JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC

This summer being home trapped in “La Casa De Tres Gatos Locos” other wise known as “the house of three crazy cats” I’ve grown closer to my three furry little ones. We’ve enjoyed each others company. I’ve relished in the massive doses of kitty love I have received too.

It is hard to believe how they could, but they’ve grown even more spoiled than there were before I got sick and by me of course! Imagine that!

McAllister has come to enjoy and now demand to have her special vet purchased canned cat food given to her from a spoon held me while she sits on the kitchen counter none the less.

And my dear little Gurney who for the longest time was happy to be the only one who consistently would eat at her bowl on the floor now at times demands to be catered to as well eating her tooth brush treats and lately even her dry food on the kitchen counter.

Dunkin has to pick her spot for her dining which can be anywhere from where her dish sits in the kitchen to the dining area, living room or even the bathroom and of course I humbly follow her around with her special vet purchased kidney canned food, plate, spoon and paper plate—she is a messy eater until she finds the right spot. This isn’t exactly new for us with her but combined with the other two–this can be exhausting let me tell you!

I am a humble cat servant. I know my place well! We aims to please!

There have been some revelations for me with my little ones too. Early on I decided to have a “serious” conversation with Gurney while I was in the kitchen one day making toast and she was after me whining for some butter. She has been my “butter baby” as I call her. Margarine and butter were about the only extra kind of treats she enjoyed. So I would indulge her when baking or when we had butter allowing her to lick the knife, dish or measuring cup.

That practice of giving my furry little ones people food ended when McAllister got stomach problems last year due to the people foods she was enjoying that ended up hurting her stomach. I decided I was in fact being a bad kitty mommy for doing this and stopped. But of course my little furry ones continued to want what they once were able to enjoy.

So for my peace of mind one morning I very seriously talked with Gurney in depth about this and you know what, she stopped asking for her butter treats and does not come upstairs out of a sound sleep anymore to ask for it when she hears the lid of a container open! I kid you not.

One day when McAllister and I were alone and in I was talking to her about something, I looked into her eyes and I felt a stir inside a deeply spiritual stir looking into those eyes. There was a depth to them I had not experienced before. It was a profound moment of connection. I understand why the ancients worshiped cats after that penetrating experience with her.

A friend of mine recently lost her very special calico cat and when she was over McAllister paid extra loving attention in a way she has not done before to her as if she knew something.

Cats understand far more than I ever realized! It is truly amazing!

As well as a tad bit spooky…I have to wonder now just how much they know when I spell words because I don’t what them to know what I am talking about! Inset smiley face here please!

Perhaps just perhaps all that spoiling has allowed me to experience these very interesting opportunities…so for now I will remain a humble cat servant and they will graciously allow me to share a household with them! Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it anyway! Insert another smiley face here please!!

What are some revelations you’ve discovered or noticed in your world?

“Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words or more subtle actions.

The bullied individual typically has trouble defending him or herself and does nothing to “cause” the bullying.” http://www.apa.org/topics/bullying/

There is an awful lot of bullying going around of late in our country and not just kids doing things to each other but sadly adults who really are supposed to know better are bullying too.

It seems to me that permission is granted in a way to do wrongly unto others as we watch the current political campaign news unfold each day. I’ve experienced usually respectful adults on the attack. Perhaps they too have been influenced to lash out because of political events in this country.

Bullying has to stop. Plain and simple bullying someone is just wrong.

It certainly does not feel good to be on the receiving end of someone’s inappropriately displayed aggressive behavior. It can be difficult to respond too when caught off guard in a surprise and public attack.

It costs us all when someone is bullied.

“Mona O’Moore of the Anti-Bullying Centre at Trinity College in Dublin, has written, “There is a growing body of research which indicates that individuals, whether child or adult, who are persistently subjected to abusive behavior are at risk of stress related illness which can sometimes lead to suicide”. Those who have been the targets of bullying can suffer from long term emotional and behavioral problems. Bullying can cause loneliness, depression, anxiety, lead to low self-esteem and increased susceptibility to illness.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying

And those who do the bullying pay a price too for lashing out as they do.

“Studies have shown that envy and resentment may be motives for bullying. Research on the self-esteem of bullies has produced equivocal results. While some bullies are arrogant and narcissistic, they can also use bullying as a tool to conceal shame or anxiety or to boost self-esteem: by demeaning others, the abuser feels empowered. Bullies may bully out of jealousy or because they themselves are bullied. Psychologist Roy Baumeister asserts that people who are prone to abusive behavior tend to have inflated but fragile egos. Because they think too highly of themselves, are frequently offended by the criticisms and lack of deference of other people, and react to this disrespect with violence and insults.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying
It can be hard in our unhappiness with any given situation to determine a way to approach someone that will not create unnecessary distress to the person we need to confront.

I am guilty of having attacked others on occasion with my words when I was emotionally distressed, had not thought it all through and gotten hold of my emotions first. I have deeply regretted my behaviors after my mistakes were made and I realized the hurt I caused. I felt shame and remorse and tried to make amends as best I was able.

We can fortunately learn and grow from our mistakes. We all make them. It is just a part of being a human being. It just is.

But first we have to recognize that bullying someone is not okay to do and stop letting ourselves be influenced by the events and people we see on the news each day telling us just the opposite with their own bullying behaviors blown up and voiced for millions to witness over and over and over again.

We need to call a spade a spade and see a bully for who he/she is…a person with deeply embedded emotional problems in need of serious internal work.

After all, love wins. Hate diminishes us all.

What will you do to assure that you do not end up bullying someone when you are distressed over something in your life?

Oh my little Dunkin, Dunkin, Dunkin, a-one-a-more-a time you teach me lessons I need to learn!

This morning my little Dunkin once again demanded attention of me at yet another time I really wanted to do something else…read the newspaper. She has this way of demanding to be the focus and knows when you only give half hearted attention to her too. She is way too smart!

She seems to have her “needs” often at times that I really do want and/or need to focus on something else like eat my breakfast, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth or yes read the newspaper. There are times I can more easily set aside what is my priority to give her 100 percent of me and other times I really have to do what I have to do.

This morning I reflected on how fortunate I am to have that little Dunkin in my life even at those most inopportune times. She won’t be here forever.

She almost wasn’t in our lives at all. There was another kitten in the cage with our three at the Human Society who was an actual sibling of our other two. Had another family not selected that kitten just before we arrived Dunkin would not have joined our family. And, that would have been a huge mistake. I remind her of that on occasion and apologize for having doubts about wanting her from the get go since I really thought at that time I wanted the other kitty not her!

Dunkin is a very special little one. There is only one Dunkin I tell her.

I’d best pick my priorities at any given moment in my life to seize the most important opportunity which that moment brings!

That seems to be one of the lessons this summer’s health challenges have been teaching me how to better do. I am far from excellent at doing that too I must confess. I do struggle with finding the right balance, deciding what is important and with wanting what I want when I want it much like my little helper Dunkin…who happens to be here with me right now insisting on a head rub!

Oh Dunkin you keep bringing me home to focus on what is most important don’t you…the people I care about the most in my life and you certainly are a very significant one of those peoples* and thankfully happen not to allow me to forget that fact either!

Oh what would I do without you?! Dunkin, Dunkin, Dunkin…

What helps you take the most important opportunity that any given moment brings?

*Cats are people too in our house!

I am gratefully to have been able to work a few hours every day this week! Progress! It has felt sooooo good to get more of my life back!

I still have to be very careful to find the right balance of activity and rest. I know I teetered towards too much activity this week and need to do better next week for sure. Rest is on my agenda for the weekend!

It is not easy to figure out what to do to take care of myself sometimes and sometimes not so easy to give that to me either!

It certainly has taken a village of people to help me get back to work again. But is also has taken energy well beyond that village.

My morning sunrise walks have helped me immensely and bring a connection for me to the world beyond our world.

It is in that sunshine that I feel the presence of my dad and know he’s been walking with me this summer in my journey to get well-er. I don’t think I would be as far along with out having him there in the sunrise to talk to and have him hold me in that way.

It is in the stillness of the morning that my soul is at peace and I can hear that wise voice inside guiding me. This spiritual connection is my guide as I tap into the wisdom of the ages locked inside the depths of my being.

And this feels like home to me too. My being can rest assured having listened and heard that all knowing wisdom.

I know I will be and am ok. And all is well!

Where/when do you feel most connected to that vast village beyond?

It is raining today. We’ve needed the rain. I won’t have to finish watering the yard that my husband started yesterday! Yippee! I love crossing things off my “to do” list so easily.

As I sit listening to the rain coming down my mind wandered to that little rhyme from my childhood…rain rain go away…come again some other day. Do you remember that too?

I just realized this rhyme has little to do with rain and a lot to do with the reality we all fight with what is and want it to go away so we can have what it is we so badly want to have instead! It is just human nature to do so too.

Like all things there is good and bad in everything…I won’t get to see the sun rise this morning on one hand and on the other I won’t have to move the sprinkler around the yard today at all!

It is important to be able to see both the good and the bad in life’s situations. With out seeing both sides we are out of balance and life unfolds out of balance for us in all kinds of ways.

I’ve gone back to work as of Wednesday of this week for 1-2 hours each day, thankfully too. I am so very grateful for all the people who I work with. They have been so very supportive and happy to see me and so very helpful. My Substance Use Disorder team members have been filling in my group nights since early June for me and will have to continue to do so for several more weeks too as I slowly build up my energy and strength. I am so very grateful to them for pitching in as they have as well.

This rain in my life has taught me so very much that I would not have known if it hadn’t been raining so very hard for so very long!

I am filled with gratitude and appreciation for so many people and for so many small things in life and for learning more about how to let go and a great many other things too that I would not be holding in my heart at this very moment had the rain stopped before now!

All meant to be unfolding just as it is unfolding…all meant for me to be learning just as I am learning too…Amazing, life is just amazing!

What is unfolding in your life right now just as it is meant to unfold? What are you learning right now that you so badly needed to learn with it?

Finality insights…

The book is When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi.

I thanked her for it and looked forward to reading it given the description of it she shared with me.

Since I’ve had time to read being home parked on the couch and some energy at times to do so I stared reading it several weeks ago. Like her experience with reading it I was compelled to continue but took my time in order to digest some of the contents more fully.

I have this thing about really good books and not wanting them to end so I take my sweet time reading some really good reads! This book is just such that kind of read too.

But, with all my health issues, the topic of this book and my awareness and belief that things happen and unfold in life just as they are meant to I wondered if, just if, I was handed this book to help me learn how to live my life with an end to my life in plain site. So, I set the book down and let it be for a spell in order to not stir up any more distress inside me.

You see the author Dr. Kalanithi is a young very very bright and talented neurosurgeon who learns he has a terminal cancer and actually learns how to really live life in the face of dying. It is a profound book. His insights are amazing and I urge you to read it.

I took this book with me to my mom’s when she was hospitalized along with some other books too. I hadn’t finished it yet.

And then I met Virginia, my mom’s delightful 95 year old roommate when my mom was hospitalized after having a stent put in. I wrote a post about her on 7/9/16.

You see Virginia has many health issues and decided in the midst of my time there with my mom that she didn’t want to do all the drastic measures to give herself the possibility of more life time. She is ready to die.

This reality strikes me not only as very very sad because Virginia is an absolutely wonderful woman but as incredibly courageous and strong. She made that decision on her own and shared it with me…this stranger who just happened to be in the room with my mom.

Just how one can make that decision I’ve often wondered about and recognize that it must take such tremendous strength to face ones death right in the eye. I can’t imagine how I could do ever do that. I suppose one never does till that very moment is in our minds eye staring us down.

I mentioned this book to Virginia and also “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande because I thought they would help her and her family too. She wrote the titles down.

When my mom went back into the hospital again due to a TIA stroke, I visited Virginia once again and decided to take the book with me and offer it to her to read. She was delighted.

I checked in with her over the next couple of days and she was reading it and it was helpful to her. A friend of mom’s picked up the book from her for me on mom’s last day at the hospital when I was at my moms resting.

Virginia wrote me a note letting me know the book was wonderful and gave her great insight about one’s finality. I know this book is helping her in what ever time this dear woman has left.

I treasure her note. It brings tears each time I read it. She gives me courage and strength and once again I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to meet her and come to know a little about her.

I finished the book yesterday. But I am far from finished with this book that I will read several times more and of course recommend and share it with others too just as that person who gave it to me encouraged me to do. How can I not!

So you see, I know that I was given this book so that dear Virginia might read it at the very time she probably needed to read it…isn’t it amazing how life does unfold just as it is and just as it does?!

What thoughts do you have about what it would be like to know that you had very limited time left in your life? What would you do and not do? What’s most important to you? Who is most important in your life?

Do Contact Me together in Grief Therapy we can explore some of those questions.

It took a village of people for me to be able to walk down to my special spot to see the sunrise this morning. That village includes my wonderful husband, multiple health care providers for not only my many health problems but my mothers as well, a boat load of support from family, friends, coworkers and my employer and of course three very sweet kitties.

It has been a wild ride that isn’t over yet. I came home from my mom’s late this week and after a week of not enough rest I crashed Friday afternoon into a state of exhaustion. My own recovery slid backwards. As the weekend progresses so am I, slowly on the mend once again.

With all the tragedy and difficulties in the world right now, it can be hard to have faith in humanity. There are plenty of people who are very troubled and doing horrendous things to other people around the globe.

My very own village has renewed my faith in human kind.

I don’t have to look far to see all the good in all the people who have been there supporting me especially over the last two months. I would not be writing this if it weren’t for each one of them.

To each one of you who’ve been there for me I am very grateful and so very fortunate to have you in my life! I thank you from the bottom of my heart and then some!

Who are you grateful to have in your life and village of supporters?

Gifts come in all sized packages and in all kinds of ways to us and often when least expected too.

In the midst of my own health challenges my mom ended up with an emergency heart catheterization procedure this week and a stent was put in to correct the 95% blockage in her main artery. Fortunately she is doing well and I have been able to rest up at her house and hopefully will not slide backwards health wise myself!

There have been many gifts with all this “stuff” happening in my life from beautiful sunrises, to finally getting to see a gorgeous sunset this summer, to tender moments with my furry cuddly little kitties, to having some friends of my mom in law buy us all dinner on my mom in law’s birthday, to my mom’s blockage being diagnosed before she had a heart attack! And there are undoubtedly at least a thousand other gifts I have been given in the last two months.

A very special gift given recently has been the opportunity to visit a bit with my mom’s 95 year old hospital roommate who is articulate and gracious and you would not in a minute guess her to be anywhere close to being 95! She is a dear woman who after having been at the hospital for a week did not have any flowers at her bedside and only one visitor that I noticed too. I decided to get her some flowers when I picked up some for my mom. Victoria was so delighted with them and so grateful. She beamed.

We can really make someone’s day with very little effort!

I think those people who so kindly paid for my dinner made me think just a bit about that reality. They inspired me.

I called Victoria with a book title just a little bit ago and she told me that I had been a stranger to her but not anymore. I shed a happy tear after I hung up the phone.

We just never know where our daily travels will take us and who we will have the opportunity to meet along the way.

Victoria I am so very grateful for having met you! You’ve been a gift to me when I really needed to experience a gift like you.

What might you do to make someone’s day a little brighter today?

By the dawns early light…

What an absolutely beautiful Independence Day sunrise it was here this morning! I am so grateful for so very much today and that list starts with the beautiful sunrise I was so fortunate to witness!

Over the last several weeks I’ve been graced with so many people that have helped me and today I find myself reflecting with great gratitude on each of those individuals.

From my husband whose been concerned and supportive and helpful picking up slack around the house, to my kitties who’ve offered sweet loving just when I’ve needed it the most, to my clinic manager whose reassured me to park my guilt at the door and take care of myself week after week, to my 3 colleagues who’ve covered my group nights at the office week after week, to support staff at my office who have called and canceled and rescheduled my client case load week after week, to the Holland Hospital employees from Human Resources who have been kind, caring and helpful to a Wellness Coach who helped me let go and allow myself more badly needed rest to all the medical staff who have drawn blood and examined me and given me tests and cared in the special ways that they do, to my doctor and nurse practitioner who’ve been there for me again and again and all the staff at that office to who’ve helped me, to my dear friends and family members who’ve called, come visit, wrote me notes and let me know they care…

I am most grateful to all of you and to have each one of you in my life!

I am also grateful to live in this country of ours as messed up as it is at times I would not want to live elsewhere, to live in this lovely small town of Holland and to have my little cottage in the woods I call home in this gorgeous area that affords me the opportunity to get up each morning and watch the sun rise yet once again!

Happy Independence Day to you!

What are you grateful for today?

My early morning sunrise walks have grown increasingly therapeutic for me over the last month. I would wager that there are no two sunrises alike just like they say that there are no two snow flakes that are alike. I process some times even out loud on my slow journey into the sunrise. I value this time outside immensely.

My mind remains much like the energizer bunny raring to go and my body is still much like an inch work slowly moving along.

No matter how much I want to do, and just when I think I’ve simplified my wants down and let a want-to-do go, there is even more I have to say no to doing…like that energizer bunny it just keeps on moving but by that I mean, having to say no to moving as much as I want to be doing!

This reality at moments has been very difficult for me to accept. It seems that after a month I “should” be better as in well-er than I am. But I ain’t! And no matter how much I want to be, it is what it is, and I ain’t well-er than I am. And of course this is taking way longer than I had hoped and wanted it to take…not in my time, insert life lesson learning time here!

I am learning how to better prioritize what is most important to me. This is a gift, a valuable life skill that I’ve been given because of all this I know for certain.

I found a very important book that is helping me come to be more at peace with being so unwell: Coping with the Psychological Effects of Illness, Strategies to Manage Anxiety and Depression by Dr. Fran Smith, Dr. Carina Eriksen and Professor Robert Bor. I highly recommend this book if you or a loved one is dealing with a debilitating illness.

The very first paragraph had me hooked: “Having a physical illness affects us psychologically in two main ways. On one level it is an individual matter that can affect how we think, behave and feel, both emotionally and physically. On another level it affects our relationships with people around us, our patterns of support and our life roles.”

The start of the second paragraph made it hard for me to put the book down: “A health problem does not have the same effects on everyone. There are factors that influence how people react to, cope with and adjust to becoming unwell.”

I’ve been highlighting more of the sentences in the book than not! This book will help you and your loved ones understand what happens when someone becomes chronically ill or suddenly very ill.

It is amazing to me how things I’ve needed, people I’ve needed have come my way just when I’ve needed them too! I am blessed.

If is weren’t for this lengthy illness I would have missed out on seeing so many beautiful sunrises…see there are good things that come from not so good things after all!

What is something good that has come from a challenging situation in your life recently?

I happen to believe that things do happen just as they are supposed to happen in our lives and that we learn a great many life lessons from each and every one of those happenings.

It was meant for me to be as sick as I have been. I’ve been learning a lot from it about a great many things including myself that I would not have learned other wise. For this extended illness I am actually grateful as strange as that is to say.

One of the things I realized today is that I currently have a lot of “everything is as it should be” some what difficult things going on in my own life and in the lives of people who are in my life. It seems like my plate is full. And, this is making it really challenging for me at times to easily go to the ”everything is as it should be” place of acceptance and peace inside!

There are simple things like the challenges of getting around the small town I live in because of major road projects. It seemingly is not easy to get just about anywhere without coming into contact with a road project that has an impact on the drive and time it takes. Then there are health problems for special people in my life that are worrisome. And then, I have a young second cousin who died unexpectedly after jumping out of a moving vehicle. His extended family members have health issues and a cousin of mine has been very stressed dealing with all that is on her plate with all of this. Being home I’ve been able to be in touch with her and offer support. Thankfully, ‘everything is…as it should be!”

And then, there is my own condition that is taking a very long time to slowly improve. I’ve completed a third week at home of mostly resting on the couch for most of my day. I try to go for a slow walk each morning when I am up for it. I’ve been able to do some grocery shopping for us which takes all my energy and effort to complete. I am able to do only a fraction of my normal daily activity. I get very tired and am weak but can see slow improvements thankfully.

I’ve had to let go of attending a conference I so badly wanted to attend and am letting go of an overnight trip up north next week that I was really looking forward to doing. And this is all because I am simply not up to it.

Instead of a trip up north we decided to have a stay-cation right here in good old River City AKA Holland MI and play tourist here for a few days. This way I can come home and nap in between as needed in the comfort of my own home. We can do as much or as little as needed and still do the rest another time rather easily too! There are many things in this area I’ve wanted to do and not done. Perhaps next week I can cross one or two of those things off my list!

I want to do more than I really can. It has not been easy to accept my limitations!

Thankfully I know “this too shall pass” but, of course, I want what I want to do right now and I can’t. These last five weeks have helped me to better understand what people who develop disabilities must endure and what it is like when getting older happens to us all. I only hope I can use my experience to better empathize with people in my clinical practice.

I’ve been learning how to pace myself, and to say no to me when I want to tackle too much at one time or simply too much to begin with. I suspect learning this will perhaps help me not only today but into my future too.

All this is meant for many reasons I know way deep inside. I’m learning a lot!

I went through a grief process a week ago and found myself frustrated with those people who exposed me to the initial virus. I thought about saying a few things to them so that they might think before doing something like that in the future too. I chose rather to keep my mouth shut and worked on accepting that “everything is as it should be” instead. At moments this has not been easy for sure!

It has been important for me to step back and learn life lessons from the choices that I’ve made. I contributed to my condition by being careless about washing my hands. Not so anymore! I have hand sanitizer I use now when out in public and wipe down my grocery cart with those wipes that stores provide too! I hope to not contract such a virus again and I will do my best towards that end unlike before.

I, of course, want to have control and in reality have little other than working on my own attitude and my “own stuff” as I call it…we all got “stuff” to work on in life we just do. This is where my power lies.

I find it most helpful to take my morning sunrise walk. I feel very connected to the world around me at that hour. It is beautiful and peaceful and as I slowly walk into the sunrise I feel the arms of the universe surrounding me letting me know it’s all ok!

Ain’t life grand! Thankfully we learn more every day! And don’t stop learning and discovering more about ourselves till we take our last breath too!

But, please do remember to wash your hands often and buy a big bottle of hand sanitizer too!

What life lessons have you learned about “your stuff” today?

Dear Dad,
It will be Father’s Day tomorrow and you will not be at the table once again to celebrate it with us. I miss you. This year your birthday, Father’s Day and my birthday are hitting me hard. My grief is raw. While it still seems surreal that you are gone it is very much evident that you are in fact gone. I keep wondering how it can be that someone is just simply no longer here. I do however feel you ever present around me, in the morning sunshine, in the call of the song birds and in the eyes of my dear little cats your spirit hugs me and I am comforted once again.

So Happy Father’s Day Dad! I thank you for giving me life and for all the countless ways you gave to my life and still do!
I love you-
Jude

Do Contact Me with Grief Therapy you can learn to navigate your way.