Phone: 616-217-9489 | eMail: jude@midlifetoolsforliving.com
JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC
Tis that time of year when the world falls in love…so says that song I hear in my head. We carry with us many expectations this time of year that so often don’t meet up with reality.
It is the difference between what actually is and what we hope, want, yearn for, believe is supposed to happen that creates our suffering any time of year and especially this time of year.
By this midlife time of life, we’ve come to know loss and our holiday gatherings are missing people who once shared in our lives. Their memory remains ever present in our hearts. And we miss them.
We can be kind and gentle with ourselves this holiday season as we recognize and accept rather than stuff our feelings of grief.
We can purposefully give ourselves time and space to shed our tears. We can remember the reality that loss is a part of life itself and learn to negotiate our way straight through the pain that loss brings. This is how we heal.
By this midlife time of life, we’ve experienced numerous family gatherings that bring forth an array of dynamics, challenges and emotions.
We can learn to accept our not so picture perfect family.
We don’t have control of anyone but ourselves. We can focus on our own emotional reactions and behaviors by observing our thoughts and judgments and make a conscious choice about how we want to behave. Keeping focus on our own self is a powerful gift we give to not only to ourselves but to our loved ones as well.
By this midlife time of life, we are beginning to take a bit longer to get things done. This is just the way it is. We can acknowledge that we have limited energy and pick and choose where to place the energy that we do have.
We can let go of the expectations we have created for what our holiday experience “should” look or be like.
We can let it be good enough and stop our grasps for a perfection that doesn’t really exist. We can use our senses to be more fully present in the moment we are in and experience simple pleasures we so readily over look.
We can with conscious intentional practice learn to live life on life’s terms rather than through the expectations we carry that cloud our minds and heavy our hearts. In doing so we free ourselves from suffering and experience a joy that only the acceptance of what is can bring.
What will you make intentional practice of accepting this holiday season?
It’s that time of year when we work so hard to find that perfect gift for those special people in our lives. It is work too! We ponder each person, consider what they might enjoy, go in search of finding it, wrap it up all pretty, and deliver it.
When we watch someone experience receiving our gift, we are able to witness the payoff of gift giving first hand. We are thanked in their reactions. We feel good.
Giving to others is a gift that we give to ourselves.
It is a pleasurable, rewarding, feel good experience to give. A simple smile from the receiver tells it all. Our gift has brought some joy. We’ve made a difference.
It warms our heart to give.
There are many gifts that are not purchasable that feel good to both give and receive. We can with intention remember to include them in our holiday gift giving fare:
…the gift of tolerance for those whose lives are vastly different than my own
…the gift of understanding that not every one thinks as I do
…the gift of time to listen
…the gift of telling someone that I care
…the gift of patience for those around me as
…the gift of acknowledging and letting go of my judgments of others
…the gift of a smile
…the gift of recognizing the efforts another puts forth
…the gift of kindness towards a stranger
…the gift of love
…the gift of openness in my attitudes and in my heart
…the gift of sharing of myself with others
…the gift of a hug
…the gift of being grateful for the people in our lives and telling them so
…the gift of managing my emotional reactions in healthy ways
…the gift of a peaceful heart
These are just of few of the gifts that money can’t buy yet make a huge difference in our lives and in the lives of those around us. These gifts involve work on our part. They may not be easy to give or so easy for us to acknowledge our effort to give them. Yet the rewards for giving the gifts that money can’t buy are vastly fulfilling.
In the midst of our holiday preparations we can pause, be reflective and remember to intentionally give focus to these gifts that have far longer lasting impact than any of the store bought items we so hope will bring joy.
What gifts do you hope to impart in the world around you this holiday season?
One of my fond memories from childhood is listening to a Chipmunk Christmas record at my grandparent’s home.
The rather obnoxious Christmas, Christmas Don’t Be Late song has come to be a favorite of mine. I play, sing and force my husband to listen to it each year when we cut our Christmas tree. It is a tradition, firmly entrenched into our holiday experience.
Several years ago during a very challenging time in my life as fate would have it, I happened upon the first of the new animated Chipmunk movies while it was on TV. This movie brought me wonderful joy and laughter at a time I needed it the most too.
These little critters are so real and the story lines and music are delightful. Yes, I am an obsessed fan. I own all three movies and sound tracks and have a collection of Chipmunk items proudly on display!
It has been good therapy for my soul to watch the movies and also to listen to their music and sing along. Alvin, Simon and Theodore make me laugh and frankly have gotten me through some really rough times. To the movie creators I am most grateful!
The holiday after my father died was a very hard one for my family.
We changed up or normal venue. My husband and I hosted family at our house.
It was an emotional experience for me when we went out to cut our tree. In tears I listened to that Chipmunk song as we drove home with it. I just could not open the boxes of ornaments we’ve collected over the yearsas it seemed way too emotionally heavy to do.
The tree sat for a week with only lights strung on it.
My favorite line in the Chipmunk movies comes in the first movie when my dear little Theodore spots a basket and jumps into it to escape from being trampled. He says: “Oooh muffins” in his cute little fill up my tummy way as he lands into a pile of them inside the basket.
I was given an inspirational idea after our tree sat naked for so long: adorn it in Chipmunk fashion. So, I baked up a batch of mini gingerbread muffins wrapped them up and hung them on the tree. I donned the tree top with a red construction paper star with a big yellow A in the middle and put my beanie baby Chipmunk and Chipette characters in the branches.
Going into the holiday I knew that is was important to keep the mood as light as possible.
My Chipmunk tree made me smile each time I looked at it rather than cry thinking of the absence of my dad that first holiday without him. My family smiled too.
To Alvin and the boys I owe much gratitude…Christmas wasn’t late last year nor was it only full of painful reminders of our loss.
What brings you smile therapy when you need it the most?
A long time ago in a far away place, namely kindergarten I learned the only song I associate with Thanksgiving and these are the only lines I recall of it:
“Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go.
The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the bright and drifting snow, oh!”
I have a fond memory of learning that song. I can see a snow cover play area outside the windows of the classroom and a piano in the room with us. It is a warm cozy feeling in my memory being in that classroom.
I also think of my father’s mother when my mind drifts back to that song. We lived next door to her at that time of my life. She lived on the family farm. There were horses on the farm before I was born and I heard stories as grandma and my dad loved to tell them. Perhaps that is why I think of grandma as well when I remember that song.
I also associate oatmeal and dipping buttered toast in it with my grandmother. It warms my heart consuming it yet to this day because I think of her and remember eating it in the farm house kitchen.
Memories are powerful. They can take us to all kinds of places and all sorts of emotional states can be evoked in an instant.
We can pull forward memories to comfort us in times of distress.
I am grateful for those simpler times in my life now etched in my memory and for those people who helped create those special moments for me.
Mrs. Colby was my kindergarten teacher. She made a difference to me. I wrote to her from the time I was in junior high until she died. She wrote me back too.
This is the time of year when we step back and think of those people who’ve been there for us and with us during our lifetime. We remain connected to them through our memories and gratefulness for all they’ve provided to us, even if they are no longer living.
Oh those wonderful memories fill me up and do mean more to me with each passing year. Over the river we go!
Who are some people and memories of them from your early childhood that made and still make a difference to you?
I have the fortune in my life of having long term good girlfriends. When I am with a dear friend even if it has been a long time since we’ve been together, we easily pick back up right where we left off.
And, I feel like I am home again.
I’ve been gathering with a group of women I once worked with for over 20 years! We’ve celebrated marriages, babies and grand babies, retirements, and birthdays. We’ve provided support through the storms in one another s lives too. We’ve laughed and cried together. We can be silly and serious. We can just be who were are and be loved for it—no matter what.
Women know women in ways men simply can’t do.
It saddens me when I hear a woman say she hasn’t any girlfriends or that her experience with other women hasn’t been a positive one. It must be so very lonely to be in her shoes.
Women just know how to simply be with one another. We know the female experience; understand our needs and what drives us. We fulfill that deep need we all have for belonging in our relationships with other women.
Friendships with other women that span a period of time provide a stabilizing force.
It does take time and energy to cultivate and maintain friendships. I invest in me by giving this an importance. I simply can’t imagine how I would have gotten through my life including my childhood without my girlfriends.
I am richer for having had every one of my girlfriends in my life and along side me in my life’s journey.
In this season of Thanksgiving, I am very grateful for the gift of girlfriends in my life. I am thankful for and to each one of you!
Questions for women: what has your experience been with girlfriends in your life? What can you do to cultivate friendships with other women?
It is easy in our daily hustle to simply take life for granted. It is important that we have this holiday to be reflective and open our hearts to realize what we have been given.
There is tremendous benefit recognizing what we have rather than focusing on what is missing. I have a choice which direction I look.
Our dinner table will be minus one key family member for the second Thanksgiving. I am grateful to have the others who will sit at that table yet in my life to enjoy. I savor all the memories I have of holidays past with my dad present at the dinner table.
I have much to be grateful for:
… for the memories of other family members who once shared in the Thanksgiving table as well. Family is important to me.
… for dear friends and family, three sweet cats and a wonderful husband. I know I am loved. I know I make a difference, too.
… for having interests and hobbies that provide me creative outlets.
… for having learned life skills through my parents teaching and example that have served me well.
… for work that is meaningful and of service to others, and provides me with a roof over my head and a full belly too.
… for the safe, serene area I live in that nourishes my spirit.
… for having people in my life I can count on in various ways. I can ask for help when I need it.
… for both my laughter and my tears. I am richer for every single one I’ve expressed.
I am grateful to have lived enough of life to know I don’t and won’t ever have it all together. It’s ok finally to be just who I am.
I know life isn’t perfect for anyone, including me. We all carry burdens. We all experience hardships. I’m grateful for all I’ve learned through mine. I’ve grown because of them.
There is abundance in life and mine is over flowing…thanks…giving. I am honored to receive so very much!
What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving?
Old Man Winter returned this week after a seemingly very short 6 month reprieve. Yesterday I was out driving in it, trudging around in the snow and not any too happy about that reality either.
It fascinates me to learn where some of our words and phrases originate.
According to Samantha-Rue Tuthill, AccuWeather staff writer, “Personifications of the season, such as Jack Frost and Old Man Winter, are symbolically credited for the incoming storms and chill of winter, as humanity’s fascination with weather has been ingrained in storytelling, religion and mythology for centuries.”
In climates that experienced drastic seasonal changes winter she says it was a difficult time to find food and survive the elements. For cultures who credited aspects of their lives to gods and goddesses, winter was a time to appease them in order to ensure survival and the return of spring.
“As time progressed, stories of ancient gods of winter began to transform into new personifications of the season. The old gods riding across lands on icy winds transformed to the more modern adaptations, such as Old Man Winter, or Russia’s Father Frost. These personifications have become colloquialisms for the winter season, evolving from old world religious roots to figures in literature and pop culture.” (Where Did Old Man Winter, Jack Frost Come From; December 20, 2013; AccuWeather)
I was rather cranky yesterday anticipating another long, snowy, cold, driving slow again, Old Man Winter that arrived way too soon for my preference. How I am to survive it without loathing every minute of it?
Silly isn’t it wondering how to survive it with all the conveniences I have to see me through from warm jackets and boots to the heat in the house over my head. The only hunting I need to do is for bargains at the grocery store to fill my belly full. I am certain spring will arrive next March and my world will once again be alive with color.
My life is far from my ancient roots. Yet my thinking is about survival.
Charlotte Joko Beck, Nothing Special Living Zen, reminds me that “we have to face everything”.
“From birth to death, we’re caught in this swirling of winds which is really what life is: an enormous energy, moving and changing,’ Beck states. (Pg. 68)
“Life is not a safe space. It never was, and it never will be. If we’ve hit the eye of the hurricane (a safe zone) for a year or two, it still cannot be counted on. There is no safe space, not for our money, not for ourselves, not for those we love.” (Pg. 71)
The more time I spend trying to protect or insulate myself from this life that changes, the more stress I feel. The more stress I feel the more miserable I am and the less I really experience life too.
To really be alive and not just survive, I do have to face everything including the white snow that has blanketed my yard. It does bring gifts to me if I open my mind to the experience of it.
What are do you want to not face right now in your life?
My mom invented this wonderful tomato macaroni and cheese dish when I was a kid that she would bake up for supper. It is a fond favorite of mine and also for my sister.
Mom baked some up the other night for me during my visit. And yum! Savoring the taste brought back fond memories as it filled my tummy full. She topped dinner off with the “best in the world” apple pie that she bakes too. I was in gastronomical heaven!
Food has such a way of imprinting our memory and bringing us back home.
As we move into this holiday season we will be remembering holiday’s of the past as we ready ourselves for this season’s memories in the making. Much of those memories will involve foods we delight in serving and savoring with those we love the most.
Certain foods just wouldn’t be right to miss experiencing in any given holiday season. There are those favorite pies that just have to be made for Thanksgiving and favorite cookies for Christmas to bake and enjoy. Oh, and then there is that green bean casserole that is a must to put on the table too.
As I write this my mind is transported to times I enjoyed those very taste sensations. And I am back home again in my memory. It feels safe and warm.
Not only the food but also those fond memories nourish our body and spirit.
Our memory is a tool we can use to provide us comfort. A hot cup of tea and an afghan can provide this too.
We need to nourish our spirits as much as we need to give our body nourishment to sustain our lives.
As we enter this up coming season it can be challenging to get ‘er all done, let alone find time and energy to relax and comfort our spirit. However, we can make the choice to pause, reflect and allow ourselves to breathe if we make an intention to do so each day. This could be the best gift we receive this season and one that no one else can give to us. We can learn to bring ourselves back home.
What memories bring you back home and nourish your spirit?
Since my dad died I have noticed myself reflecting back on various times of my life in a way that I have not done before. These memories serve various purposes so does my reflection into them one being the important function of comfort. It is interesting just how much comfort they bring actually—peacefulness comes over me as I look back.
My memories are such a gift—don’t think I’ve appreciated this before now.
Several weeks ago I had the opportunity over coffee with a friend to recall some fond memories of my past. That conversation took me to re-read a book that I read when I was 16 or 17: The Undiscovered Self by Carl Jung.
I had underlined lots in that book as a teen and I was pleased to see those same passages to be of importance yet at this age. That book has influenced me a great deal more than I’d ever realized.
Our life is definitely a sum of all that has come before us.
When I was in my 20’s I recall a conversation I had with a middle age family friend who was struggling with something that had happened to him. I remember saying clearly at such a young age that all I was on that day was based upon all that had happened to me before that day. I also recall having said that I wouldn’t be who I am and know what I know without having had all those experiences as well.
Such a wise young woman I was to know that with such little life experience under my belt at that time too!
There have been other crystal clear moments of knowing this fact along my life’s path too. Many of those times have been when I was facing a difficult passage in my life’s journey.
It seems at those times there is a wise voice inside that I know is helping to guide me. I am learning to pay up better attention to this wise voice as I get older too.
During that conversation over coffee with my friend I recalled thoughts of ice skating and my dreams of being Peggy Fleming the second—made me smile. I was inspired to pick up my Jung book still treasured and on my book shelf and poked my nose into it once again.
And, as I read it I realize yet again that my past has in deed shaped me to be all who I am in this very moment! Ain’t life grand!
What experiences and books have been influential to you along your life’s journey?
It is a gorgeous sunny fall morning. The trees are glowing with color on our street as the sun illuminates their leaves. Most of the trees near us are boasting my very favorite color: yellow. How can I not enjoy that!
I am fortunate to live in a wooded area out a bit from town. We chose this space to purposefully be nestled in the woods. My surroundings have always been important to me.
The outdoors is where I can most easily center myself.
My husband and I enjoyed a long walk in the woods yesterday at a state park an hour and a half north in a community we once lived. It has been a place we have gravitated to since very early in our relationship. It feels a bit like home there.
In the many journeys’ our lives have traversed, we’ve found ourselves going back there for a bit of respite. It could be for an afternoon on the shores of Lake Michigan, a long walk on the trails in the woods or a weekend camping trip. That is where many of our conversations involving questions about the future, thoughts about life challenges and obstacles, and celebrations of surviving difficult times have taken place.
There is a comfort having those conversations in the midst of tranquil surroundings.
The colors of fall are a gift to enjoy and to be grateful for too. There is beauty in every season when we allow ourselves the opportunity to pause and reflect and soak it in.
There are gifts to enjoy and be grateful for in every season of our lives as well.
Having weathered through many life seasons, challenges, and celebrations we know in this midlife that life goes on and we do too. We have experience to draw on and know so more about ourselves. We recognize more readily that things work out just as they are meant to do. We’ve learned so much about life.
Our lives have rich illuminating color in this fall season of our life! I am grateful for every one of those rich colors too!
What gifts are you grateful for in this fall season of your life?
For a good portion of my life I’ve fought with life when it didn’t match with what I wanted. I demanded in my own head that other people change or wanted a situation to be different insisting only then could I be content. In doing this, I created internal tension for myself.
Life is what it is, so are people.
My thinking errors set me up for unhappiness. The only one I have control over is me.
I have found a few books that have helped inspire me on my journey. The one I am re-reading currently for the umpteen time is by Charlotte Joko Beck, Nothing Special Living Zen.
“If we are totally what we are, in every second, we begin to experience life as joy”, Beck says.
I don’t really like it when fall turns to grey dreary days and yet when I look deeper into those grey clouds I see rich shades of color outlines and shadows. And against that darker back ground the orange, red, yellow, green trees are more vibrant and light up the landscape. Without this season change and all it brings I would miss this rich experience.
Whether I like what is happening or not, life goes on either way.
When I remain open, accepting and grateful of all that is, I see so much more in the world around me. This brings contentment and peace for I am connecting to and not separating myself from that which is.
Over time I am learning how to better relax into what is and more about that joy that Ms. Beck speaks of. I keep practicing and I keep learning. Life is full of opportunity for that!
How do you fight with what is?
“Grief calls us to open our heart in hell” according to Stephen Levine who works with the grieving.
For the last couple of weeks, I found myself to be out of sorts, kind of cranky and impatient at times, very sad and more tearful than I have been, and in need at moments of being left alone. A part of me has just wanted to sit someplace and stare.
The night before the anniversary of my dad’s death, I was taken-a-back a moment at the dinner table when I looked at my sister, mom and Uncle and painfully realized that my dad was missing. It didn’t seem right. It took my breath away. A part of me had been waiting for him to come back home.
I don’t recall having had that kind of recognition so keenly before. Our bodies have such a wonderful way of providing a numbing anesthesia at the onset of a loss which gradually subsides as time marches forward.
I know my grief is far from over and I won’t ever have that work finished. Our grief is a way we honor the relationship we have had with the person we have lost along side honoring our own selves and our feelings and needs.
I write in a journal which has been a helpful tool for me for years. It helps not only to write but to look back on what I’ve written.
My pain last fall was raw and new. Since then it has become more familiar. This loss will be with me forever and is what I will be working to integrate into who I am. I will be learning more of what this loss means to and for me as my life moves forward.
A loss anniversary is an opportunities to pause, to honor and to work on our grief yet more.
What are you learning in your grief work?.
Do Contact Me
Grief Therapy can help work through the pain of loss anniversaries.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
