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JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC
For a good portion of my life I’ve fought with life when it didn’t match with what I wanted. I demanded in my own head that other people change or wanted a situation to be different insisting only then could I be content. In doing this, I created internal tension for myself.
Life is what it is, so are people.
My thinking errors set me up for unhappiness. The only one I have control over is me.
I have found a few books that have helped inspire me on my journey. The one I am re-reading currently for the umpteen time is by Charlotte Joko Beck, Nothing Special Living Zen.
“If we are totally what we are, in every second, we begin to experience life as joy”, Beck says.
I don’t really like it when fall turns to grey dreary days and yet when I look deeper into those grey clouds I see rich shades of color outlines and shadows. And against that darker back ground the orange, red, yellow, green trees are more vibrant and light up the landscape. Without this season change and all it brings I would miss this rich experience.
Whether I like what is happening or not, life goes on either way.
When I remain open, accepting and grateful of all that is, I see so much more in the world around me. This brings contentment and peace for I am connecting to and not separating myself from that which is.
Over time I am learning how to better relax into what is and more about that joy that Ms. Beck speaks of. I keep practicing and I keep learning. Life is full of opportunity for that!
How do you fight with what is?
“Grief calls us to open our heart in hell” according to Stephen Levine who works with the grieving.
For the last couple of weeks, I found myself to be out of sorts, kind of cranky and impatient at times, very sad and more tearful than I have been, and in need at moments of being left alone. A part of me has just wanted to sit someplace and stare.
The night before the anniversary of my dad’s death, I was taken-a-back a moment at the dinner table when I looked at my sister, mom and Uncle and painfully realized that my dad was missing. It didn’t seem right. It took my breath away. A part of me had been waiting for him to come back home.
I don’t recall having had that kind of recognition so keenly before. Our bodies have such a wonderful way of providing a numbing anesthesia at the onset of a loss which gradually subsides as time marches forward.
I know my grief is far from over and I won’t ever have that work finished. Our grief is a way we honor the relationship we have had with the person we have lost along side honoring our own selves and our feelings and needs.
I write in a journal which has been a helpful tool for me for years. It helps not only to write but to look back on what I’ve written.
My pain last fall was raw and new. Since then it has become more familiar. This loss will be with me forever and is what I will be working to integrate into who I am. I will be learning more of what this loss means to and for me as my life moves forward.
A loss anniversary is an opportunities to pause, to honor and to work on our grief yet more.
What are you learning in your grief work?.
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Grief Therapy can help work through the pain of loss anniversaries.
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Dear Dad-
A year ago today I never imagined upon seeing you safely home after your surgery that it would be the very last time I would ever be able to talk with you. I never dreamed that five days later I’d be back in time to be with you as you took your very last breath.
It has been a sad day, gloomy inside and out today. I miss you. I miss hearing your stories of the past and your laugh. I miss getting a hug from you.
It still is so very hard to believe some moments that you have died. I wish it weren’t true. I wish I could go back in time and have you in my life all over again. I wish I could savor every single moment I had with you knowing now what it is like that you are gone.
I have a few special things you gave me sitting on my dresser—a chocolate filled teddy bear, a valentine kitty cat, the cat doll you so proudly found and brought back from a trip after your stroke. These gifts mean so much more to me now than they even did the days you gave them to me.
I still have that big black and white teddy bear you gave me as a baby sitting proudly on a chair. I know I was loved by you. I am grateful for all the ways I could count on you and all you gave to me.
I’ve learned much going through this last year without you. I know what it is like to lose a parent. In ways the anticipation was worse than the actual event.
I know what it is like to sit with someone as they go about the process of dying. I was somehow able to find the strength to tell you it was ok for you to go. I know in my heart it was your time. I’ve been able to let go of some of my need for control.
I know it is important to pay up attention to the moments that we have in life and to enjoy the people who matter the most to us for we just never never know when the very last day we have with them will be.
Thank you for being such a good dad to me!
I love you-
Jude
Do Contact Me
Grief Therapy can help you explore tools to work through the pain grief brings.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
My dear little cat Dunkin has a tenacious way of getting her needs met. When she wants attention she will not give up pestering us for head rubs or one on one play with her. And she does it in such ways that it is difficult not to give her that badly needed attention.
It occurs to me that Dunkin is not unlike other aspects of life that reach out and grab hold in need of my attention. I am however not always so readily willing to provide my attention to what is reaching for it. And generally when this happens life does not go so well.
This includes when Dunkin has needs that get ignored for longer than she wants them too—I get to pick up things she pushes off counters or tables or might even get a finger bit.
Probably since I was injured as a preteen doing hand stands in the front yard, I have had a habit of raising my right shoulder blade. I didn’t even realize I was doing that until this year when the osteophyte in my spine began causing me pain in my upper back, neck and right shoulder area, my hand started briefly going numb and I lost strength in that hand.
I’ve been doing physical therapy for months working out the kinks and training my muscles to hold my posture in ways that help rather than hurt me. I am also having that shoulder taped down to help remind me and train those muscles to not hike upwards. I like to boast I’ve found a new use for duck tape—I just have to find humor in life!
It is not easy altering years and years of habits.
Just recently I’ve wondered if part of my shoulder raising habit has been in reaction to stress as well. I think I am accurate because my intentional practice of taking breaths during the day, relaxing and noticing muscle tension have helped improve that neck, back and shoulder of mine.
Pain has a way of getting our attention in ways that is harder to ignore.
As I look backwards, I can see there have been other signals to me suggesting I needed to better learn to relax my mind and body that I have ignored over the years.
It is generally a pleasant experience playing or loving up Dunkin once I submit to her need. It certainly is better when I recognize my own unmet need and give it to myself. When I don’t pay up attention it costs me in the long run.
Dear little Dunkin I am learning so much from living live with you! Who would have thought!
What helps you pay up attention to your unmet needs?
There is only one more official day of the summer season before fall officially starts on the 23rd. It sure looks and feels like fall outside and I must say inside too. I sit in long sleeves and pants as I write. The days are getting shorter by three minutes each day so I am told. I am getting up way before the sun does now.
I did finish “Anne Of Green Gables” by L. M. Montgomery as I wanted to do before summer officially ended. This is such a delightful book and one that I so enjoy for a good summer read over and over and over again. Anne is so spirited and so much her own person. She is delightful to experience.
I have an iPhone and yesterday there was a new software update to it. I am a technology idiot as I lovingly refer to myself with a smile. I know just enough to be dangerous and not enough to figure too many things out. So, often I end up frustrated beyond reason. It is at those moments I hate technology as well as myself for knowing so little. Those are not pretty moments for me I assure you.
This morning while I was texting, which I once swore I would never do, the software updated keyboard suddenly reverted back to the old version. I had just been enjoying how it was reading my mind offering me words I could select from to add to my message, too. For the life of me I could not figure out how to fix it.
I hate that. I want so badly to figure things out for myself. When I am able to figure out a simple little problem I am rather pleased with myself too.
That didn’t happen this morning and I ended up in tears. Fortunately I have my very own personal ‘help desk’ at home and my tech savvy husband once again came to my rescue. It was through dumb luck that he fixed it but he is knowledgeable enough to be willing to hit buttons I fear could destroy mankind in doing.
Still after 20 years of using computer devices I am fearful of breaking the darn things by pushing the wrong button! Technology is not my gift.
Which brings me back to “Anne Of Green Gables” where life was without technology and I can fantasize that life was once simpler and at least for a spell I can bury myself in my illusions of yesteryear. Perhaps this is why I’ve repeatedly enjoyed this delightful summer read.
In reality I know life was not simpler at all and that I would not last long without all the modern conveniences I have at my disposal including that darn phone. I just wonder what Anne would do with an iPhone! Hummmm….
What are some of your favorite books to read over and over again? What is it that makes them so important to you?
I have a cat helper today. McAllister is sitting here with me, rubbing her chin on the screen in want of attention or food or both. And of course as cats do, she won’t cooperate easily to let me take a cute picture of her.
It is a lovely cool fall like day. We went to the Farmers Market this morning and found some local fruit and veggies as well as a rainbow in the sky. I haven’t seen one of those in awhile.
The sun this time of year is bright here in a different way then during the summer. I am sure it has to do with the angle we are at and distance from the sun itself. I want to learn more some day.
I have a list in my head of all those things I hope to learn more about when retirement finds me. I can’t imagine what that is like to have time to do as my heart desires in any given day at the pace I want to do it at too. Right now that seems so very far from the pace life seems to flow.
I know my current pace is impacted by some body parts that get sore and tired and don’t exactly work in the same way they once did. Things seem to take me longer to do. I don’t have the same amount of energy I once did either.
Unfortunately, I haven’t grasped on to that reality in my expectations of me on many days. I want to do more than I have the time and energy to do and then I get cranky and tired and it shows mostly to my husband. He has saintly patience with me. I am grateful. I am regretful too. It would be best if I could practice the art of pacing myself in line with reality more often.
In my head I am still in my 20’s in many ways. My body says differently. My experience in life says so too. I really wouldn’t like to be back in my 20’s again. I’ve learned so much since then. It is not easy to be a young adult starting out. It wasn’t when I was there back in the 70’s and 80’s. I know it is even more challenging getting started these days than it was for me. The world has changed so.
So the world and I aren’t the same. We never are the same, time and life itself changes us each and every day. This is the way of life itself.
And McAllister has moved on to find a lap for a little nap. Ah, I could learn so much more from her too!
What limits does your body have that you need to accept and accommodate into your daily life?
It feels like I’ve joined this club over the last eleven months that consists of zillions of us who have lost a parent. It is a very different sense inside not having a father in the flesh anymore. I imagine that sense is even more profound when both parents are gone—an orphan sense must come forth inside. That thought feels very sad.
My heart goes out even more keenly to those I know and will come to know who have lost a parent or both at young ages. I can’t imagine how challenging it would have been for me to have not had my dad until my 57th year of life.
There is a greater sense of the finality of life looming on the horizon of my consciousness and the reality that I am moving closer towards it for my own life’s ending is there too. I see more keenly that I am the next generation to grow old. My body is beginning to tell me this too. I don’t rest there too long in the thoughts but it does make a presence albeit fleeting.
And of course, as I do, I wrestle with all this reality. I have to work hard to radically accept that which is in my life to live it as it is. I want things my way. But I do practice by noticing my thoughts as best I can and try to be kind with my ego when she wants what she wants and not what is. Life is an everyday work in process. Accepting loss is too. And so am I!
Right now in this moment what life reality are your thoughts challenging you to accept?
Do Contact Me . With Grief Therapy we can begin to practice acceptance of our losses.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
I have fond memories of summer holidays from my childhood. My parents made them special. Mom really worked at it in the planning part and Dad went along in the work part of it. We had people over often or went places. Holidays were a time to share with others.
Labor Day memories generally involved a rainy day, at least the more memorable ones. I recall being up north bored to tears in a cabin in the rain as a teen. But then perhaps any sort of weather at that point of time would have produced boredom for my teenage self! It was far less about the weather and far more about who was missing from the experience namely any of my friends.
I also remember watching for seemingly days the Jerry Lewis Tel-a-thon…remember that?! It was on like every station and back then we only had 3 stations plus PBS. One year I got a kit from the Jerry Lewis people to raise money and recall making rather involved plans for a show for the neighborhood. It never came about but did fill hours of my summer dreaming and scheming about it.
This day officially ends the summer season of play with school starting up for some all ready and for others tomorrow. I always enjoyed the start of school. I still love to look at all the school supplies in the stores this time of year. It was so fun to get new supplies and play with them before school started. The smell of a fresh box of crayons delights me and brings back wonderful memories. Getting one of those big boxes of Crayola’s with a sharpener included was a big deal in my family that didn’t happen very often.
My fondest memories of summer in my adult life involve time spent camping or at the Lake Michigan shore. These include my dear husband. I have wonderful memories of special times being with others and quiet times with just the two of us too.
Yesterday for the first time this season we went up north to our favorite beach on Lake Michigan and sat at the shore. I so badly needed to soak up the waves and allowed them to help my body breathe once again.
And, I finally was able to see a sunset over the Lake too! It was an intention of mine to give that to myself this summer at least once. Gratefully I did just that.
I am a clinger, a hanger on-er who likes to grab hold of something and does not want to see it end. And of course that means I am wrestling in ways with this day being the official end of the summer season of play.
It is supposed to rain later today…I just may have to turn on the TV and see if I can find the Jerry Lewis Tel-a-thon for old time’s sake!
What are some special summer memories you hold close to your heart?
In my daily work as a therapist I bare witness to the pain, suffering in the life stories of the courageous people who are in my office. I am truly honored to hear these stories that are being entrusted to me.
After years of working in this field I have heard a multitude of different traumatic events and have come to know this as a gift of my work. Many days of the week I am touched deeply in this process and step back with gratitude for the life story I alone bare.
This week on the evening news I learned of a tragic incident in Arizona involving a nine year old girl and an automatic machine gun. For her family, a fun family outing involved going to a shooting range and firing weapons into the desert that a “family oriented” range offers. The man who was assisting her was shot and killed. It was an accident.
This story on the news hit me hard. I know all too well from my work that this event has altered the course of this girls life forever. She lost her innocence the moment her family walked into that place.
When I was nine I was deeply involved in playing with Barbie, spent time in the sand box, enjoyed going to amusement parks with my family, made snowman, loved to ice skate. I am most grateful for the childhood innocence and this joy I have been given. The memories are sweet to recall.
My parents made all kinds of mistakes in their job as parents. All parents do. Some mistakes of judgment our parents make have more dramatic impacts on us than others.
The parental mistaken judgment for this girl in Arizona is one that is reflective of our cultures infatuation with guns. We need to protect our children’s right to experience childhood innocence. Her parents and this business establishment did not.
People use guns for acts that by design are violent or aggressive. Guns are made to hurt and kill people and animals and these are acts of aggression or violence. There are times when guns are required to be a part of someone’s life experience and when aggression and violent acts are required to sustain life itself.
Guns are not toys. To pretend by “playing” with a gun creates a false understanding of the power and respect that one needs to have of such a weapon.
According to The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence:
-Everyday on average 45 people are shot or killed in an accident with a gun
-One in three people in the US know someone who has been shot
-In 2007, more pre-school-aged children (85) were killed by guns than police officers were killed in the line of duty
-More than one in five U.S. teenagers (ages 14 to 17) report having witnessed a shooting
-The lifetime medical cost for all gun violence victims in the United States is estimated at $2.3 billion, with almost half the costs borne by taxpayers
These are only a few of the staggering impacts that gun violence has on our culture. That little girl in Arizona will never be the same. We can add her trauma and a life time of guilt, nightmares, anxiety she and her parents will endure to those statistics.
This senseless violent act could be prevented in the future if we as a culture stop insisting that the second amendment is still a right we must carry into our daily lives and realize that the right to life itself is above all most important. I believe that was the true reason for our founding fathers placement of the second amendment into our Nations constitution. We were fighting for a new life itself at that time of our history.
At this time however in our Nation’s history, we can make a choice to turn our attention to a fight for the right to not bare witness to death and violence in our own backyards, give our children back the childhood innocence they need and deserve, and live life in peace. Will you join with me?
What can you do in your daily life to speak out about your right to live your life in peace and protect your children’s right to a childhood of innocence?
My sister took tons of pictures of my parents that visit which isn’t something she ever did in the past either. She even did a short video of dad and her singing a fun tune. Interesting isn’t it!
A dear friend of mine had a hydrangea plant in her yard she wanted to get rid of and gave it to me to give to my mom. I took it over that weekend and all four of us planted it together. That is one of the very last experiences we had together as a family and a very special memory to hold.
As this month has wound its way towards the middle and on to the end, my mind and body are remembering a year ago. It was a time of concern and uneasiness as my dad’s surgery loomed on the horizon.
I find myself missing my dad, feeling sad, being more tearful and out of sorts than I’ve been too. I don’t have as much patience as I normally do either and I tire more readily.
I know this is all a part of the process of grieving. I also know it is important to give myself quiet down time to allow all that needs to come forth do just that.
There is a wonderful little book my mom received from a friend called “Grief Therapy” by Karen Katafiasz and published by Abby Press. I picked up a copy. It has short verse like meditations in it that are packed with wisdom and sweet illustrations that warm my heart. I looked at it initially after my dad died and have found myself picking it up once again.
It is interesting how some ten months later it can still feel unbelievable that it happened! That span of time is only momentary but it does still happen to me.
My mom is in the process of letting go of my dad’s things from his clothes to his tools. I find myself in turmoil over this action. In ways I want so for things to be the same. For moments it feels almost cruel too, as though she is getting rid of him! It feels too soon to me. I do not want to see the empty spaces where he once lived. That reality is incredibly sad.
I can’t imagine just how painful it must be for my mom to live amongst his things and have to let them all go and face those empty spaces. Her courage is amazing.
So, for today as Ms. Katafiasz suggests that I do, I am respecting the power that my grief has, recognizing the surprising ways it is affecting me and trying to be gentle with myself. Grieving is hard work to do!
What are some experiences and feelings you are working to accept?
Contact Me to get started with Grief Therapy today!
As the summer winds its way I am more able to wind down too. August has typically been the month I think of for me to relax. May, June and July are full of family events, and gardening work that typically fills my free time.
This morning as I wandered down the street I soaked up the sun, took in the sweet smelling morning air, marveled at the pretty wild flowers blooming on the side of the road. I took time to smell the beautiful star gazer lilies in my front yard that are in full bloom. Their color is stunning and their scent is heaven sent.
I love my yard in the spring with the color that arrives after the long drought of winter. I’ve come to appreciate those star gazers and the gifts they bring to my yard. They’ve added a flower to look forward to experiencing this time of the summer season. And, in my typical fashion I want to cling to them as I do my spring flowers and want for them not to fade away.
It has been some time since I’ve poked my nose into my favorite meditative helper books. I’ve taken myself back to them as well this August. “Nothing Special, Living Zen” by Charlotte Joko Beck is the one I am re-reading once again. Her wisdom is amazing.
The reality of life and pain is the focus in the beginning section of this work. Pain has been my teacher as Ms. Beck notes it being. I have the want for that life and pain reality to not be a reality too. Not accepting pain has only created more struggles in my life not only for me but for those around me as well.
I can live life inside my head so easily making up scenarios and outcomes, wishing and wanting for control and, as Ms. Beck indicates, trying to avoid the pain that is just a factual part of life itself.
I know I need down times in my life. These are not simply the August months of my life when I can sit and read and rest but the emotional down times too that allow me to more openly see and experience the pain that life brings and allow for it to reveal life lessons that I so badly need to learn. A big part of which is simply the acceptance of life pain itself! Those roses after all do have a thorny side too!
What do you need to “take time to smell the roses” about in your life?
The title is a line from an old Jimmy Buffet song that my husband latched onto years back and uses when either he or I complain of our ailments. The song is referencing a morning after a night of drinking however it seems to sum up well the whine we get into complaining about what hurts.
I’ve been thinking of that tune as I wince and moan with my aches and pains and especially my morning stiffness. The joys of getting younger I say a lot with a big grin on my face too. My mother in law years back said that getting older is not for wimps and I agree whole-heartedly all ready. I shutter to think what an extra 20 years will bring!
With the added life experience and hopefully wisdom we accumulate along the way in our lives, our poor body suffers through our mistakes and follies along with us. And, things do catch up to us whether we like it our not.
I’ve been a great one for holding my stress in my body and not for not realizing it until the muscles in my upper back and shoulders had enough and screamed out in pain for me to finally get it. Changing that is a work in process.
I am doing physical therapy for arthritis in my neck. I just recently learned that when I raise my arms above my head my right shoulder goes up in a way that it should not do and causes me physical distress. This has been a long time habit that I suspect likely dates back to an injury I had as a preteen doing hand stands and cartwheels in the yard. I recall having a shoulder that was out of place and going to a chiropractor to fix it.
To change my habit is going to take some doing. All ready I have learned how to hold my shoulders down and suck in my abdomen muscles to provide my upper torso better posture support that I need so as to not be in pain. And when I am tired and not tending well to my own needs my posture sinks along side my spirit.
I choose to make time for my physical therapy exercises daily and it takes about 30 minutes to do them all. I choose to pay attention to my posture throughout the day. I go to physical therapy making time for it twice a week. I’ve seen my primary care doctor about it several times over the last few years. More or less I choose to work on it every day all day long. This is a big commitment to carry out and not always simple for me to do. It is work.
This external body change process is really a good analogy for the internal change process too. To change how I deal with my emotional habits also is about work and practice and tending to it every day all day long also. I choose to see specialists and make time and pay attention to my thoughts and emotions and actions.
I’ve decided to give to me to live healthier. I am not always so good about doing that however. So when my head hurts and my feet stink it is my body’s way of getting my attention and helping me learn to shift back my focus on me and take better care as I am out of balance once again!
How do you know when it is time to shift focus back to you?
