Phone: 616-217-9489 | eMail: jude@midlifetoolsforliving.com
JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC
I’m in the midst of adjusting to a new job and pretty much everything is new. On one hand it has been an exciting time and on the other very overwhelming and frankly a lot of hard work. I have been more keenly focused on just how much hard work this transition has been too.
Life is often like that—two polar opposites going on at the very same time.
It is a useful skill to be able to view life from many directions rather from one point of view.
I get stuck when I only see one vantage point and this creates challenges for me in how I respond to the world around me. I become rigid and unyielding. My anxiety heightens, my muscles tense and my tootsies dig in. I am much more flexible and open when I can see other views.
This applies to how I treat myself too. I am kinder to myself when I see both sides. I am more relaxed, less anxious and judgmental—including about me. I breathe easier. I think clearer. I have more balance and peace.
So, for today I am making the choice to focus on how exciting my new job has been and the rewards it is bringing. As a result, I won’t carry the hard work of the week all ready completed with me into my weekend. I will be more balanced, let myself relax, enjoy this day and my weekend.
What in your life feels out of balance right now? In what other ways might you view this situation to regain some balance?
Some days it is not easy for me to figure out what I need to do to take good care of me. Today is one of those days. I am very out of sorts, tired and spent.
My mind has a “to do” list swirling around on one side and the other side strongly rejects its existence. I need to quiet my mind, let that list go and relax so I can rejuvenate. Getting there however is like a battle of wills in my brain.
To practice taking good care of me I am making this week’s blog entry short and sweet. I need to let go of this line item on that “to do” list and curl up on the couch with a cat, book or an old movie and let my mind and body unwind.
I hope you will look long and deep inside and give to yourself what it is that you need today to take very good care of you!
What do you need to do for you today?
My sweet cat Gurney is a stickler for routines. She wakes me up on schedule which is helpful most days. She insists on the morning routine we have of how food and such flow. She likes her dinner routine too and is very good at letting us know when it is time for her bed time snack. Gurney’s tummy rules the roost.
Like Gurney, I am a creature of routine too. There is comfort in the familiar. Little thought and effort has to go into it. Often however I wonder if I just did some part my routine. My mind is elsewhere and not focused on what I am actually doing.
We have monkey minds that are all over the place. Our minds wander, and take us to all sorts of places other than where we are and perhaps really need to be.
There is a tool we can use to help sharpen our focus called mindfulness. It is quite simple but because of our monkey minds, it does take practice to become skilled in using.
Mindfulness is about being more completely present in the moment we are in.
We can use our breath to help train our focus and become more mindful. All that is required is to sit quietly and follow our breath in and out, over and over and over again. And when that monkey takes over and our mind wanders simply, gently notice that it has wandered and bring focus back to our breath.
Without being mindful we can miss so much in the life that is going on around us: the taste of the piece of chocolate in our mouth, the sun streaming in the window, the gentle purring of a napping cat, the fresh coffee brewing in the kitchen, the smile that is greeting us, the warmth of a hug.
There is research that shows significant benefits to physical and emotional health through the practice of mindfulness. When we can be more fully present in each moment of our life the riches we have become more visible and our ability to deal with life’s hardships improves.
My little Gurney is skilled at her mindful focus especially on her tummy and our routines. As a result she is not apt to miss a meal at least not when I am around!
How might your life benefit from the practice of mindfulness?
Do contact me to get started with depression therapy and/or anxiety therapy today!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
Happy New Year to you! 2015 is here all ready!
Do you remember as a kid how summer seemed like it went on forever? Now a summer goes by in the blink of an eye. A summer is a much larger portion of our whole lifetime at age 6 than it is when we are in our 40’s or 50’s or beyond.
Our perspectives change during our life including our perspective of time.
I’ve been looking at things I’ve hung on to, collected, tucked away for safe keeping from a different perspective too. I no longer have room to keep it all. I really don’t want to keep hanging on to it all either. It serves little purpose to keep doing so.
It is time to clear the clutter that is getting in my way.
From the clutter in my cupboards and closets to the clutter in my mind, it is time to let some things go that no longer fit my life.
While this brand new year seems like the opportune time to make room for growth, realistically each day we are given a fresh start. Each day we make choices.
It is important to remember that our clutter didn’t arrive overnight and it will take time to see progress in our efforts to clear it away. First we have to recognize and own it. Facing our clutter can be a painful process. It forces us to grapple with the fact that we are an imperfect human being.
Making change takes intentional practice and patience and daily effort. It just does. We need to be aware of our thoughts and actions, of our old habits and behaviors and self correct as we go along. Initially it takes much of our focus to make change. The longer we practice the amount of effort required diminishes.
Life is about practicing. Our learning will never be completed. We just keep growing into all we are meant to be as our life moves forward.
We can resolve to do all that it takes to let go of the clutter that no longer fits. In doing so we open ourselves to the perspectives and growth that middle age brings. We can do this work with kindness and compassion for our self as we take it one day at a time.
What clutter is getting in your way?
It is a windy day today. I live in a wooded area surrounded by very tall pine trees that are swaying in that wind outside my window. The very tallest trees were planted back in the 1940’s. They’ve survived a long time enduring many storms and winds since then.
I can see trees swaying down near the bottom of their trunks with some of the bigger gusts of wind. It is very fortunate they are firmly rooted and have the flexibility they need to endure what ever Mother Nature brings their way.
They remind me of the importance in life of having both roots and flexibility to not only survive but thrive in this world of ours.
I have to bend enough to adjust to the ever changing world around me and to do that I need to be rooted firmly in who I am.
I need both just like those trees do to maintain my stance. When I am less able to be flexible I become off balance and lose my way, lose my peace of mind, lose my ability to cope well and make good choices.
It can be work for me to maintain flexibility in the face of change. Fear can uproot me if I allow it.
Trees need fertile soil, sunshine and water to grow their roots, be strong and flexibly stand tall. I need quiet time, exercise, healthy food, enough sleep, to acknowledge my emotions, connection with loved ones to stay rooted in who I am.
My roots allow me to be more flexible, open and adaptive. My roots help me grow and survive the many storms that life brings and be who I am meant to be.
Trees swaying in the wind…a helpful reminder brought to us by Mother Nature herself!
What do you need in order to stay rooted in who you are and remain flexibly adaptive in the face of change?
Tis that time of year when the world falls in love…so says that song I hear in my head. We carry with us many expectations this time of year that so often don’t meet up with reality.
It is the difference between what actually is and what we hope, want, yearn for, believe is supposed to happen that creates our suffering any time of year and especially this time of year.
By this midlife time of life, we’ve come to know loss and our holiday gatherings are missing people who once shared in our lives. Their memory remains ever present in our hearts. And we miss them.
We can be kind and gentle with ourselves this holiday season as we recognize and accept rather than stuff our feelings of grief.
We can purposefully give ourselves time and space to shed our tears. We can remember the reality that loss is a part of life itself and learn to negotiate our way straight through the pain that loss brings. This is how we heal.
By this midlife time of life, we’ve experienced numerous family gatherings that bring forth an array of dynamics, challenges and emotions.
We can learn to accept our not so picture perfect family.
We don’t have control of anyone but ourselves. We can focus on our own emotional reactions and behaviors by observing our thoughts and judgments and make a conscious choice about how we want to behave. Keeping focus on our own self is a powerful gift we give to not only to ourselves but to our loved ones as well.
By this midlife time of life, we are beginning to take a bit longer to get things done. This is just the way it is. We can acknowledge that we have limited energy and pick and choose where to place the energy that we do have.
We can let go of the expectations we have created for what our holiday experience “should” look or be like.
We can let it be good enough and stop our grasps for a perfection that doesn’t really exist. We can use our senses to be more fully present in the moment we are in and experience simple pleasures we so readily over look.
We can with conscious intentional practice learn to live life on life’s terms rather than through the expectations we carry that cloud our minds and heavy our hearts. In doing so we free ourselves from suffering and experience a joy that only the acceptance of what is can bring.
What will you make intentional practice of accepting this holiday season?
It’s that time of year when we work so hard to find that perfect gift for those special people in our lives. It is work too! We ponder each person, consider what they might enjoy, go in search of finding it, wrap it up all pretty, and deliver it.
When we watch someone experience receiving our gift, we are able to witness the payoff of gift giving first hand. We are thanked in their reactions. We feel good.
Giving to others is a gift that we give to ourselves.
It is a pleasurable, rewarding, feel good experience to give. A simple smile from the receiver tells it all. Our gift has brought some joy. We’ve made a difference.
It warms our heart to give.
There are many gifts that are not purchasable that feel good to both give and receive. We can with intention remember to include them in our holiday gift giving fare:
…the gift of tolerance for those whose lives are vastly different than my own
…the gift of understanding that not every one thinks as I do
…the gift of time to listen
…the gift of telling someone that I care
…the gift of patience for those around me as
…the gift of acknowledging and letting go of my judgments of others
…the gift of a smile
…the gift of recognizing the efforts another puts forth
…the gift of kindness towards a stranger
…the gift of love
…the gift of openness in my attitudes and in my heart
…the gift of sharing of myself with others
…the gift of a hug
…the gift of being grateful for the people in our lives and telling them so
…the gift of managing my emotional reactions in healthy ways
…the gift of a peaceful heart
These are just of few of the gifts that money can’t buy yet make a huge difference in our lives and in the lives of those around us. These gifts involve work on our part. They may not be easy to give or so easy for us to acknowledge our effort to give them. Yet the rewards for giving the gifts that money can’t buy are vastly fulfilling.
In the midst of our holiday preparations we can pause, be reflective and remember to intentionally give focus to these gifts that have far longer lasting impact than any of the store bought items we so hope will bring joy.
What gifts do you hope to impart in the world around you this holiday season?
One of my fond memories from childhood is listening to a Chipmunk Christmas record at my grandparent’s home.
The rather obnoxious Christmas, Christmas Don’t Be Late song has come to be a favorite of mine. I play, sing and force my husband to listen to it each year when we cut our Christmas tree. It is a tradition, firmly entrenched into our holiday experience.
Several years ago during a very challenging time in my life as fate would have it, I happened upon the first of the new animated Chipmunk movies while it was on TV. This movie brought me wonderful joy and laughter at a time I needed it the most too.
These little critters are so real and the story lines and music are delightful. Yes, I am an obsessed fan. I own all three movies and sound tracks and have a collection of Chipmunk items proudly on display!
It has been good therapy for my soul to watch the movies and also to listen to their music and sing along. Alvin, Simon and Theodore make me laugh and frankly have gotten me through some really rough times. To the movie creators I am most grateful!
The holiday after my father died was a very hard one for my family.
We changed up or normal venue. My husband and I hosted family at our house.
It was an emotional experience for me when we went out to cut our tree. In tears I listened to that Chipmunk song as we drove home with it. I just could not open the boxes of ornaments we’ve collected over the yearsas it seemed way too emotionally heavy to do.
The tree sat for a week with only lights strung on it.
My favorite line in the Chipmunk movies comes in the first movie when my dear little Theodore spots a basket and jumps into it to escape from being trampled. He says: “Oooh muffins” in his cute little fill up my tummy way as he lands into a pile of them inside the basket.
I was given an inspirational idea after our tree sat naked for so long: adorn it in Chipmunk fashion. So, I baked up a batch of mini gingerbread muffins wrapped them up and hung them on the tree. I donned the tree top with a red construction paper star with a big yellow A in the middle and put my beanie baby Chipmunk and Chipette characters in the branches.
Going into the holiday I knew that is was important to keep the mood as light as possible.
My Chipmunk tree made me smile each time I looked at it rather than cry thinking of the absence of my dad that first holiday without him. My family smiled too.
To Alvin and the boys I owe much gratitude…Christmas wasn’t late last year nor was it only full of painful reminders of our loss.
What brings you smile therapy when you need it the most?
A long time ago in a far away place, namely kindergarten I learned the only song I associate with Thanksgiving and these are the only lines I recall of it:
“Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go.
The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the bright and drifting snow, oh!”
I have a fond memory of learning that song. I can see a snow cover play area outside the windows of the classroom and a piano in the room with us. It is a warm cozy feeling in my memory being in that classroom.
I also think of my father’s mother when my mind drifts back to that song. We lived next door to her at that time of my life. She lived on the family farm. There were horses on the farm before I was born and I heard stories as grandma and my dad loved to tell them. Perhaps that is why I think of grandma as well when I remember that song.
I also associate oatmeal and dipping buttered toast in it with my grandmother. It warms my heart consuming it yet to this day because I think of her and remember eating it in the farm house kitchen.
Memories are powerful. They can take us to all kinds of places and all sorts of emotional states can be evoked in an instant.
We can pull forward memories to comfort us in times of distress.
I am grateful for those simpler times in my life now etched in my memory and for those people who helped create those special moments for me.
Mrs. Colby was my kindergarten teacher. She made a difference to me. I wrote to her from the time I was in junior high until she died. She wrote me back too.
This is the time of year when we step back and think of those people who’ve been there for us and with us during our lifetime. We remain connected to them through our memories and gratefulness for all they’ve provided to us, even if they are no longer living.
Oh those wonderful memories fill me up and do mean more to me with each passing year. Over the river we go!
Who are some people and memories of them from your early childhood that made and still make a difference to you?
I have the fortune in my life of having long term good girlfriends. When I am with a dear friend even if it has been a long time since we’ve been together, we easily pick back up right where we left off.
And, I feel like I am home again.
I’ve been gathering with a group of women I once worked with for over 20 years! We’ve celebrated marriages, babies and grand babies, retirements, and birthdays. We’ve provided support through the storms in one another s lives too. We’ve laughed and cried together. We can be silly and serious. We can just be who were are and be loved for it—no matter what.
Women know women in ways men simply can’t do.
It saddens me when I hear a woman say she hasn’t any girlfriends or that her experience with other women hasn’t been a positive one. It must be so very lonely to be in her shoes.
Women just know how to simply be with one another. We know the female experience; understand our needs and what drives us. We fulfill that deep need we all have for belonging in our relationships with other women.
Friendships with other women that span a period of time provide a stabilizing force.
It does take time and energy to cultivate and maintain friendships. I invest in me by giving this an importance. I simply can’t imagine how I would have gotten through my life including my childhood without my girlfriends.
I am richer for having had every one of my girlfriends in my life and along side me in my life’s journey.
In this season of Thanksgiving, I am very grateful for the gift of girlfriends in my life. I am thankful for and to each one of you!
Questions for women: what has your experience been with girlfriends in your life? What can you do to cultivate friendships with other women?
It is easy in our daily hustle to simply take life for granted. It is important that we have this holiday to be reflective and open our hearts to realize what we have been given.
There is tremendous benefit recognizing what we have rather than focusing on what is missing. I have a choice which direction I look.
Our dinner table will be minus one key family member for the second Thanksgiving. I am grateful to have the others who will sit at that table yet in my life to enjoy. I savor all the memories I have of holidays past with my dad present at the dinner table.
I have much to be grateful for:
… for the memories of other family members who once shared in the Thanksgiving table as well. Family is important to me.
… for dear friends and family, three sweet cats and a wonderful husband. I know I am loved. I know I make a difference, too.
… for having interests and hobbies that provide me creative outlets.
… for having learned life skills through my parents teaching and example that have served me well.
… for work that is meaningful and of service to others, and provides me with a roof over my head and a full belly too.
… for the safe, serene area I live in that nourishes my spirit.
… for having people in my life I can count on in various ways. I can ask for help when I need it.
… for both my laughter and my tears. I am richer for every single one I’ve expressed.
I am grateful to have lived enough of life to know I don’t and won’t ever have it all together. It’s ok finally to be just who I am.
I know life isn’t perfect for anyone, including me. We all carry burdens. We all experience hardships. I’m grateful for all I’ve learned through mine. I’ve grown because of them.
There is abundance in life and mine is over flowing…thanks…giving. I am honored to receive so very much!
What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving?
Old Man Winter returned this week after a seemingly very short 6 month reprieve. Yesterday I was out driving in it, trudging around in the snow and not any too happy about that reality either.
It fascinates me to learn where some of our words and phrases originate.
According to Samantha-Rue Tuthill, AccuWeather staff writer, “Personifications of the season, such as Jack Frost and Old Man Winter, are symbolically credited for the incoming storms and chill of winter, as humanity’s fascination with weather has been ingrained in storytelling, religion and mythology for centuries.”
In climates that experienced drastic seasonal changes winter she says it was a difficult time to find food and survive the elements. For cultures who credited aspects of their lives to gods and goddesses, winter was a time to appease them in order to ensure survival and the return of spring.
“As time progressed, stories of ancient gods of winter began to transform into new personifications of the season. The old gods riding across lands on icy winds transformed to the more modern adaptations, such as Old Man Winter, or Russia’s Father Frost. These personifications have become colloquialisms for the winter season, evolving from old world religious roots to figures in literature and pop culture.” (Where Did Old Man Winter, Jack Frost Come From; December 20, 2013; AccuWeather)
I was rather cranky yesterday anticipating another long, snowy, cold, driving slow again, Old Man Winter that arrived way too soon for my preference. How I am to survive it without loathing every minute of it?
Silly isn’t it wondering how to survive it with all the conveniences I have to see me through from warm jackets and boots to the heat in the house over my head. The only hunting I need to do is for bargains at the grocery store to fill my belly full. I am certain spring will arrive next March and my world will once again be alive with color.
My life is far from my ancient roots. Yet my thinking is about survival.
Charlotte Joko Beck, Nothing Special Living Zen, reminds me that “we have to face everything”.
“From birth to death, we’re caught in this swirling of winds which is really what life is: an enormous energy, moving and changing,’ Beck states. (Pg. 68)
“Life is not a safe space. It never was, and it never will be. If we’ve hit the eye of the hurricane (a safe zone) for a year or two, it still cannot be counted on. There is no safe space, not for our money, not for ourselves, not for those we love.” (Pg. 71)
The more time I spend trying to protect or insulate myself from this life that changes, the more stress I feel. The more stress I feel the more miserable I am and the less I really experience life too.
To really be alive and not just survive, I do have to face everything including the white snow that has blanketed my yard. It does bring gifts to me if I open my mind to the experience of it.
What are do you want to not face right now in your life?
