Phone: 616-217-9489 | eMail: jude@midlifetoolsforliving.com
JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC
A mindful judgement example: Have you noticed the cost of groceries these days? I was shocked recently with some of the prices on the shelves here in Holland, MI. And found myself worried about how young families and people on limited incomes are faring. I even started fretting about how we will make it in the future if prices keep soaring. I was predicting gloom and doom, felt anxious and unhappy.
Many times, in my judgements I am in conflict with what actually is happening. And as a result, I have an emotional reaction to what is unfolding in front of me.
Lots of times I really don’t want what is to be the way it is. I want it, things, life to be my way. My fight with what is, just as it is, causes me distress and turmoil, leaving me feeling anxious and depressed.
One practice of mindfulness is to simply pay attention to the content of our thoughts by intentionally noticing and labeling our thoughts for what they are.
When you recognize a judgement in your thinking process, gently observe in your mind that you are judging, say to yourself “judgement thought.” In doing this we actually get a little space between us and the actual thought itself. This space allows us to take a breath and decide what to do with it, even perhaps let it, the judgment go.
Isn’t it just a thought, not a fact, not something real or tangible, it’s just a thought, and a judgment thought too!
If we don’t see our thoughts for being just thoughts, they can take on a life of their own and become real. And we react emotionally to a judgement perception of reality that we have determined to be a true fact.
We have zillions of thoughts every day. Our thoughts can have power over us if we are not mindful or aware of them, recognize how they impact our lives and affect our relationships too.
Once I’ve realized I’ve made a judgement in my thinking I then can decide what to do with that mindful judgement thought. I can hang on to the judgement and go with it further in my thinking and react with the judgement in my mind. Or I can be curious about that judgement itself, explore where it comes from and just how valid it is. And decide whether to keep it, change what needs changing so I can live with more peace inside.
My grocery price example: I have a choice to make–accept that grocery prices go up and I really can’t change that and adjust my budget and menu to accommodate that fact. Or quit eating and starve. Or be frustrated and worried every time I go to the store predicting a future filled with doom and gloom.
The decision: Life it too short not to have peace in my mind as well as my favorite foods on the table to enjoy. I’ll adjust my menu a bit, set aside more food money in my budget and cut back on somethings I really can live without.
What judging thoughts do you notice occurring in your mind right now?
Do Contact Me if you notice that your judgement thoughts are creating too much distress and turmoil in your life! With anxiety therapy, depression therapy mindfulness tools can help make a difference.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
In this happy heart month of February not everyone has a happy heart to share with others. This is a challenging time for many of us for all kinds of reasons. It is an opportune time for some good care taking.
Care taking and bearing witness to suffering of any kind is in itself very painful. I am reminded of that from the blog post 7/17/14, “Let me kiss it and make it all better” which still rings true for me today.
Back then I wrote: “It is painful to watch someone we love struggle through a hard time—it just is. We want to soothe away their distress and calm their fear and worries, but we can’t kiss it and make it all better.”
But as I wrote in 2014: “We can offer support, reassurance and love but we don’t have the power to make the wound go away. And even if we did, the life lessons to be gained from the challenges they face would be lost.”
Actually, we would be doing our loved one more harm than good if we cleared their slate and wiped it all away.
I’ve found it to be true for me in my life. As I noted in 2014: “I know I’ve learned so much from working through the really hard realities of my own inner turmoil”. I do know I would not be who I am today if I had not done all the hard work to be here, to have learned all it’s taken to get here.
“To give that struggle to those we love by simply hearing of it however, takes courage. It is painful to stand alongside someone and simply offer support and comfort.”
Yet that is what we all need on our life journey. The support and comfort we receive from another human being brings us connection. It is the connection that we need. We are not so alone. We learn we are not the only one. This is care taking at its finest.
When we muster the courage to share that inner most pain with someone we trust we begin to heal the wound. We do the work. And we learn and grow. Our resilience and strength grow too.
Care taking of ourselves is hard work. Facing pain from wounds takes courage. We might want to avoid the pain, wish it away, drink ourselves numb to it, or try to stuff it deep down inside. But until we take care of ourselves and face it and work through it, the wound in our heart remains wide open.
Validating our own experience can be a place to start. Writing in a journal or writing a letter to yourself can help you give words to legitimize the pain in your heart and start to face the wounds you carry.
Finding a trusted person to connect with and share of your pain can help your healing journey. Someone you can be open and honest with, who will accept you and validate your feelings and experiences. Someone who will offer support, reassurance and care.
Sometimes in care taking of ourselves it can be useful to give ourselves the opportunity to engage in professional therapy/counseling. This is especially important if we experience symptoms that truly interfere in our daily functioning.
Do remember that you can indeed do whatever it takes to help your wounded heart heal! And importantly, you deserve to do good care taking of you too!
In your care taking Do Contact Me to begin Depression Therapy, Anxiety Therapy, PTSD Treatment, Substance Abuse Treatment, Grief Therapy to help your wounded heart heal!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
Photo by Steve Johnson: Pexels
Back on 12/31/2017 I published a blog post titled ‘Imagine’ that seems unfortunately to sum up my current state of being:
“I feel rather demoralized when I turn on the news and watch the systematic decline of the nation’s progress towards equality, inclusion and respect for human decency unfolding in front of my eyes.
It’s been an ugly time that I’ve been at odds with and fought fiercely against in my mind. And, just when I thought that perhaps, just perhaps some progress was being made towards a healthier future for us all, the rug was yanked out from underneath me. I didn’t see it coming. I’ve lost my balance. I’ve felt genuinely lost too.
I keep wondering how we’ve come to be in this place at this point in time having not learned from past historical mistakes that we appear to be repeating.
Maybe it’s a fear of change, of lost position, power and privilege for some and a fear of scarcity this change could bring that fuels a drive to hold on to a past way of life and thinking that is old, self-serving and out dated.
This is a sad reality to me. Beneath my outrage a deep sadness flows. I’d thought better of us as a nation.
It is our need for love and the connections we make with others that allows us to best cope with the vulnerability our very human experience brings for each one of us. We really don’t do so well when we try to go it alone in life whether as an individual or as a nation. People can end up bullying others to pump up their very fragile shame filled ego. We see this being played out on our national stage.”
As that year 2017 wound down the “Me Too” movement began to gain momentum and true leaders in our country were speaking out for climate change action promising to honor the Paris Accord regardless of what our elected officials wanted. It felt like there was some hope for forward movement rather than backward decline.
I can’t. And here I am once again sitting stunned, absolutely stunned, too shocked and dumbfounded to even get all worked up in outrage. Yet, that is. I suspect outrage is coming my way before too long.
I just never imagined I’d be here again grieving a huge loss sitting in the shock part of the grief process. It’s the loss of that hope we as a nation were going to learn and do better. A hope instilled in me from my childhood, as I wrote in 2017:
“I grew up with the lyrics of Beatle, John Lennon’s song “Imagine” in my mind and obviously in my heart too. It must have influenced me more that I realize.
“…imagine all the people living for today, imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do, nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too, imagine all the people living life in peace…no need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man, imagine all the people sharing all the world…you may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…”
I’d like to think the Mr. Lennon and I are not the only ones. I’d like to think that us dreamers who imagine living in a peaceful world will rally together. And we build a strong collective voice to challenge and find a path to unify this fragmented, deeply divided and disenchanted nation of ours. Future generations need us to. I fear for them if we don’t.
It’s very important to pull out all those good coping tools that we have and put them in high gear use. I’m writing this for my benefit too not just yours! Practice what I preach time.
Tools like: get good sleep, eat healthy foods, move your body—go for a walk and stretch your body, limit news consumption, write in a journal, set aside time to meditate, be mindfully present taking one day at a time, connect with friends and family. Just to name a few.
Remember that this is a very stressful time so be kind with yourself. You are not the only one struggling with this nation’s current state.
I stumbled on a wonderful website that offers words of wisdom and specific coping strategies for women who are really struggling with trauma like reactions to our current political climate.
https://wisdom.aspaceforwisewomen.com/the-power-of-wise-peaceful-warriors/
I do encourage you to take the time to explore the wisdom Sarah Coffman offers.
If you should find yourself struggling with much too much worry or very dark depressed moods or intense trauma reactions do reach out and begin therapy to help yourself.
We gotta have hope. As Mr. Lennon said …”hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will live as one!”
I love the concept of a ‘wise peaceful warrior”, that Sara Coffman suggests. And I agree with her that we can’t be a ‘wise peaceful warrior’ if we do not have peace within ourselves. It’s imperative for each of us to know peace inside. Without it we won’t successfully unite our world, our nation, our communities.
If, just if, we do join together as wise peaceful warriors and even more of us this time unite to pursue peace…just imagine what a wonderful world it would be!
Do contact me to get started with depression therapy, anxiety therapy or PTDS/trauma treatment today!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
Designed by Freepic
The holiday season is supposed to be a fun time of year full of parties, family gatherings and celebrations. But instead it can be a time when you are sad, lonely, depressed and anxious.
This time of year, can be a painful reminder of loved ones we’ve lost or are separated from. And, if we lack close relationships it can be difficult when we see others gathering with friends and families. When we compare our holiday experience with a picture-perfect view presented on social media we can end up feeling very disappointed.
When we do gather with family, complex dynamics between family members can be a source of tension and stress—even anticipating them can wretch up our anxiety level. And then all the added expenses, pressures and activity of buying gifts, traveling and hosting can lead to increased stress and anxiety.
As a result, it can be hard to find joy in the midst of it all.
If the holiday season gets you too down, depressed and anxious, it’s ok to ask for some help! And you don’t have to face all this alone.
Do contact me to get started with depression therapy and/or anxiety therapy today!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools!
Photo by Nicole Michalou Pixels
Did you know that high intensity drinking is a high-level form of binge drinking? To binge drink means a woman consumes 4 or more drinks in a single drinking episode and a man consume 5 or more. A high intensity drinker doubles that amount. So, 8 or more standard drinks consumed for women and 10 or more for men in one drinking episode.
High intensity drinking is drinking a lot of alcohol in a short span of time and is extremely dangerous.
According to The National institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, “In the United States, one “standard” drink (or one alcoholic drink equivalent) contains roughly 14 grams of pure alcohol, which is found in: 12 ounces of regular beer, which is usually about 5% alcohol. 5 ounces of wine, which is typically about 12% alcohol. 1.5 ounces of distilled spirits, which is about 40% alcohol.”
First off, our bodies can only process about one drink of alcohol an hour. Even this varies depending on your weight, your age, and even your sex.
Women typically have higher blood alcohol concentrations than men after drinking the same amount of alcohol. That is because women have proportionally more body fat and less water than do men even when they weight the same. Since alcohol is dispersed in body water, women’s bodies take longer to process alcohol than men ‘s bodies do.
When we consume a lot of alcohol in a short time, the amount in our bloodstream can stop our body from working properly. People who do high-intensity drinking are more likely to drive while drunk, be injured while drunk, have physical fights, get arrested, end up in the emergency department, take part in risky sexual behavior, vomit, pass out, black out—not remember what happened and get alcohol poisoning.
Alcohol poisoning happens when levels of alcohol in the bloodstream harm our internal organs and can affect our breathing and heart rate. About 2200 people die in the US each year from alcohol poisoning.
A new study from the University of Southern California revealed that levels of heavy drinking rose significantly, 20 percent during the pandemic and have stayed elevated in the post-pandemic years.
Young people and men have historically been associated with heavy drinking. But new research notes a sharp rise in heavy drinking among adults in their 40s.
The reasons someone might drink excessive alcohol range from having a genetic disposition to self-medicating.
For young people high-intensity drinking is motivated by the expectation that it would make them more social and help them have fun with friends.
It turns out in part this is now true for middle aged people too! A recent National survey shows that middle-aged and older adults also drink excessively during social events. In addition, they also reported using drinking as a way to deal with stress.
Many studies find that people intensify their drinking to celebrate special occasions and bond with friends and family during holidays. Also, high intensity drinking is more common around special occasions and holidays including New Year’s Eve.
According to The Centers for Disease Control and estimated 178,000 people die from excessive alcohol use each year in the United States. Men are the most likely to die from alcohol-related causes, but women have become 2.5 times more likely to do so! The Midwest has had the steepest rise of alcohol related deaths.
Take a moment and think about what is most important to you this holiday season. Do you want solid memories of an enjoyable holiday with family and friends? Or are you willing to risk drinking so much alcohol that you can’t remember what happened? Perhaps cause a drunk driving accident and end up in jail? Or puke all over your friends living room floor and need to be carried to the car and driven home?
When you drink at high intensity levels the risks are high.
Some of the health risks of consuming too much alcohol includes brain damage. Alcohol interferes with our brain’s communication pathways that affect our moods, behavior and coordination.
When we drink too much our heart can be damaged causing cardiomyopathy, arrhythmias, high blood pressure and strokes. Heavy drinking can lead to liver disease, including cirrhosis, alcoholic hepatitis and liver fibrosis.
Heavy drinking increases our risk for various cancers including mouth, throat, esophagus, liver, breast and colorectal. Alcohol can cause inflammation of our pancreas.
Drinking too much can weaken our heart muscles and damage our nervous system too.
To not do high intensity drinking you can:
-Set a limit on the number of drinks you will consume. And stick to it!
-Drink another beverage like water after you consume an alcohol beverage.
-Take sips of your drink and be mindful of its’ taste.
-Eat before you start drinking.
-Practice saying ‘no thank you’ to offers for another drink.
-Find healthy ways to deal with your social anxiety—for example slow steady breathing (inhale for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts, exhale for 6 counts) to calm your system down.
For other ideas you can check out a list of ‘50 Tips To Stay Clean And Sober This Holiday Season’ that I put together many years ago. You will find it on my Coping Tools Page under the Addiction topic.
https://www.midlifetoolsforliving.com/coping-tools/
Reach out for substance abuse treatment if you find yourself unable limit your drinking and the consequences are beginning to concern you and your loved ones too.
Do Contact Me Today to begin your high intensity drinking healing journey!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
Designed by Freepik
Do you know that 59% of us are worried about having political disagreements and tension at our Thanksgiving tables? And 23% of people surveyed are considering not celebrating Thanksgiving with their families all together, according to a survey by Spruce.
Holiday election anxiety stress is real and affecting us big time as we move into the season.
The question is just how much power will we give it? Will we really allow politics to interfere with our family relationships and celebrations and other aspects of our lives that are important to us?
I read an article about a woman who is so angry with her husband and his family about the choices they made at the election polls that she canceled both Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations for herself with them.
This woman has handed so much power over to politics. Politics has taken a front seat in her life and the people who were once important to her have been pushed aside because they have a different political view than hers. She can’t tolerate those differences. Her election anxiety stress has changed her holiday.
This amount of anger will destroy one’s life. It will eat away at us, keep us awake at night. It will affect our outlook on life, our ability to be healthy both physically and mentally. This anger will keep us reacting, blowing up, raging at the world around us. It will drive people away from us.
The divide in our country is being carried on by both sides reacting to one another. Each shouting their side is right and the other side is wrong. Emotions are heightened on all fronts. These emotions are driving us further apart.
When we have great big emotions, they take over our mind. When emotions run so high we are not able to access the logical part of our brain that helps us make wise decisions and responses in tense situations. We can end up blowing up, doing and saying things we later regret or that cause harm difficult to repair.
When emotions are ramped so high the only way we can respond wisely is to calm our emotional mind down. We can learn and practice tools to help us regulate our emotions.
First, we have to be willing to recognize if due to our election anxiety stress we are causing ourselves and others harm. That is not easy to do if we are set on the idea that the other side is wrong and we are right. No one wins this way. We all suffer.
Just cuz we are family doesn’t mean we are going to or have to agree on everything, including politics. Sometimes we can openly agree to disagree. And even come to accept that we do. Sometimes a family member insists that you agree with them and you don’t. You can come to accept that is how it is with this person and let that be as it is too.
The reality is that we each would not be who and where we are in life if anyone was different than they are in our families. Our lives unfold and have been influenced by those family members of ours in all kinds of ways. I would not be me without having had each of my family members in my life. The same goes for you.
We can decide to be grateful for the people we call family. And seek to understand rather than judge other people’s life choices, values, experiences, even political opinions. We can choose to love them no matter how different we are and think. We can respect our differences, look for what we share in common and lower our election anxiety stress.
*Take a break if your emotions and anxiety stress becomes ramped up. Go for a walk outside, head to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths, glance out a window and notice what you see.
*We don’t need to make our opinions known. Even if someone is professing there’s it doesn’t mean I need to state mine. Keep yours to yourself, especially if you suspect someone is poking or needling you.
*Don’t let anyone get under your skin. Deflate your emotional reactions—take a breath and linger on the exhale, put a smile on your face, grab a chunk of ice and hold it in your hands.
*Plan ahead and have ideas of conversation topics you can bring to the table—ask questions about your family’s past, remember a fun time you all had together. Interject a topic when you need the subject to change. Take control of the conversation direction.
*If you are involved in a political conversation with someone whose views differ approach the interaction with curiosity, seek to listen and really hear what the other person is saying. Avoid passing judgments. Look for common ground you share.
Hate has no place to sit at the holiday table…only if we bring it with us in our hearts. Family connectedness is important for us all and peace is a corner stone of holiday celebrations. Decide to carry peace in your heart this holiday season.
Treating others with respect and kindness is important no matter what beliefs we each have. Our country has so much mending to do if we are ever to be more unified and actually civil again.
The holidays are actually a perfect time to practice using coping tools for your election anxiety stress. And a perfect time to mend the divide that exists due political difference within your family system.
We have to start somewhere. This season is a great time to begin. We can celebrate with joy that we have the right to be who we are, think as we do and love those who love us too.
So, gather up your courage and strength. Face the election anxiety stress you carry. Write it out in a journal, walk it out as you rant and spew, talk it out with a like-minded friend, cry it out as tears release stress chemicals that build up in our systems. Defuse it so it does not have control over you. Rather you take control over it.
Stay in this moment. Stop yourself from projecting into the future. No one has a crystal ball. When we project a future moment in our brain we only add to the stress we carry. And truth be told we are doing this to ourselves. We do not know what the next moment will bring. We just don’t. There is no way that we can. There are endless variables that contribute to each moment life brings.
Find tools to navigate your way through any challenging moments this holiday season and practice using them. Let the peace in your heart guide you as you give family relationships the importance they deserve. Celebrate your family this holiday season. Refuse to let the election and your election anxiety stress tear it apart!
We do each matter, we each make a difference in the world around us. How I act and behave, what I say and do affects others. As the old Golden Rule saying goes—treat others as you would like to be treated!
I found a special recipe years ago that hangs in my kitchen as a reminder:
The 2 key ingredients in this recipe for me are love and forgiveness. Family relationships are complex, as imperfect as we all are and clearly important. We would not be filled with upset, anger, anxiety including election anxiety stress if we did not care about the people we call family.
Remember to have compassion for yourself too. The holiday season is a challenging time all by itself and even more so with election anxiety stress added to it. Take good care of you. Plan for some self-care time and activities to help you de-stress and de-compress. Celebrate the hard work that you are doing!
Do Contact me if you need some additional support during this holiday season. Anxiety Therapy can make a difference.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
Image by pikisuperstar on Freepik
Believe it or not but election grief is a real thing. There are many kinds of losses.
Most of our understanding of grief however is based on losses that are clear ones like the death of a loved one. Many losses however are with situations that are unclear—like a loved one missing in action and the unknown if they will come back or be found. Or loss situations that are beyond our control—like the Covid pandemic when there was nothing we could do but learn to live with all the uncertainty. These are ambiguous losses.
“Ambiguous loss” is a term coined by Pauline Boss back in the 1970’s when she was a therapist working with the wives of soldiers missing in action during the Vietnam War.
Election grief is an ambiguous loss.
-the loss of hopes and dreams for a future you thought your candidate would bring
-the loss of a future that you wanted
-the loss of trust that the world is a safe place
-the loss of freedom over your body
-the loss of support for or from your neighbor and people who are different from you
There are no rituals, no funerals, no death certificate, no support, no comfort offered from others. We are just rather stuck in it and with it. It’s not clear either that you’ve actually lost something because you can’t see it. It is our perceptions that define exactly what has been lost. Our perceptions are unique to each one of us.
Some things to remember:
It is normal to grieve when you are experiencing something you didn’t expect, don’t like, came on suddenly and unexpectedly. In fact, it is a major loss. Accept it as one.
It is normal to feel angry and sad and numb and even scared or helpless and powerless too. Accept all your emotions.
It’s normal to carry sadness with us when we are attached to something, someone, some idea and lose it. It’s normal to remember it and not forget it, feel it years later as we reflect back. We don’t have to forget it either.
Some things to do:
Do something you can control in your house, your family, for yourself—do something that requires action and makes your body move.
Reflect on what is important to you, what you care about in yourself, you family, your community, the nation, the world. Write it down.
Cultivate your tolerance for uncertainty—go do something different, something new, get to know people you who are very different than you are. Stretch yourself.
Channel your energy into doing something to help bring change in your community, your family or in yourself. Change helps keep us going. Get yourself involved.
Importantly honor your grief. Be kind to yourself. This is a very difficult time. You are having a normal grief reaction to something you didn’t want to happen or expect it would either. Give yourself the space and time your need to grieve your loss. And know it’s ok to do so!
And know it’s ok to reach out for grief therapy if you need more support. Do Contact Me!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
Information for this post was acquired from:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/election-grief-is-real-heres-how-to-cope/
Election day has finally come and gone. It’s been a very long election year filled with so much intense emotion. We are all weary and emotionally spent. Given the extreme dividedness our country it’s frightening to consider what just might come next.
This is a very important time to take a mental health break and explore the amount of stress you are carrying and practice some coping tools to help you chill your worked-up system.
“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor,” said Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. This meditation is a powerful tool to help remind us that feelings do indeed come and go.
Our breath is with us 24/7. We can use it to calm our stressed-up body when are minds are whirling with emotion. Our breath can ground us. Soothe us. Calm us.
And, all we need do it to take a few slow deep breaths no matter where we are and focus our mind on the air coming into and out of our nose and lungs, feel our chest expand with our inhale and contract when we exhale.
Head out doors and take a walk out in nature to see the clouds, watch the wind move the tree limbs, listen to the birds chirping, smell the air. Nature calms our system. Walking for even 10 minutes helps improve our mood. Walking reduces the stress hormone cortisol and helps us feel less stressed and more relaxed.
Go do something fun with a friend. Turn off the news and connect with the people around you.
Give yourself the opportunity to process your feelings about the election—the grief, disappointment, frustration, anger, guilt. It can help to write them out. Express them on paper. Let yourself have a good cry or pound on a pillow if you need to.
Think about what you are grateful for and write it down in a daily gratitude journal. Even in hard times there is much to be thankful for in our lives. Gratitude gives us strength.
Consider what you can and cannot control and put your energy into that which you can. We have choices to make about what we focus on.
Do reach out to a therapist if you are having difficulty coping with the stress that you are experiencing. It is a strength to ask for help when we need it!
We actually do things in common with each other. We share core values as human beings.
We can make the choice to focus on those shared values rather than labeling people who think differently than we do as being extreme, or illogical or hateful.
Focusing on common ground builds connections. It is connection that helps reduce our overall stress. Because I am really not so different than you I don’t need to be so revved up, stressed out and live in fear of what is going to happen next.
It is up to each one of us to decide if we want to continue living in the stress we have been or take steps to build a healthier self, community and country too!
Just what choices are you goanna make?
Do Contact Me if you need some therapy support.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
The great political divide in our country has influenced so many parts of our lives including our perceptions of “facts”, our friendships, our world view and our ability to relate with civility towards one another. Uncertain times and disagreements on so many topics have become very polarizing. This has led to a negative impact on our mental health and well-being including an uptick in anxiety, helplessness, and depression.
We the people in this country have an enormous amount of work to do. We have become so divided, so angry with one another, so negative, so ugly, so harsh, so quick to judge, so hateful. I do wonder if we can ever become respectful and civil again.
According to the Oxford Languages Dictionary: “Civil pronounced: civ·il /ˈsiv(ə)l/ is an adjective and means:
1. relating to ordinary citizens and their concerns, as distinct from military or ecclesiastical matters. “civil aviation” Similar: secular, nonreligious, lay, laic, laical, nonmilitary, civilian. Opposite: religious, military.
2. courteous and polite. “we tried to be civil to him”. Similar: polite, courteous, well-mannered well bred, gentlemanly, chivalrous, gallant, ladylike, gracious, respectful, refined, urbane, polished, cultured, cultivated, civilized, cordial, genial, pleasant, affable, obliging, decent, mannerly. Opposite: rude, discourteous.”
We’re moving further and further away from being a courteous and polite civilization especially when politics is front and center.
If civilization means, as the Oxford Languages Dictionary indicates: the stage of human social and cultural development and organization that is considered most advanced. Then, we seem to be taking steps backwards developmentally as one.
It is one thing to debate and disagree and quite another to resort to uncivilized behavior. Being vulgar, brutish, thuggish, barbaric, savage—all synonyms for the word uncivilized so says the Oxford Languages Dictionary.
What do you want for your life? For the world around you? For your family and friends? For your city, your neighborhood, your neck of the woods?
If living in a civil mentally healthy society is a priority to you, it requires each of us to commit to intentionally bring as much peace and tranquility as we can into our daily life.
That is a rather tall order too! It’s very hard not to get ramped up and worried up. It will take a good amount of work and effort not to do so. And it requires attention and intention too.
Do pause and take notice of how you are responding emotionally and what you are thinking. Simply observe and label what it is that you are thinking. For example that is a worry thought, or a judgment thought. When we do this we give some space between ourself and the thought itself. And then we can more readily respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally.
Make a commitment to be respectful. Communication is about the words we say, the tone we use, and our body demeanor. Be intentional about how you come across to others.
It’s important to recognize what we can and can’t change. We really do not have the power to change another person’s beliefs, ideas, perspective….no matter how much, how badly we want to. We only have the power to control ourselves and how we respond, react, think, feel, believe. So, save your breath and your sanity. Zip your lip! Let be what is.
Do be kind, even if you disagree with someone, approach the conversation with kindness. Kindness opens the door to understanding, which is something we all need more of,
especially when our perspectives differ. The art of kindness involves having a spirit of helpfulness, being generous and considerate, and doing so without expecting anything in return.
Do think of kindness as a quality of being you can cultivate. Giving kindness often is simple, free and mental health-enhancing. Kindness has been shown to increase self-esteem, empathy and compassion, and improve mood. It can decrease blood pressure and cortisol, a hormone directly correlated with stress levels.
Do approach others with curiosity and humility. Instead of always asserting your own opinion, have the courage to ask more questions and to genuinely seek to understand the other person.
Remember our neighbors really are not our enemies. We can be friends if we make the choice to do so. We each have the power to connect with others and foster meaningful relationships. If we use this power we will begin to heal our country’s divides and progress as a decent civilization. We don’t have to abandon our own values but rather hold onto them while we also embrace the importance of respect, empathy, and kindness.
The divisiveness in our country won’t heal overnight. It will take a lot of work to bring civility back into focus and it’s our job, our responsibility as individuals to use our power to get the country back on the right track and closer together again.
Each day I have a choice and so do you to do all it takes to be a decent civilized human being and treat other human beings with respect. Our well-being and mental health would be enhanced if we would all aim to be respectful and display civility.
Please do make the choice to be an example, live life with civility—politely and courteously relate to others especially those with whom you disagree!
We, the people, desperately need you too—together we will make a difference!
Do Contact Me if you would like to learn more and be supported as you nurture your mental health and bring civility back into your life.
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
Birds are all over, almost everywhere and give is a way to easily connect with nature.
Research shows that being out in nature is associated with better brain and body health. And just seeing or hearing birds has been shown to be good for our mental health!
Hearing birds sing:
*can help alleviate feelings of anxiety
*can help improve our moods
*can help reduce depression
*can help reduce mental fatigue
*can help improve concentration
*can reduce stress levels
Even listening to recordings of bird songs for as briefly as 6 minutes can help reduce feelings of anxiety and depression.
Getting out to experience nature, seeing and hearing the birds requires some physical activity which itself helps improve our mental health. And getting exercise outside may increase the overall mental health benefits of both.
1. Listen to what the little birdy tells you! Notice the singing, pay attention, be aware of the different tunes around you!
2. Be free as a bird and be curious about who is making those beautiful sounds around you! There are various aps available that can help you identify just who is who too!
3. Birds of a feather flock together…you might even consider finding a birding group to join in your area to share and learn more too!
4. Be light as a feather…stay in the present, pull your thoughts to be here and now rather than being all caught up in your head…let yourself experience the joy your little bird friends can bring to you!
Who would have thought that with a little help from our fine feathered friends we can improve our mental health!
If you are looking for other ways to help improve your mental health especially if you are dealing with depression or anxiety or grief do Contact Me today to begin therapy and learn some additional life coping tools!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
To learn more check out this interesting article and hear recordings of some bird songs too:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/interactive/2023/birds-song-nature-mental-health-benefits/
That could be due to heat stress! Believe it or not but research shows that extreme heat has consequences not just for our physical health but also our mental health! One study noted a 40% increase in the likelihood of hospitalization for depression and mania during periods of high heat. And another one found a correlation between high temperatures and increased suicide rates. Another study noted the increase of violence and conflict as the temperature increases.
If you are noticing that you are having some emotional challenges you are not alone. Most of the US has been struggling with extreme heat and it is barely officially summer.
Heat stress happens when our body can’t readily regulate its temperature and cool us down. Most of us are aware it can lead to heatstroke and we need to take precautions. But is also can interfere with our sleep and alter our daily routines both of which can lead to increased stress and even cognitive impairments. When we don’t get good sleep, it affects our moods too.
Heat stress can increase our anxiety by activating out body’s stress response and heightened levels of stress hormones in our bodies. As a result, we can feel restless and apprehensive.
That stress response can lead to being irritable and agitated due to those stress hormones. And we can find ourselves more easily frustrated, irritable, restless, impatient and having more conflict with others. It can contribute to mood swings, feelings of sadness too.
High temperatures actually affect our ability to cope with stress and weaken our resilience making it harder to manage daily stressors and challenges.
When it’s so hot we aren’t so motivated to engage in activities, our energy gets easily drained too. We can end up feeling a sense of helplessness, despair, and powerlessness when we can’t escape the relentless heat.
Those of us who have mental health conditions like depression, anxiety or bipolar disorders may experience more intense symptoms during heat waves too. It’s very important to manage your condition extra well during periods of extreme heat.
The good news is that mindfulness and stress management techniques have been shown to be helpful tools to assist in the effects of heat stress.
Mindfulness are practices that help us to stay present and calmly acknowledge out feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations. Mindfulness appears to help us manage our reactions to the heat and reduces our emotional distress. Tools include mindful breathing, guided meditations, progressive muscle relaxation.
Stress management tools like maintaining a regular sleep schedule, eating a healthy balanced diet, staying hydrated and taking breaks from the heat can also be helpful.
If you find yourself struggling to cope do know that therapy can play a vital role in coping with heat‐induced mental stress. Therapy can be a safe place to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies and alter patterns of thought and actions that contribute to your anxiety and depression distress.
Since weather extremes appear to be here to stay it is really important for us all to have the tools we need to cope well with whatever mother nature brings our way!
Do Contact Me to begin Anxiety Therapy or Depression Therapy today!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
Image “Designed by Freepik”
Just how many times have you uttered those words? Thought those words? Even screamed those words out loud? My guess is way more than once in your lifetime. I know I have.
I remember hearing many years ago for the first time: ‘Life is a bitch and then you die’. I was appalled at the time because the individual saying those words meant it with all conviction. And I did not want that to be the case for this or any person to believe.
And if you think about it, what is ‘unfair’ often depends on which side of the fence you happen to be on. Someone wins someone loses. Someone’s moral compass is different than the norm. Someone is very human and makes a mistake. Someone sees from a different perspective.
Bottom line is, it didn’t go my way! It didn’t go the ‘right’ way! And, I really don’t like it!
And no matter how hard we try we really can not change the fact that life is still not fair. We can however end up miserable, view ourselves as helpless victims, get stuck wallowing in our anger, push people away due to our negativity, become so stressed out we have mental health and physical health problems because of it.
All because we can’t accept the reality that life is simply unfolding as life does. It’s a series of events. And our opinions about the fairness or unfairness of it all won’t change life from being life happening as it happens to happen.
We have the power to discern what we can and cannot change, what we can and cannot control. We have the power to accept that which we cannot change and control too—it is not necessary to agree with it but to be simply able to acknowledge what has happened. When we stop fighting against what is we actually take control of ourselves in ways that allows us to take steps forward rather than staying stuck in an emotional tantrum.
So, take a deep breath or 2 or 3 the next time you start thinking ‘it’s so unfair’, calm your system down and ask yourself if this is something you have any control over or not. Remember you can’t control others, you can decide how you will react—this is your power to not allow something you have no control over, no ability to change to take control of you!
Pause and think about a challenging experience in your past, something you really didn’t want to have occur but it did. What did you do to resolve it? Just how did you do that? What qualities, inner resources, strength’s that you have helped you get through it? Name them out loud or write them down. This is your resilient self. Honor him/her/them. Remember your resilient self is standing right here with you all the time. Ready in a moment’s notice to help you cope with the next challenge life presents in your direction.
Rather than let it fester inside get it out. Talk about it with a trusted good listener friend, write it out—journaling is a helpful way to get things out, draw or paint your emotions, sometimes simply talking out loud and hearing yourself say the words can help.
The news, social media does focus on the bad stuff that goes on in the world around us. It’s easy to let the headlines get in our way of seeing other things going on too…like when someone says hello, holds a door open, thanks you, offers to help, compliments you, just smiles at you, does something that that makes you smile, gives you a hug, says they love you, sends you a card or note. All those wonderful little things add up each day. And, it can be easy to set them aside when those nasty headlines are flashed in our faces. It’s important to remember all the other things that are presented to us each day and hold them in full view!
Counseling can help you process your experiences and emotions and acquire coping tools so you can learn how to accept that which you cannot change or control. And, prevent you from experiencing periods of depression and anxiety too.
Living it fully requires us to accept all that comes our way. With that calm acceptance we can make a difference in places and situations that can lead to positive change in all kinds of ways, especially inside our own selves and our own lives!
Do Contact Me begin Anxiety Therapy or Depression Therapy today!
JD’s Midlife Tools For Living Practices, Holland, MI
Offering Heartfelt care, Compassion and Coping Tools
