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JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC
It is important to allow space for that pain to be recognized and released, and give ourselves the permission to do so as well.
The opportunity to work with the grief that weighs heavy on our hearts is a gift this season brings to us each year.
There is a hole inside for me created by the key losses in my life. At times the edges have healed some and the tenderness of that wound is mild. This time of year the edges are raw. Releasing my grief helps the hole to heal again. I let go of some of the pain that lays trapped in the depths of that hole. It is released in little bits as time marches on.
Learning how to negotiate our way through the pain of loss is an important life skill. The longer we are alive the more loss we will experience.
It can be difficult to join in the joyfulness and playfulness this season brings if we don’t release the pain that knocks at our hearts door. We have to let go in order to move forward and heal. It does take one step at a time to do so.
How and when will you allow yourself the opportunity to release some of the pain of the losses you carry this holiday season?
Do Contact Me
Grief Therapy can be an especially important gift to give yourself during these difficult holiday times.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
It’s that time of year when there is a lot to tend to beyond the regular day to day tasks in our lives. It is easy for me to become overwhelmed trying to get it all done too. I have to remind myself to step back and let things be when the “to do” list and my energy level don’t exactly balance.
This is a good time of year to practice healthy coping skills.
We can practice mindfulness by using our senses to take in the world around us right in the moment we are currently in. Smell the smells, see the colors and textures, hear the sounds, savor the tastes, feel the ground underneath us and describe in our mind what we are experiencing.
We can follow our breath as it enters and exits our body from beginning to end for brief or lengthier periods of time. We can purposefully allow our breath to slow down and calm us.
We can make certain to get plenty of rest and eat healthy foods to give our body the fuel it needs to keep us going. We can keep up with getting regular exercise making that a priority too.
We can make our “to do” list match the time we have available, and remember to keep it simple and our expectations realistic.
We can learn to say no including to ourselves and that one more item we think we just have to get done.
It can be easy to skimp on taking care of ourselves as the days grow closer to the holidays. We pay a price when we do that however. And, so can those around us when our patience level diminishes irritability can get the best of us.We can say and do things later we regret.
We deny ourselves the experience of joy this season can bring when we don’t take care of ourselves and make that an important part of our holiday experience.
My wish for you is to take very good care of yourself this holiday season!
What can you do to practice healthy self care this season?
Our little McAllister has had a rough week. We’ve been doctoring for a couple of months with her this fall. More challenges surfaced this week requiring another trip to the vet. She is a trooper. The look on her face when I loaded her in her carrier was one of resignation and gratitude. Or at least that’s what I interpret the look to be.
This morning she is having problems yet again. And I fret and worry and wish I could make it all better for her. It is hard knowing she doesn’t feel well. I want her to feel better right now.
These imperfect bodies of ours bring us all challenges to deal with. Especially as we get older our bodies change and things do go wrong.
I was eating something several weeks ago and a small chunk of a back tooth came off. My dentist tells me that several of my teeth have cracks in them. I’m wearing them out with each use.
The joys of aging I keep saying, which in reality is a resignation that life brings what it brings. And like McAllister I am grateful to have people that will help try to make my aging body be better again.
I’ve learned however that there are few quick fixes in life.
My little McAllister may need more doctoring. My tooth needed a procedure and that has to heal for several weeks before I can have a crown put on it.
Everything takes time. Patience requires practice.
The good news is that we are offered plenty of opportunities as we get older to practice having patience aren’t we! And, that’s whether we like it or not!
What do you need to practice having more patience with today?
I’m sitting on my couch this morning pondering what to write listening to my little Dunkin cat playing with a toy mouse—her favorite “baby”.
As Dunkin carries her favorite mouse she makes this happy little chirp meowing sound. She will drop it, bat it with her paw, pick it up and take it to a new location to play with some more.
The mouse has a little bell that rings too so we can hear her and it around the house. The tune in her meow is one she uses only when she plays with her special mouse. She sounds very happy as she gallops around singing to her “baby”. She makes my heart smile.
This poor green mouse has been well loved by Dunkin too. I am concerned just how long it will last with its stuffing hanging out. I’ve looked for replacements just in case but haven’t found the exact same one. What will Dunkin do without it?
We all get attached to things, people, routines, and habits that seem to matter and wonder just how we could do with out them.
Life is forever changing.
Things wear out. People leave us. The TV series ends. They stop making a product we’ve grown fond of. The pumpkin pie is all gone.
What matters most is how I deal with the reality that life is forever changing.
Dunkin is so in the moment that I suspect that she will have a far easier time accepting when her sweet “baby” green mouse is no more than I will! I get attached and cling. I want her to be happy and have her “baby” to play with forever.
When I pull myself into the moment I’m in, I do deal better accepting the impermanence of life. I put an end to my suffering whether it is big or small from the want of what will not be. This I have the choice to do. Some moments that choice is easier to see and exercise than others. And, I keep practicing and practicing and practicing.
Dunkin, you make it look so easy to be in the moment…if I could just be more like you!
What aspects of change in your daily life are easier and harder for you to accept?
This upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday is an opportune time to experience the benefit that gratitude brings forth in our lives. As we gather this week with friends and family to enjoy our traditional meal we take time to connect with those people important in our lives. Thankfulness is on our minds.
A grateful heart gives so much to us in our daily lives. It is a simple concept but not so simple for me to practice.
When I want for a certain outcome and make plans based on my wishful
thinking I become disappointed when life doesn’t turn out exactly as I want it to be.
When I focus on what I have instead of what I want to have or what is instead of what I want to be, I am more at peace. Nothing has changed and yet everything is different.
Gratitude is the key that unlocks my serenity.
Thankfully I catch my thoughts more readily as they wander down that wanting/wishful path and can stop myself from continuing that hurtful form of thinking. When I switch my thoughts to reality and appreciate exactly what is, I learn once again the joy that a grateful heart does bring.
I do after all have so very much to be thankful for in this life I have been given. My guess is that you do too.
What is your heart grateful for today?
October was the second anniversary of my dad’s death. It is still difficult some moments to reconcile that he is no longer here. Seems strange that someone who has been with me from the very moment of conception is simply gone from my life forever. This reality strikes me at moments rather oddly and I struggle to make sense of it.
Sometimes the intensity of my grief hits hard and sobs come forth from deep within me. Other times my grief is gentler.
Tis important for me to acknowledge my sadness and grief when it comes and let it flow as it needs to flow. I don’t fight it. I go with the wave, ride it out, and as it dissipates I move on.
Two years all ready. I wonder just how that can be! Miss so many things about my dad. And while life is different without him, living has gone on in spite of losing him.
I am grateful to have had my dad in my life for as long as I did. He did his best to deal the various health problems he had for many years. I know his body just could not take any more.
I am grateful for the fond memories I have of my dad that warm my heart. He loved me. And I love him too.
When waves of grief hit you what do you do that helps you to ride them out?
Do Contact Me in Grief Therapy you can learn to ride the waves of grief.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
It has been such a long time since I’ve written a post that I’m not sure how to start this up again! I’ve needed this time to pull back and tend to the basics of my life and not push myself to produce much beyond simply that.
In truth tending to the basics of work, family and my household took all the energy I had to give for several months. I’d forgotten just how much energy learning a new job takes.
Finally as weeks and months progressed new routines have settled in and my brain isn’t working so hard to figure it all out anymore. Thankfully, I feel energy and my creative energy returning as well.
I’ve been able to pick up a couple books and read again. I’ve sat with my double mitten knitting project started last year left untouched since March and knit a few rows. I’ve even cleaned out a couple closets and baked some brownies and sugar cookies over the last couple of months too.
It isn’t so easy to figure out what I need to do to take care of myself some times. I know that my old habit of stubbornly pushing myself doesn’t work as well any more. I’m learning when to say when and call it good enough and allow myself the opportunity to rest.
So, thank you dear reader for your patience with me for having left this site untouched for so many months. Unfortunately writing posts that once gave me energy zapped me of what little reserve I had left and sadly I had nothing to give.
I hope to work my way back to post on a regular basis. For now I am taking a one day at a time approach and remembering to take time to breathe!
What do you do to help yourself when you are tired and worn?
I’ve not written a post in weeks. My creative juices had all but dried up or so it has seemed. My energy was needed for day to day living and I didn’t have extra to spare.
We go through periods in life when the well runs dry from time to time. I’ve been here before and know this won’t last forever. That is a benefit of middle age—the experience of living through years of life’s ebbs and flows.
I gave myself permission to let go and not pressure myself into coming up with a post to share. Since there wasn’t an inspirational bone in my body that was pretty easy to do! And, I chose not to feel guilt with my decision.
Some of the perspectives and life skills that brought me through my young adult life don’t always work so well in my middle years.
I’m one who has pushed and pressured herself into doing. At times this is necessary and helpful. At times however, it has gotten in my way.
I’ve learned to listen more readily to that wise voice deep inside that knows what I need. She guides me well. And when I both listen and do what really needs to be done I am more at peace in my life.
As the earth warms with the spring sun and rain, color is once again emerging in my yard. It is time to gently unpack the dead leaves and debris that have protected the delicate foliage from the transitional spring weather. Spring is beginning to bloom.
With self compassion and gentleness as my guide, my life will also bloom with energy once again.
What perspectives/life skills are helping you through challenges in your life?
It has been a long winter inside and out for me. I am grateful that there has been hint of spring this last week and the winter snow is melting away. It feels hopeful that spring’s renewal is on its way to my door step and in my heart.
This winter has felt heavy. I took on the challenge of a job change and have had all kinds of new things to learn and adjust to. My mind has been on over load taking it all in. It’s been like trudging through the cold and drifted snow in my brain some days this winter. I’ve hunkered down inside to stay warm and recover from my journey too.
Some times is seems like we just can’t handle one more thing when our plates are full and our hearts are heavy. And like with winter it seems as though it will never end.
Gratefully the snow is melting. The stake with orange tie marker my husband put out front 6 days ago shows just how much the snow pile has melted. Progress and hope measured with each inch that melts away!
My job is becoming less exhausting as new routines settle in with each passing day. Those piles of snow in my brain thankfully are slowly melting too.
Spring time is so welcomed after the harshness winter brings. Its sweetness and color we pay attention to and treasure.
There are seasons in our lives as well. We weather through many kinds of winters in the experiences our lives bring to us. We rejoice when those winters end and spring finds us once again.
And yet, it is the winters of our lives that allow us to see our growth when the spring sun warms up the world around us.
We just might not take notice of aspects of ourselves if it weren’t for the stark contrast of our life’s winters and springs.
I’m learning a lot with this job change including things about myself that I would not have seen with out it. My life it teaching me things I need to learn to continue to grow.
What have you learned through the most recent ‘winter’ of your life experience?
I sat warmly inside and watched the sun peek out between the trees this morning as it made its way upward from the horizon.
The morning sunrise connects me with my dad. I feel close to him when I look into the sun’s rays. It is as though for a brief time he is here with me in spirit, and I miss him. I feel the sharpness of my loss alongside the warmth of knowing he is here with me too. It is a strange mix of emotion both comforting and painful all in the same moment. I know I’m releasing grief with each breath I take.
I am grateful for the sun’s reminder of my dad. When I take the opportunity to reflect on him and feel my painful loss it is a time of healing.
I have to give myself the opportunity to release my grief too.
Sometimes I just don’t have the energy or time or it’s not the right place to allow my grief to come forward and I touch it ever so briefly and push it back inside.
Sixteen months since his death it still seems surreal at times that my dad is gone. I wonder just how this person who’s been there my whole life can simply no longer be. My mind fills with memories. I want so badly to go back in time. My heart is heavy. I feel the intense rawness of my emotions. Tears come forward to help me release my grief and move to accept, yet once again, this unavoidable and painfully real part of life itself.
I don’t always get to see the sun but it is still there up beyond the clouds on dreary days. I can’t see my dad but he is still here for me in my memory and in my heart.
Today I could feel his spirit’s presence in the warmth of that sunshine streaming in through my window and my heavy heart can rest a little lighter having touched upon and released a bit more of my grief.
What helps you move through your grief and remain connect to those you’ve lost?
Do Contact Me in Grief Therapy you can work on releasing your grief.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
I enjoy early morning quiet space. In the warmer months sometimes I am outside on the deck. In the colder months I sit in my living room dimly lit with candle light. Watching the flame of a candle is a meditative experience for me, calming too. And, my mind wanders as I sit.
I’ve noticed that certain thoughts will often catch hold of me and I begin counting on a thought to become a reality. It’s like I grab hold and own the thought, begin thinking it just has to happen, that it is meant to be, or that somehow, I know the outcome will be “it”. Might even begin planning for ‘it’ in a way, seeing a series of events all linked to ‘it’ like a movie in my brain.
But as life unfolds my thinking of how or what ‘it’s’ goanna be like generally turns out to be nothing more than a movie in my brain. One that I created too. And I might even experience some disappointment, or anger, or relief, or sadness because what I thought and grabbed hold of didn’t actually happen.
It is that difference between what I think will happen and what really does happen that creates my pain. We react emotionally and physically to the thoughts we carry. Those thoughts can end up causing us much distress and lead us to feeling anxious and depressed. In my quiet space I can more clearly see how I create pain by living in that movie in my brain.
Sitting quietly, I can tap into my inner wisdom and my wise mind comes forth. And I am able to see my thought as nothing more than simple thought. It’s not real, not tangible, it’s just a thought. If it’s just a thought I can choose to let go of it and allow it to float down that endless stream of thoughts going through my mind each day all day long.
I might opt to grab hold of that thought again someday or even some minutes from now. And be off running with it in my head again. But I can find a quiet space, allow my inner wisdom to help me unravel that movie in my head and see my thoughts as just thoughts once again. And again, and again and again if I need to!
When I’m in this quiet space I know way deep down I am not so alone with this mind of mine and this brings me comfort and peace.
How do you create stillness, quiet space and connect with your wise mind?
Do Contact Me if the movie in your head won’t stop playing. Depression Therapy and Anxiety Therapy can help that movie stop playing over and over again!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
We are in the midst of a winter snow storm on this Valentine’s Day here in West Michigan. The snow will blow so fiercely I can’t see my neighbor’s house across the street one minutes then quiets a bit to swirl and dance outside my window the next. And it is cold! It is a good day to stay snuggled up inside.
Life challenges seem to ebb and flow much like that snow storm outside my window.
In some moments of my life, I’m not able to see my way through all that is blowing around me. I feel lost and just want to, and often do, retreat inside. Other moments the way is clearer for me to see and I am able to negotiate through the turbulence life brings and more readily find my way.
The reality is that storms do end and the sun does come out.
But, it can be very hard for me to remember this in the midst of life’s storms especially when I am worn down and exhausted trying to survive through it.
When I practice gratitude it helps me to find my way.
When my mind focuses on the blowing snow and I also notice the warmth and comfort of the home giving me shelter from the cold, I am grateful to all the people who’ve made this home possible for me to live in—from all those who assisted in building it some 26 years ago to all those who are working right now to heat it on this very cold day!
When I shift my focus in this way my heart lightens, my burden is not so heavy, I see more clearly what I have that can help me weather the storms that life brings.
The simple things in life really aren’t so simple once we pause to reflect on them.
I take so much for granted especially on the intensely stormy days of my life when I’m cold and worn, can’t see my way and am angry that it is storming to begin with!
As a teen I wondered if I would ever have a boyfriend to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. It seemed like it would never happen. It was a stormy period in my life. Today some 40 years later I am very grateful to have a wonderful caring husband to share this day and over 35 other Valentine Day’s with as well.
I am grateful to be weathering through the many stormy times of my life. I’ve learned much from and through them—especially how important gratitude is to help ground me in the present moment and provide me strength and courage to carry on.
What are you grateful for this Valentine’s Day?
