise of her audience asks “How heavy is this glass of water?” People call out various actual weight measures.
But instead she states, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”
Then she continued, “And, that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”
“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced.”
How true it that! It is so hard to keep holding something we are troubled by! Our burdens weigh us down so and get heavier and heavier.
The presenter suggested that as early in the day as you can, you should put all your burdens down and not carry them through the evening and into the night. And if you want to you can pick them up again tomorrow if you must.
It’s hard to rest when our mind is full and our heart is heavy.
In my experience emotional pain seems way more difficult to contend with in the middle of the night. It is a lonely time when the house is quiet and the world around me is asleep to be wide awake and deeply troubled by something I can’t let go of.
So just how can we let go and let ourselves rest?
Setting an intention to let burdens go and be solidly in the moment of life you are in is a choice and important decision to make. It is a practice and it takes practice and practice and practice and even more practice to do.
Sometimes writing down what is troubling me helps me let it go. I’ve written in a journal for many years. I pick it up when I need to clear my mind and my heart.
There is a breathing practice that can help get us to our body’s relaxation state: breathe in through your nose to a count of 4 and exhale through your mouth to a count of 6. This has helped me countless times since I learned it.
That lesson on stress sent to me also included the following important things to remember:
We have to remember when all else fails that both chocolate and laughter are the best medicine after all!
What do you do to put your burdens rest?
Contact Me together in therapy we can explore life coping tools for you to incorporate into your life’s journey!
Dear Midlife Tools For Living visitor,
I want to thank you for taking time to visit my website as you do.
It has warmed my heart to see the number of people who poke their nose in on this site grow each month.
I am honored by this and humbled too.
And I thank you!
From me to you this holiday I wish for you:
A peaceful heart that forgives yourself and others
Recognition that you’ve done your best at any particular moment in your life
Openness to opportunities to learn each day
Strength to reach for help when you need it
Knowledge that you are not alone in life’s challenges
Courage to take risks and make changes
Flexibility in your response to the world around you
To notice good in the world and in the people who live in it
Tools to manage your emotions and cope well in the face of adversity
Simple pleasures that warm your heart
Kindness and compassionate not only for others but for yourself too
Awareness of your talents in addition to your short comings
Gentle laughter with yourself
To cultivate meaning in your life
Playfulness and frivolity
Quiet moments for simple reflection
To know you are loved
To love others and be able to tell them so
Gratitude for all you’ve been given
Happy Holidays and hugs to you!
Jude
Yesterday while I was in the midst of preparing a turkey dinner for us to enjoy my husband came across a small gray striped kitty in our woods in distress. We were able to catch the kitty after a bit of a struggle and put the kitty in a box wrapped in a towel. I sat talking to our furry friend in the garage calling neighbors while my husband walked around knocking on doors in search of an owner.
After having no luck finding the owner, we took the kitty to a 24 hour emergency vet clinic 35 miles away in Grand Rapids, Michigan. We waited and talked of what to do with our new little friend who didn’t have a collar or chip. We learned our fury friend is a boy.
He had locked his jaw around the towel we gave him and had no control of his limbs by the time we got to the clinic. Very sadly we learned our new little buddy had tetanus which is not really a treatable condition.
We had to say good bye to him this sweet little kitty who captured our hearts. We both were in tears. We let him know he was loved.
We are very glad he didn’t have to die alone in the woods. We know that is why my husband found him. It was meant to be. Today we will bury him out back along side our two other kitties who are in kitty heaven too.
Sometimes we don’t have very long with special ones who touch our lives.
This has been a good reminder for me of just how precious life really is and just how important every minute of life really is. Every minute counts.
I’m good at getting all caught up in my head, in my thoughts, in a reality that is not real and waste my energy and my time in this way zoning out. I mindlessly miss so much of what is right before me what is really real.
Yesterday I was focused on what was before me experiencing events as they unfolded. I was in the moment using my senses and mindfully present. This experience has reminded me of the importance of practicing mindful living.
I sacrifice my life in this moment when I think about things that are not present, not real, not here and now.
Today I will savor that turkey dinner that was put on hold being grateful for the enrichment yesterday brought to me and add yet another blessing to the list of what I am grateful for…a little gray striped kitty “my little buddy”.
What is unfolding around you right here right now in this moment in your life?
This season of thanks it is also a reminder of loss. It is important to allow ourselves an opportunity to pause and reflect and feel, yes feel the pain of our sadness.
There will be many people missing from my Thanksgiving table…my dad, all my grandparents, an uncle, many many extended relatives, family friends.
As the table grows smaller my heart grows deeper with special memories that bring warmth and comfort.
I am grateful for all the people who have been a part of my life. They have enriched me so.
Relationships are complicated however; including family relationships. Spending time during this day with some people in our lives may be difficult and not especially “happy”.
It has actually been through trying moments and challenges involving some of the people in my life that I’ve grown the most in understanding about myself. For these experiences I am grateful also.
Life is a journey. Each moment unfolds into the next.
This very moment in my life is here because of all that has come before it and brought me to this very place in time.
Willingness allows me to unfold with the journey I am on with strength and peace.
Willfulness holds me back and stands in my way preventing me from peacefully moving forward. All too often I get stuck holding on to the way I want things to be rather than accepting what is standing before me.
On this Thanksgiving Day I wish for you the peace and joy of willingness…may it grace your life and lighten your journey and be whole heartedly served up at your dinner table!
In what ways will your Thanksgiving not be “happy”? How might you allow willingness to touch your heart today?
I picked a few coasters with some inspirational sayings on them this summer on a fun shopping trip with my girlfriends. “Always be kinder than you feel” is on the top of the pile and it has been a good reminder to me in my post election blues. I have to admit that parts of me don’t want to be kind at all.
In my fear I’ve noticed an anger that boils and seethes at moments.
I have to be very mindful of my thinking and work awfully hard to redirect my thoughts to what is going on right in front of me. And I have really struggled at times with this I must admit.
It is so easy to get all caught up in my thinking to rest there not in tune to what I am actually doing.
It’s like I am blind, oblivious to my actions and movements and just going through the motions. My focus is in my head. And I get all worked up emotionally.
There has been a violence in my heart that comes from the powerlessness that I feel.
I understand some of the dynamics involved when rage leads to violence when an injustice is deeply experienced. This has been a new awareness for me. It is far from pretty, far from nice, far from kind too.
It is however just my thoughts rattling around running amok in my brain that capture my heart and sadden me deeply. And in deed it is just my thoughts. I am doing this to me.
Yes, it is hard for me to make sense out of what the citizens of this country have just done. But it is done and I can’t change that reality. All the thinking in the world I do won’t change that fact. All the anger I feel won’t change that fact.
I do however have a choice in how I want this day to progress. I can spend it up in my head and be miserable or I can focus on each moment, each step, each breath, and each task I do and be grateful for what it is that I have too.
This choice I do have too…always be kinder than I feel!
What are you doing to productively direct your post election blues?
This week’s election results have left me in shock filled with fear for the future of our country. It appears like most of us I did not see just how much unrest there is inside the hearts of people in this country. My head has been buried in the sand of my white middle class skin’s complacency.
“What Trump accomplished is nothing short of a populist, white working-class revolt” states an article on NPR website*. This populist, white working class is in fact an endangered species in fear of extinction and I suppose fighting for survival.
The color in the face of this country is changing. I suspect that white people who supported Trump want to cling to the position of white privilege they see themselves losing. They must fear this change and fear losing a white skin ‘birth right’ that allows them to be on top.
“This moment is not a triumph of the working class. It is a proclamation of white supremacy.” states Lena Afridi in an opinion article on the Aljazerra website. Her article goes on to give the actually statistics of the working class in the US of whom 40 percent are immigrants and people of color. **
Many hope Trump will bring back jobs lost not to the reality of a global economy but rather to technology that has created change they don’t want to accept. We do like to cling to what we know rather than to risk embracing change. The world has changed substantially in my life time including the world of work. It just has.
Trump captured the attention of his followers and capitalized on their fears to get even more power than his money has afforded him to date: keys to the oval office.
Trump’s ego drives him to say and do what ever he wants to get what ever he wants regardless of who he steps on to get it. Trump is all about Trump.
This man unfortunately has set the bar low ever so low when it comes to really bad behavior and has given permission for people to do the same. Sadly we’ve seen this play out over the course of the election. I fear it will not stop any time soon. He is a very bad role model.
And if a woman were to sit in the oval office the threat of emasculation becomes real…what becomes of male privilege? It seems both many men and women in this country are not ready for a shake up like that.
People are afraid. I am fearful too for all of us.
We’ve taken giant leaps backwards as a culture. One of my friends believes we are entering an “Age of Un-enlightenment, the Dark Ages of the 21st century”. I fear she may be right.
I feel so demoralized and keep wondering what do I do now? You too?
Some things I’ve done to help myself so far include:
-reached for support by sharing my thoughts and fears with like minded people I know. It feels better to know I am not alone
-allowed myself to feel my pain and sadness and anger
-decided to stop watching TV news. They gave precious air time and a voice to Trump all for the sake of their own ratings. I am reading more in depth news articles instead
-remembering as my mom-in-law has encouraged to be as kind as I can be to all people
-went to a peaceful gathering in my small town of Holland, MI and joined with 150 others who support unity and tolerance
-wearing a safety pin after my father-in-law told me doing so means that I am a safe respectful person to people who are different than me. This movement started in Australia in 2014 and spread to the UK after their recent challenges and now has come here over the last few days. You can find out more at http://www.vox.com/presidential-election/2016/11/10/13586322/trump-brexit-safety-pin
These are small things so far. Every step I take has helped me. I trust other steps will follow in the days, weeks and months ahead for me. The road ahead will be long and there are a vast number of unknowns. All I have control over is me and my behavior and attitudes—in remembering that I have all the power I need!
Change happens by taking one day and making one small effort at a time!
What are you doing to have a voice and take care of yourself this post election season?
** http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2016/11/working-class-trump-suppress-161112142432583.html
I often don’t like how life unfolds and want life to unfold my way. It can be with big or little things too that I object.
This week I’ve been challenged a bit getting through a cold my husband brought home from work and shared with me. It’s made me tired and cranky and out of sorts. Yesterday instead of getting a few things done or even knitting or reading a good book I took a long nap. Guess my body needed that. I of course wished it didn’t. But all of my wishing isn’t making this cold go away any faster.
It there something in this situation I can learn from?
That is a very important question! The energy we receive in asking it brings us far more possibilities than all the wishing for things to be different thinking does–that weighs us down and keeps us trapped in a cycle of misery.
In the middle of drama of some sort if I keep my thoughts and feeling focused and centered I am able more readily to trust that life is what it is. There is an order to it that is beyond my ability to see it in the moment.
Looking back beyond the tears, laughter and pain I can see how I grew in ways I would not have if life experiences had not unfolded just as they did.
In this way life it teaching me and I am guided to new opportunities.
I actually do have a crystal ball! It lets me see that life is as it should be. I just have to remember to keep it in focus.
Is there something right now in what ever you are facing that you can learn from?
Dunkin and I are sitting on the back porch this afternoon watching the sun stream though the windows. The sun has such brilliance this time of year due to the angle it falls to the earth. It makes the colors sharper and more intense and crisp.
The critters outside are enjoying the day. We hear many different varieties of bird chirps and catch glimpses of several as they flicker about. Dunkin intently listens.
The air has crispness to it. My mind wanders to thoughts of apples and pumpkins.
It is very early fall here in West Michigan. I am no where near ready to let go of summer just yet. I am grateful the sun is still plenty warm. It is peaceful and serene back here on the porch. It feels good to take in the afternoon from this vantage point.
I’ve needed to let myself just sit.
I reflected earlier today on how much these trees in our yard have grown in the 27 years since we built this cottage in the woods I call home. They were planted in the 1930’s and at one time belonged to a neighbor who when we first moved in lived across the street. Her brothers planted them.
I wish I could measure exactly how tall these trees are. My neck has to strain to see their tops. They have seen so much history and change in their long lives!
It’s a lovely day in the neighborhood…even the chipmunks and squirrels agree or perhaps not since they are certainly talking rather loudly about something out there!
It is so easy for me to get all busy with stuff to do. There is always stuff that needs to be done.
I have needed to simply allow myself to sit and take in and enjoy and let my mind be adrift for while. This is an important gift. My deep relaxed breaths tell me so.
The stuff to do will always be there.
This moment however is only this moment long and oh, there it goes…the chatter of the chipmunks and squirrels is gone….Dunkin has wandered in doors…the sun isn’t streaming in that window by that chair any longer.
It is a new moment to savor and enjoy. Gurney has found a sunny spot on the table to bathe. The breeze has picked up a bit and the glass chime hung above the table now makes a tinkling sound. McAllister has joined us and found a sunny spot to bask in it on the floor.
If I had not been sitting here this afternoon I would have missed all these lovely moments! I am grateful for this gift!
When will you pause for a moment to take in the simple pleasures that are going on right in your back yard?
This week my office had active shooter training. This is a first for me to experience. It left me a bit spell bound.
This isn’t a big city that I live in nor is it a third world country…right here in River City good old Holland Michigan I got to learn how to possibly save my life some day. And I pray that day never comes.
This is reality: we have to teach people how to “Run Hide Fight” in response to the world we now live in.
That is what you learn too when to run, when to hide and when to fight.
When you run you have to locate the nearest and safest exit away from the gun fire, not run together and not in a straight line—less of an easy target that way; and you can’t stop to help anyone else get out either as time is of the essence . When you hide you have to be smart turn off your phone, barricade the door and get under something. When you fight you do so with others if you can and find a fire extinguisher to use as a weapon going for the eyes with the foam or the hands with the container to disable your shooter.
I also learned that people who can carry concealed weapons are not required beyond their initial registration in many states including my own to fire their weapon ever again! I assumed that more training was required to carry a permit and a weapon around but it is not.
I learned that we all have a natural freeze state when confronted with a traumatic event. Even those in our military who are highly trained to respond still do a well-be-it ever so slight pause as they jog their brain out of it to respond.
So just how anyone with barely any comparative experience and training expects to defend themselves and others with a gun in the midst of an active shooter event isn’t at all realistic to expect. It frightens me to think of people running around with weapons in anticipation of an event feeling armed and ready when in reality they are not likely to be appropriately responsive at all. They seem almost as dangerous to me as the assailant is frankly.
They have training these days in school for kids too. I can’t imagine that reality. Never in a million years would I have dreamed of being in such potential danger while I was at school care-freely learning and enjoying my friends.
So here I sit in the peaceful surroundings of my living room with the sun shining brightly and the fresh air coming in through the windows. The world seems calm and serene here.
Out there in the world just beyond these walls however in reality in many environments I am a sitting duck. The next “it” could happen any where any time any place…the ticking of a time bomb…and the winner is….
Have you considered preparing yourself and your family to “run, hide, fight’?
My dearest little McAllister is a clever little manipulator. Just this morning yet once again she managed to spit out part of her pill while devouring the pill pocket treat it was in. This action of course gets her more pill pocket treats. She does this often too. She is a little stinker that one.
And then, she sits at her can of food looking at me and so I add water and stir it up and she eats some and then she sits and looks at me and more water and stirring happens and then she eats and sits and stares at me. Eventually I break down and give her a tooth brush treat and she eats more of her food! I know she knows exactly what she is doing too! We all know who is in control and it certainly isn’t me! Such skill she has!
They instinctively understand how people work and have a lack of empathy for others. This combination of psychological insight and emotional detachment is poisonous and dangerous to be around if you happen to be picked as their target.
In the workplace they do tend to pick on people who are nervous, shy or conscientious. A nervous person’s emotional buttons get pushed more easily. A shy person likely will not tell anyone about being bullied. A conscientious person will tend to wonder if they are somehow at fault and hope they can perhaps stop the bully by doing better or working harder.
Bullies try to prevent their victim from getting their normal human needs met. And bullies get their own needs met at the expense of their victims.
Bullying is any intentional and repetitious aggressive behavior designed to undermine, embarrass, or otherwise distress the target of such behavior.
Do know that it is very common for adults not just kids, yes adults to do this to other adults. And they even do it in the workplace too! Do know too that if this has or is happening to you that it has tremendous impacts on your over all well being.
Being bullied in the work place can undermine your self confidence, self esteem and can even produce symptoms of depression.
Humans so seek to dominate each other and sometimes this domination can be very subtle and almost undetectable. This form of aggression we call manipulation. And it is deliberately intended to cause pain.
If you have been or are being bullied it is important that you reach out for support and get help. There are many on line resources that can assist you in learning more about bullying and what to do to help yourself and take action. Included below is a website to help you get started.
Meanwhile my precious little McAllister is all curled up napping away peacefully so very unsuspectingly too. Skilled operator….damn good thing you are cute!
Have you been bullied in your life? What did this experience cost you? What did or will you do to get help?
Do Contact Me if the bulling you’ve experienced is creating trauma for you. Together in PTSD Treatment we can explore life coping tools for you to incorporate into your life’s journey!
This spring my sister informed me that I had “old lady toes”. And to tend to hers she now has “yoga toes” which means she puts polish on them to hide her old lady look. Shortly after I also and since have enjoyed yoga toes.
Ah…da-Nile isn’t simply a river in the Middle East!
Old lady toes means they yellow and thicken and don’t look as nice as they once did.
Add that to thinning gray hair and my attempts with products to color and thicken it and the use of a product to grow it back, wrinkles seemingly everywhere that I cover with special creams in hopes to have them less obvious, and nails that split easily and the products I use to give them strength I am keeping several companies in business!
Old lady toes, hair, skin, nails and that’s all on the outside! I hate to even think of what is happening on the inside of this not so young anymore body I inhabit!
Oh the joys of an aging body!
I don’t recall anyone warning me that all this would be coming so soon either. I suppose these realities are not so easy to acknowledge let alone discuss.
Recently I found an ad in the newspaper that starts with the title “Grandma, your breath stinks!” Apparently bad breath is very common in seniors because for many of us we produce less saliva as we age. Saliva acts as a natural mouth rinse the ad states. Oh great look what else I have to look forward to!
At least now-a-days we have the luxury of affordable products our grandmothers and father didn’t have!
For the moment I am going to row row row my boat with my pretty yoga toes, thicker colored over gray hair, and skin doused in creams down that river in da-Nile for a long as I possibly can!
What changes are you noticing as your body is getting older?
