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JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC
October was the second anniversary of my dad’s death. It is still difficult some moments to reconcile that he is no longer here. Seems strange that someone who has been with me from the very moment of conception is simply gone from my life forever. This reality strikes me at moments rather oddly and I struggle to make sense of it.
Sometimes the intensity of my grief hits hard and sobs come forth from deep within me. Other times my grief is gentler.
Tis important for me to acknowledge my sadness and grief when it comes and let it flow as it needs to flow. I don’t fight it. I go with the wave, ride it out, and as it dissipates I move on.
Two years all ready. I wonder just how that can be! Miss so many things about my dad. And while life is different without him, living has gone on in spite of losing him.
I am grateful to have had my dad in my life for as long as I did. He did his best to deal the various health problems he had for many years. I know his body just could not take any more.
I am grateful for the fond memories I have of my dad that warm my heart. He loved me. And I love him too.
When waves of grief hit you what do you do that helps you to ride them out?
Do Contact Me in Grief Therapy you can learn to ride the waves of grief.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
It has been such a long time since I’ve written a post that I’m not sure how to start this up again! I’ve needed this time to pull back and tend to the basics of my life and not push myself to produce much beyond simply that.
In truth tending to the basics of work, family and my household took all the energy I had to give for several months. I’d forgotten just how much energy learning a new job takes.
Finally as weeks and months progressed new routines have settled in and my brain isn’t working so hard to figure it all out anymore. Thankfully, I feel energy and my creative energy returning as well.
I’ve been able to pick up a couple books and read again. I’ve sat with my double mitten knitting project started last year left untouched since March and knit a few rows. I’ve even cleaned out a couple closets and baked some brownies and sugar cookies over the last couple of months too.
It isn’t so easy to figure out what I need to do to take care of myself some times. I know that my old habit of stubbornly pushing myself doesn’t work as well any more. I’m learning when to say when and call it good enough and allow myself the opportunity to rest.
So, thank you dear reader for your patience with me for having left this site untouched for so many months. Unfortunately writing posts that once gave me energy zapped me of what little reserve I had left and sadly I had nothing to give.
I hope to work my way back to post on a regular basis. For now I am taking a one day at a time approach and remembering to take time to breathe!
What do you do to help yourself when you are tired and worn?
I’ve not written a post in weeks. My creative juices had all but dried up or so it has seemed. My energy was needed for day to day living and I didn’t have extra to spare.
We go through periods in life when the well runs dry from time to time. I’ve been here before and know this won’t last forever. That is a benefit of middle age—the experience of living through years of life’s ebbs and flows.
I gave myself permission to let go and not pressure myself into coming up with a post to share. Since there wasn’t an inspirational bone in my body that was pretty easy to do! And, I chose not to feel guilt with my decision.
Some of the perspectives and life skills that brought me through my young adult life don’t always work so well in my middle years.
I’m one who has pushed and pressured herself into doing. At times this is necessary and helpful. At times however, it has gotten in my way.
I’ve learned to listen more readily to that wise voice deep inside that knows what I need. She guides me well. And when I both listen and do what really needs to be done I am more at peace in my life.
As the earth warms with the spring sun and rain, color is once again emerging in my yard. It is time to gently unpack the dead leaves and debris that have protected the delicate foliage from the transitional spring weather. Spring is beginning to bloom.
With self compassion and gentleness as my guide, my life will also bloom with energy once again.
What perspectives/life skills are helping you through challenges in your life?
It has been a long winter inside and out for me. I am grateful that there has been hint of spring this last week and the winter snow is melting away. It feels hopeful that spring’s renewal is on its way to my door step and in my heart.
This winter has felt heavy. I took on the challenge of a job change and have had all kinds of new things to learn and adjust to. My mind has been on over load taking it all in. It’s been like trudging through the cold and drifted snow in my brain some days this winter. I’ve hunkered down inside to stay warm and recover from my journey too.
Some times is seems like we just can’t handle one more thing when our plates are full and our hearts are heavy. And like with winter it seems as though it will never end.
Gratefully the snow is melting. The stake with orange tie marker my husband put out front 6 days ago shows just how much the snow pile has melted. Progress and hope measured with each inch that melts away!
My job is becoming less exhausting as new routines settle in with each passing day. Those piles of snow in my brain thankfully are slowly melting too.
Spring time is so welcomed after the harshness winter brings. Its sweetness and color we pay attention to and treasure.
There are seasons in our lives as well. We weather through many kinds of winters in the experiences our lives bring to us. We rejoice when those winters end and spring finds us once again.
And yet, it is the winters of our lives that allow us to see our growth when the spring sun warms up the world around us.
We just might not take notice of aspects of ourselves if it weren’t for the stark contrast of our life’s winters and springs.
I’m learning a lot with this job change including things about myself that I would not have seen with out it. My life it teaching me things I need to learn to continue to grow.
What have you learned through the most recent ‘winter’ of your life experience?
I sat warmly inside and watched the sun peek out between the trees this morning as it made its way upward from the horizon.
The morning sunrise connects me with my dad. I feel close to him when I look into the sun’s rays. It is as though for a brief time he is here with me in spirit, and I miss him. I feel the sharpness of my loss alongside the warmth of knowing he is here with me too. It is a strange mix of emotion both comforting and painful all in the same moment. I know I’m releasing grief with each breath I take.
I am grateful for the sun’s reminder of my dad. When I take the opportunity to reflect on him and feel my painful loss it is a time of healing.
I have to give myself the opportunity to release my grief too.
Sometimes I just don’t have the energy or time or it’s not the right place to allow my grief to come forward and I touch it ever so briefly and push it back inside.
Sixteen months since his death it still seems surreal at times that my dad is gone. I wonder just how this person who’s been there my whole life can simply no longer be. My mind fills with memories. I want so badly to go back in time. My heart is heavy. I feel the intense rawness of my emotions. Tears come forward to help me release my grief and move to accept, yet once again, this unavoidable and painfully real part of life itself.
I don’t always get to see the sun but it is still there up beyond the clouds on dreary days. I can’t see my dad but he is still here for me in my memory and in my heart.
Today I could feel his spirit’s presence in the warmth of that sunshine streaming in through my window and my heavy heart can rest a little lighter having touched upon and released a bit more of my grief.
What helps you move through your grief and remain connect to those you’ve lost?
Do Contact Me in Grief Therapy you can work on releasing your grief.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
I enjoy early morning quiet time. In the warmer months I am outside on the deck. In the colder months I sit in my living room dimly lit with candle light. Watching the flame of a candle is a meditative experience for me, calming too. And, my mind wanders as I sit.
I’ve noticed that certain thoughts will often catch hold of me and I begin counting on a thought to come to be a reality. I grab hold and own the thought, begin thinking it just has to happen, that it is meant to be, or that somehow I know the outcome will be “it”. I even begin planning for it in a way, seeing a series of events all linked to it like a movie in my brain.
As life unfolds my thinking generally turns out to be nothing more than that movie in my brain. And I will experience some disappointment, or anger, or relief, or sadness because what I thought and grabbed hold of didn’t actually happen.
It is that difference between what I think will happen and what really does happen that creates my pain.
In my quiet time I can more clearly see how I create pain by living in that movie in brain. In this quiet space I can tap into my inner wisdom and my wise mind comes forth to help me see my thoughts as nothing more than simple thoughts that I can let go of to float down that endless stream of thoughts going through my mind each day.
In this quiet space I know way deep down I am not so alone with this mind of mine and this brings me comfort and peace.
How do you create stillness and connect with your wise mind?
We are in the midst of a winter snow storm on this Valentine’s Day here in West Michigan. The snow will blow so fiercely I can’t see my neighbor’s house across the street one minutes then quiets a bit to swirl and dance outside my window the next. And it is cold! It is a good day to stay snuggled up inside.
Life challenges seem to ebb and flow much like that snow storm outside my window.
In some moments of my life, I’m not able to see my way through all that is blowing around me. I feel lost and just want to, and often do, retreat inside. Other moments the way is clearer for me to see and I am able to negotiate through the turbulence life brings and more readily find my way.
The reality is that storms do end and the sun does come out.
But, it can be very hard for me to remember this in the midst of life’s storms especially when I am worn down and exhausted trying to survive through it.
When I practice gratitude it helps me to find my way.
When my mind focuses on the blowing snow and I also notice the warmth and comfort of the home giving me shelter from the cold, I am grateful to all the people who’ve made this home possible for me to live in—from all those who assisted in building it some 26 years ago to all those who are working right now to heat it on this very cold day!
When I shift my focus in this way my heart lightens, my burden is not so heavy, I see more clearly what I have that can help me weather the storms that life brings.
The simple things in life really aren’t so simple once we pause to reflect on them.
I take so much for granted especially on the intensely stormy days of my life when I’m cold and worn, can’t see my way and am angry that it is storming to begin with!
As a teen I wondered if I would ever have a boyfriend to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. It seemed like it would never happen. It was a stormy period in my life. Today some 40 years later I am very grateful to have a wonderful caring husband to share this day and over 35 other Valentine Day’s with as well.
I am grateful to be weathering through the many stormy times of my life. I’ve learned much from and through them—especially how important gratitude is to help ground me in the present moment and provide me strength and courage to carry on.
What are you grateful for this Valentine’s Day?
I’m in the midst of adjusting to a new job and pretty much everything is new. On one hand it has been an exciting time and on the other very overwhelming and frankly a lot of hard work. I have been more keenly focused on just how much hard work this transition has been too.
Life is often like that—two polar opposites going on at the very same time.
It is a useful skill to be able to view life from many directions rather from one point of view.
I get stuck when I only see one vantage point and this creates challenges for me in how I respond to the world around me. I become rigid and unyielding. My anxiety heightens, my muscles tense and my tootsies dig in. I am much more flexible and open when I can see other views.
This applies to how I treat myself too. I am kinder to myself when I see both sides. I am more relaxed, less anxious and judgmental—including about me. I breathe easier. I think clearer. I have more balance and peace.
So, for today I am making the choice to focus on how exciting my new job has been and the rewards it is bringing. As a result, I won’t carry the hard work of the week all ready completed with me into my weekend. I will be more balanced, let myself relax, enjoy this day and my weekend.
What in your life feels out of balance right now? In what other ways might you view this situation to regain some balance?
Some days it is not easy for me to figure out what I need to do to take good care of me. Today is one of those days. I am very out of sorts, tired and spent.
My mind has a “to do” list swirling around on one side and the other side strongly rejects its existence. I need to quiet my mind, let that list go and relax so I can rejuvenate. Getting there however is like a battle of wills in my brain.
To practice taking good care of me I am making this week’s blog entry short and sweet. I need to let go of this line item on that “to do” list and curl up on the couch with a cat, book or an old movie and let my mind and body unwind.
I hope you will look long and deep inside and give to yourself what it is that you need today to take very good care of you!
What do you need to do for you today?
My sweet cat Gurney is a stickler for routines. She wakes me up on schedule which is helpful most days. She insists on the morning routine we have of how food and such flow. She likes her dinner routine too and is very good at letting us know when it is time for her bed time snack. Gurney’s tummy rules the roost.
Like Gurney, I am a creature of routine too. There is comfort in the familiar. Little thought and effort has to go into it. Often however I wonder if I just did some part my routine. My mind is elsewhere and not focused on what I am actually doing.
We have monkey minds that are all over the place. Our minds wander, and take us to all sorts of places other than where we are and perhaps really need to be.
There is a tool we can use to help sharpen our focus called mindfulness. It is quite simple but because of our monkey minds, it does take practice to become skilled in using.
Mindfulness is about being more completely present in the moment we are in.
We can use our breath to help train our focus and become more mindful. All that is required is to sit quietly and follow our breath in and out, over and over and over again. And when that monkey takes over and our mind wanders simply, gently notice that it has wandered and bring focus back to our breath.
Without being mindful we can miss so much in the life that is going on around us: the taste of the piece of chocolate in our mouth, the sun streaming in the window, the gentle purring of a napping cat, the fresh coffee brewing in the kitchen, the smile that is greeting us, the warmth of a hug.
There is research that shows significant benefits to physical and emotional health through the practice of mindfulness. When we can be more fully present in each moment of our life the riches we have become more visible and our ability to deal with life’s hardships improves.
My little Gurney is skilled at her mindful focus especially on her tummy and our routines. As a result she is not apt to miss a meal at least not when I am around!
How might your life benefit from the practice of mindfulness?
Do contact me to get started with depression therapy and/or anxiety therapy today!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
Happy New Year to you! 2015 is here all ready!
Do you remember as a kid how summer seemed like it went on forever? Now a summer goes by in the blink of an eye. A summer is a much larger portion of our whole lifetime at age 6 than it is when we are in our 40’s or 50’s or beyond.
Our perspectives change during our life including our perspective of time.
I’ve been looking at things I’ve hung on to, collected, tucked away for safe keeping from a different perspective too. I no longer have room to keep it all. I really don’t want to keep hanging on to it all either. It serves little purpose to keep doing so.
It is time to clear the clutter that is getting in my way.
From the clutter in my cupboards and closets to the clutter in my mind, it is time to let some things go that no longer fit my life.
While this brand new year seems like the opportune time to make room for growth, realistically each day we are given a fresh start. Each day we make choices.
It is important to remember that our clutter didn’t arrive overnight and it will take time to see progress in our efforts to clear it away. First we have to recognize and own it. Facing our clutter can be a painful process. It forces us to grapple with the fact that we are an imperfect human being.
Making change takes intentional practice and patience and daily effort. It just does. We need to be aware of our thoughts and actions, of our old habits and behaviors and self correct as we go along. Initially it takes much of our focus to make change. The longer we practice the amount of effort required diminishes.
Life is about practicing. Our learning will never be completed. We just keep growing into all we are meant to be as our life moves forward.
We can resolve to do all that it takes to let go of the clutter that no longer fits. In doing so we open ourselves to the perspectives and growth that middle age brings. We can do this work with kindness and compassion for our self as we take it one day at a time.
What clutter is getting in your way?
It is a windy day today. I live in a wooded area surrounded by very tall pine trees that are swaying in that wind outside my window. The very tallest trees were planted back in the 1940’s. They’ve survived a long time enduring many storms and winds since then.
I can see trees swaying down near the bottom of their trunks with some of the bigger gusts of wind. It is very fortunate they are firmly rooted and have the flexibility they need to endure what ever Mother Nature brings their way.
They remind me of the importance in life of having both roots and flexibility to not only survive but thrive in this world of ours.
I have to bend enough to adjust to the ever changing world around me and to do that I need to be rooted firmly in who I am.
I need both just like those trees do to maintain my stance. When I am less able to be flexible I become off balance and lose my way, lose my peace of mind, lose my ability to cope well and make good choices.
It can be work for me to maintain flexibility in the face of change. Fear can uproot me if I allow it.
Trees need fertile soil, sunshine and water to grow their roots, be strong and flexibly stand tall. I need quiet time, exercise, healthy food, enough sleep, to acknowledge my emotions, connection with loved ones to stay rooted in who I am.
My roots allow me to be more flexible, open and adaptive. My roots help me grow and survive the many storms that life brings and be who I am meant to be.
Trees swaying in the wind…a helpful reminder brought to us by Mother Nature herself!
What do you need in order to stay rooted in who you are and remain flexibly adaptive in the face of change?
