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My early morning sunrise walks have grown increasingly therapeutic for me over the last month. I would wager that there are no two sunrises alike just like they say that there are no two snow flakes that are alike. I process some times even out loud on my slow journey into the sunrise. I value this time outside immensely.
My mind remains much like the energizer bunny raring to go and my body is still much like an inch work slowly moving along.
No matter how much I want to do, and just when I think I’ve simplified my wants down and let a want-to-do go, there is even more I have to say no to doing…like that energizer bunny it just keeps on moving but by that I mean, having to say no to moving as much as I want to be doing!
This reality at moments has been very difficult for me to accept. It seems that after a month I “should” be better as in well-er than I am. But I ain’t! And no matter how much I want to be, it is what it is, and I ain’t well-er than I am. And of course this is taking way longer than I had hoped and wanted it to take…not in my time, insert life lesson learning time here!
I am learning how to better prioritize what is most important to me. This is a gift, a valuable life skill that I’ve been given because of all this I know for certain.
I found a very important book that is helping me come to be more at peace with being so unwell: Coping with the Psychological Effects of Illness, Strategies to Manage Anxiety and Depression by Dr. Fran Smith, Dr. Carina Eriksen and Professor Robert Bor. I highly recommend this book if you or a loved one is dealing with a debilitating illness.
The very first paragraph had me hooked: “Having a physical illness affects us psychologically in two main ways. On one level it is an individual matter that can affect how we think, behave and feel, both emotionally and physically. On another level it affects our relationships with people around us, our patterns of support and our life roles.”
The start of the second paragraph made it hard for me to put the book down: “A health problem does not have the same effects on everyone. There are factors that influence how people react to, cope with and adjust to becoming unwell.”
I’ve been highlighting more of the sentences in the book than not! This book will help you and your loved ones understand what happens when someone becomes chronically ill or suddenly very ill.
It is amazing to me how things I’ve needed, people I’ve needed have come my way just when I’ve needed them too! I am blessed.
If is weren’t for this lengthy illness I would have missed out on seeing so many beautiful sunrises…see there are good things that come from not so good things after all!
What is something good that has come from a challenging situation in your life recently?
I happen to believe that things do happen just as they are supposed to happen in our lives and that we learn a great many life lessons from each and every one of those happenings.
It was meant for me to be as sick as I have been. I’ve been learning a lot from it about a great many things including myself that I would not have learned other wise. For this extended illness I am actually grateful as strange as that is to say.
One of the things I realized today is that I currently have a lot of “everything is as it should be” some what difficult things going on in my own life and in the lives of people who are in my life. It seems like my plate is full. And, this is making it really challenging for me at times to easily go to the ”everything is as it should be” place of acceptance and peace inside!
There are simple things like the challenges of getting around the small town I live in because of major road projects. It seemingly is not easy to get just about anywhere without coming into contact with a road project that has an impact on the drive and time it takes. Then there are health problems for special people in my life that are worrisome. And then, I have a young second cousin who died unexpectedly after jumping out of a moving vehicle. His extended family members have health issues and a cousin of mine has been very stressed dealing with all that is on her plate with all of this. Being home I’ve been able to be in touch with her and offer support. Thankfully, ‘everything is…as it should be!”
And then, there is my own condition that is taking a very long time to slowly improve. I’ve completed a third week at home of mostly resting on the couch for most of my day. I try to go for a slow walk each morning when I am up for it. I’ve been able to do some grocery shopping for us which takes all my energy and effort to complete. I am able to do only a fraction of my normal daily activity. I get very tired and am weak but can see slow improvements thankfully.
I’ve had to let go of attending a conference I so badly wanted to attend and am letting go of an overnight trip up north next week that I was really looking forward to doing. And this is all because I am simply not up to it.
Instead of a trip up north we decided to have a stay-cation right here in good old River City AKA Holland MI and play tourist here for a few days. This way I can come home and nap in between as needed in the comfort of my own home. We can do as much or as little as needed and still do the rest another time rather easily too! There are many things in this area I’ve wanted to do and not done. Perhaps next week I can cross one or two of those things off my list!
I want to do more than I really can. It has not been easy to accept my limitations!
Thankfully I know “this too shall pass” but, of course, I want what I want to do right now and I can’t. These last five weeks have helped me to better understand what people who develop disabilities must endure and what it is like when getting older happens to us all. I only hope I can use my experience to better empathize with people in my clinical practice.
I’ve been learning how to pace myself, and to say no to me when I want to tackle too much at one time or simply too much to begin with. I suspect learning this will perhaps help me not only today but into my future too.
All this is meant for many reasons I know way deep inside. I’m learning a lot!
I went through a grief process a week ago and found myself frustrated with those people who exposed me to the initial virus. I thought about saying a few things to them so that they might think before doing something like that in the future too. I chose rather to keep my mouth shut and worked on accepting that “everything is as it should be” instead. At moments this has not been easy for sure!
It has been important for me to step back and learn life lessons from the choices that I’ve made. I contributed to my condition by being careless about washing my hands. Not so anymore! I have hand sanitizer I use now when out in public and wipe down my grocery cart with those wipes that stores provide too! I hope to not contract such a virus again and I will do my best towards that end unlike before.
I, of course, want to have control and in reality have little other than working on my own attitude and my “own stuff” as I call it…we all got “stuff” to work on in life we just do. This is where my power lies.
I find it most helpful to take my morning sunrise walk. I feel very connected to the world around me at that hour. It is beautiful and peaceful and as I slowly walk into the sunrise I feel the arms of the universe surrounding me letting me know it’s all ok!
Ain’t life grand! Thankfully we learn more every day! And don’t stop learning and discovering more about ourselves till we take our last breath too!
But, please do remember to wash your hands often and buy a big bottle of hand sanitizer too!
What life lessons have you learned about “your stuff” today?
Dear Dad,
It will be Father’s Day tomorrow and you will not be at the table once again to celebrate it with us. I miss you. This year your birthday, Father’s Day and my birthday are hitting me hard. My grief is raw. While it still seems surreal that you are gone it is very much evident that you are in fact gone. I keep wondering how it can be that someone is just simply no longer here. I do however feel you ever present around me, in the morning sunshine, in the call of the song birds and in the eyes of my dear little cats your spirit hugs me and I am comforted once again.
So Happy Father’s Day Dad! I thank you for giving me life and for all the countless ways you gave to my life and still do!
I love you-
Jude
Do Contact Me with Grief Therapy you can learn to navigate your way.
Yes, my mind tells me it wants to be active doing things as I usually do and my body isn’t cooperating and keeps saying no way…I wish they would get it together!
I had a bout with the Norovirus a couple weeks ago and missed a whole week of work…that was not fun and, you do not EVER want to get that. I’m just sayin’!
And then, last Sunday spots developed on my belly and shingles were confirmed on Monday and I’ve been home ever since mostly on the couch exhausted yet wanting to get up and go and I can’t. These two conditions are related. I would not likely have gotten the shingles if I had not had the Norovirus. Lucky me!
I had shingles 20 years ago that was diagnosed quickly and like now I got on meds right away and they didn’t get bad; except for how shingles plays out on inside me that is. They are not painful and only mildly itchy—I recall itching terribly with chicken pox as a kid fortunately that has not been the case since then. But, for me the shingles wipe me out physically and emotionally. I only wish I could remember how long it took me to get over these symptoms the last time. But then I am 20 years older too….
I’ve learned a lot since getting the Norovirus about a great many different things. And once again know way deep down that everything is, as it should be too!
I would not have gained the awareness’s I now have without having gone though all that I have been experiencing. Interestingly, I am very very grateful for this too!
I really needed to learn the stuff that I’ve been learning! Since I am pig headed and stubborn at times, I do tend in my life, to have learned the hard way about many things too!
There is a meditation practice call “willing hands”. What you do is simply turn your palms upward…just try it and see what happens. If you are like me you will notice a shift in your thinking that happens. It is a very helpful tool when trying to open yourself up to just about anything.
I was supposed to attend a conference in the Chicago area this coming Monday and Tuesday that I soooooo badly wanted to attend to learn from the trainers and be spoiled in the luxury of the hotel I planned to stay in too. I picked out some wonderful workshop sessions and was very enthused with the programs and speakers.
While my mind so very much wants to go my dear body has other plans. I knew Friday morning when I woke up that I really was not up to the drive at all. So, I looked on the Amtrack website and found a train that left out of Kalamazoo mid afternoon today and booked the very last seat. I could drive to Kalamazoo much easier than negotiate through all the traffic in my emotional and physical state I thought. Getting the very last seat seemed like that was meant to be too!
My dear mom was trying to talk some sense in me for a couple of days about not going but my stubborn teenager mind wouldn’t hear of it at all. I was right back where I was in my mind as a teen too thinking I knew more that she did. Go away I don’t want to hear it. If I was a teen of today’s generation I would have rolled my eyes I am sure!
This is amusing because more recently she and I have had some role reversals and I’ve felt like the mom telling her things like to put her hat and gloves on this winter when visiting her and taking her out shopping! She refused the gloves I might add and later wished she had taken them after all too! We laughed about that. See mom if you’d only listened to me…
I told mom on Friday that I would not go if I was not up to it, yet she worried and pressed me and I held firm. My husband let me know he was worried about me and the trip too that afternoon. And I reassured him I would not make it if not up to it even on the train.
Friday after napping before dinner on the couch and I fell asleep right after dinner on the couch and then got into bed before 9. And, my body started to ache. I have involuntary body jerking movements as one of my symptoms that got worse that evening as well.
At 11:30 pm my dear cat Gurney woke me up. She had a hairball I later learned and after vomiting up her food had a hungry tummy. I glanced at the clock and asked her to leave me alone and became aware of just how horrible I was feeling physically and well, my mind finally got in sync with my body and told me I was not even up to a train ride to Chicago let alone a two day conference far away from my couch and bed. I recall turning my palms upward willingly accepting this reality and fell rather quickly back to sleep.
I thank you Gurney for enduring that hair ball and waking me up. I might not have come to that realization without your help! And to my husband for cleaning it all up…it was a rather nasty episode too.
On Saturday as soon as I woke up, I canceled the hotel and train ride thankfully getting refunds on those and tried to reach the conference people via phone to leave a message but could not leave one. So, I emailed the person who registers people for the conference canceling and asked her to please give my space to someone who really wanted to go that was not able to do so. She wrote back and told me she has someone in mind and wished me well.
I think this person whom ever it is, is the one meant to attend those workshops and not me. I really do.
It amazes me just exactly how things not only happen for a reason but happen exactly just as they are meant to be!
Not only have I been learning what I needed to learn throughout all this but someone who really needs to hear and experience that conference and those sessions I picked out is getting to do just that. And all is well and soon I will be too if I let myself rest up some more!
What has been happening in your life recently just as it should be?
I love early morning walks. On the weekends I so enjoy taking my cup of coffee out for a stroll with me. A few weeks ago I went round the corner and added a second mile to my morning adventure. You just never know who or what you will find in the wee hours of the morning.
I scared a small deer not too long ago, have said hello to many a rabbit munching away, chased squirrels and chipmunks down the path, had Canada geese honk at me, and watched some wild turkey’s doing what most likely was “fooling around”—and right in plain view too!
And, there are always the song birds chirping merrily away. I love hearing their tunes. There is one that reminds me of my very happy cat Dunkin. If Dunkin were a bird she’d be that one. She’d be happy as can be singing away much like she dances around the house lightly and gracefully and ever so sweetly too. She reminds me of Audrey Hepburn—beautiful, sleek and full of grace.
Around that corner is a delightful path through some woods with curves and slight bends and you really don’t know what lies up a head in spots. The sun streams in brightly through the trees in the morning along that part of my path. It is quite beautiful. It is my slice of heaven. I can pretend I’m far away and not see the road that really is just 10 feet away.
I am peace filled and very spiritually connected on my morning walk. I know I am not alone and all is well.
Much like each new day, I never know who I will encounter when I begin my morning venture or where my walk will take me either.
My path took me to think about Dorothy lost and afraid and wandering her yellow brick road searching for answers and the great Wizard all the time hoping to find her way back home. She built a support system around her as she followed that yellow brick road. They helped each other and learned so very much along the way. Life is kind of just like that isn’t it!
As I venture down my yellow brick road I am filled with gratitude as I reflect on all the wonderful people in my life, lessons I’ve learned from the many challenges life has brought my way and all that I have been given—I have so very much.
My yellow brick road does make me feel like I’m all ready at home!
But then, after filling myself all up well prepared for the rest on my day, I get to wander back home. After all, there really just is no place like home!
What twists and turns has your life’s yellow brick road brought to you today? What can help prepare you to meet those challenges on this very day?
Hallelujah! Found at last and not a moment too soon too!
Our dearest little Dunkin’s very favorite baby had been missing for a couple of weeks till just a couple days ago. My husband and I both searched high and low for the ratty little green mouse she likes to carry around and chirp with happily as she does. I spent time crawling around looking under all kinds of things in all kinds of places more than once too.
For some reason my husband decided to look not only under his dresser once again but up under it this time. And low and behold the little very well loved mousey was resting there where it had undoubtedly been tossed up on a brace like shelf well hidden from view. What possessed him to look there I don’t know. We are all grateful that he did.
It has been wonderful to hear our little Dunkin chirping merrily around the house once again. She is such a joyful little cat and it is especially amusing to watch and hear her playing with her baby.
The universe has a way of providing for us and so often in ways we don’t realize till we look beyond the surface.
Just a couple of weeks ago I was thinking that I needed to plan for some time away from work and give myself the opportunity to rest, sit, read, knit, get with some friends, have time with my husband and do whatever I needed to do in the moment for some quality “me” time. And I did in fact make plans down the road to accomplish just that.
And, then I get sick with this crud that has wiped me out completely and forced me to sit and rest and really do “me” time. I’ve had no choice. I guess I needed this rest time more than I realized and sooner than I anticipated.
It’s often hard for me to know when to say when. This is a good lesson for me to remember.
That wise voice inside knew. I need to learn to hear and heed her call sooner!
Dunkin and her mousey
Sittin’ in a tree
K-i-s-s-i-n-g…
What has the universe provided for you that you’ve really needed recently?
There is a nasty stomach/intestinal flu bug going around and lucky me I caught it this week. It’s just my turn.
I haven’t been this kind of sick since I was a kid with stuff coming out both ends. The only savings grace is that I’ve lost a few pounds! I have to find the silver lining in all this.
With plenty of down time the last few days I’ve been reflecting on just how fragile life really is.
I take so much for granted every day.
It isn’t until things like this happen that I pause and reflect on just how fortunate I am to have really good health. Many people don’t have the ability to leave their homes and go to work every day like I do. Many people live in isolation and have no solid support system surrounding them like I do.
I am blessed. I am grateful.
Once again it is good that life presents these golden opportunities to remind me of how precious life really is and just how much I really have to be so very grateful for.
What are you taking for granted today?
I want to encourage you to pick up a copy and read this book: “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande
This book is important to those of us getting older—every one of us that means and also to us as we watch our parents and loved ones age. Dr. Gawande compels us to look at the process of aging and how we tend to people as they deal with chronic health problems that continue to worsen.
In reality we are living longer than previous generations and the concept of aging is a new phenomenon in medical history itself. And, we want to live longer or have our loved ones to live longer too often at any expense without consideration of the consequences of what that really means.
Our current medical trends have been to do everything and then some to treat conditions regardless of the impact on the quality of life for the individual enduring procedure after procedure. Sometimes those extraordinary procedures actually extend life very little and create much trauma in the process for all involved. I’ve often thought that we treat our pets with more respect than we do people when they linger and suffer with conditions in our do-all-that-you-can-to-save-her/him thinking.
After reading this book I found myself even more grateful for my mom’s courageous decision to let my dad go after his massive stroke. She asked the ER doctor what he would do if my dad was a family member of his and he told her he wouldn’t do a surgery that was under consideration. That doctor helped my mom do the right thing. My dad would not have recovered a life worth living and being a vegetable was not something he wanted for himself or his family to endure.
In reality we are all going to die. How we live until that moment is important at every age to consider.
When facing the inevitability of death, Dr. Gawande encourages us to examine what our understanding of our condition is and the potential outcomes, what our fears and hopes are, what trade-offs we are willing to make and not make, and what course of action best serves this understanding.
He encourages the medical community to have this conversation with patients. It is not the kind of conversation that many in the medical community know how to have.
If you’re like me once you read this book you will want to be certain that all your health care providers have read a copy of this book too!
What would it look like for you to live a good life right up to the very end?
One of my favorite memories of Mother’s Day is a picnic we had when I was a teen with my grand parents, a great Aunt and a family we were close to. We went for a drive up north as our family did in those days and had a picnic at a park some where. I remember making plans for some special things for the mom’s of the group. I baked up a strawberry short cake and bought them each a pretty little pink rose corsage to wear. Each of those women was special to me in various ways. It felt right to honor each one of them.
This is a special time of year to pause and reflect on the mom’s of our lives.
The mom’s of our lives can come in various forms from the woman who gave us birth, to the mother of the partner in our lives; to a dear woman friend we’ve come to trust, to a special aunt and grandma.
The nurturing we get from those mom’s of our lives helps us grow through out our entire life.
No mom is perfect at the job of parenting
Some of us were fortunate to have birth mom’s capable of giving us “good enough mothering”—a term I recall from social work school. If a mom doesn’t get “good enough mothering” from her mom it makes it very difficult for her to give that to her children.
If we don’t get “good enough mothering” we are left with holes inside that we need to learn how to fill in healthy ways during our life time. Other kinds of mom’s can provide us nurturing and help us grow.
Each mom in our life has a story of her own life journey that impacts who she is and the choices she makes.
For some of us Mother’s Day is filled with pain and longing for a mom we never had. For some of us Mother’s Day painfully reminds us of the mom that we’ve lost.
I believe we each are doing the very best we can at any given moment in our lives—our mom’s did too.
On this Mother’s Day we can pause and reflect on the mom’s of our lives noticing with gratitude what they brought to our lives and with forgiveness for the mistakes they made too. We can use this day to nurture ourselves with the tools of gratitude and forgiveness.
What special memories do you have of the mom’s in your life and Mother’s Day?
Oh yippee, May flowers are on the way! I’ve so enjoyed having my fingers back in my flower bed dirt once again. Everything is greening up beautifully even the trees are budding out.
My mind and heart are budding out too.
I didn’t have energy to give to my flower beds last year and my enthusiasm and energy have returned. I’ve been planting up some pretty pots and clearing my beds from winter debris.
There is renewed life in the garden and in my soul too!
There is nothing better than gardening therapy. I so enjoy wandering in my yard looking at the pretty little buds opening up, delighting in the wonder of new blooms. I especially find an early morning stroll with a cup of coffee in my hand a slice of heaven.
Seeds of hope are all around me as I watch my garden bloom and grow.
I read a daily meditation from Daily Word, a Unity Publication. This is what I found in my reading for April 29, 2016: “Right now, take the time to plant the changes that you would like to see. Linger awhile to share your appreciation for those you love and even offer good seed words for perfect strangers. Take good care of the seed stock of your thoughts. A few moments spent with eyes closed, envisioning good outcomes and radiating positive energy will put you into the flow of positive growth. These are the choices you can make today. These are the seeds that you can plant.”
Just how do you want the garden of your life to grow?
Life seems to keep providing me with opportunity to pause and remember to appreciate all that I have and those in my life. It’s good that it does too. It’s too easy for me to get all caught up in my day to day life and take so much for granted.
My father in law has been having some serious health problems this winter and spring. It’s hard to face the reality of aging bodies and parts just not working so well any longer. It’s hard to know he has to do that. It’s hard to know the harsh reality my mother-in-law and my husband and his siblings have to face too. These people have all been very important to me for a long time now. I hate to see them in pain.
These difficult times do provide opportunity of all kinds.
From opportunity for family to draw closer and cherish time together, to opportunity for reflection on what truly is important in life, to opportunity to make the best of every moment we have—there is much that we can take from the difficult times of our lives.
There are many ways that challenging life experiences stretch us and help us grow if we open ourselves to what the challenges bring rather than fight against what is happening.
Life truly is short. There is no time like the present to take stock and be grateful for all that we have.
What are you grateful for this very minute?
I was reminded of my dad reflecting on my Aunt’s death and found myself missing him too. New losses help us release more from other significant past losses.
Until I allowed myself a good cry, I was out of sorts.
It is important to give ourselves time and space to process our emotions. To sit and allow what needs to come up and out to do just that.
I liken it to a flower bud unfolding and opening up. At the center is our pain. A flower takes time to open and fortunately so does our grief. If that pain were to be exposed too quickly the fragile rawness would engulf and overwhelm us.
I feel sad for the pain I know all too well that my cousins are experiencing. They lost their father years ago. And now their mother is gone from their lives.
I am grateful to have grown up with the opportunity to have extended family close by to visit and spend time with. Families are so spread out these days and opportunity to share time with family often is rare. I’m thankful to have been able to know my grandparents and a couple of my great grandparents, aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles and many of my cousins when I was a child. These experiences and memories enrich my life and help me understand where I came from and the my family’s story.
Who are some important relatives from your childhood memory? What makes them important to you?
Do Contact Me during Grief Therapy your grief pain can safely come to unfold.
