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The last three weeks have been exhaustingly stressful here and I was so very tired yesterday that I took a 2 hour nap late in the afternoon. I needed that very badly as I felt rather lifeless. Today I have more energy. I feel life returning to this worn body and spirit of mine.
I walked down the street earlier this morning which I’ve not had time to do for a couple of weeks and it felt good to welcome in the day that way. I’ve missed doing that as it does help to ground me and connect with my dad through the sun, trees, sky, birds that surround me.
As I sit here on my deck, listening to the birds and feeling the sun warm me up as it peeks through the trees I am once again reminded of the simple joys I’ve missed in the stress and hectic times of late. And I am grateful for my life and all that I have been given.
Amazing grace…life is good! And I have so much to be grateful for!
What helps to ground you and allows you to connect with your spirit?
Contact Me and start in Grief Therapy today!
Several years ago my husband and I started referring to our home as the house of three crazy cats—seemed fitting! We decided to have a sign made up and thought it would be great for it to be in Spanish as the words sound more exotic. A dear friend kindly translated the phrase correctly into Spanish and my wonderful Uncle who we lovingly call “Unk” carved a beautiful sign out of wood for us. Our intention had been to hang it on the top of our front door on the outside but the sign is so beautiful that we decided to hang it in the living room instead.
This week “la casa de tres gatos locos” has been seriously threatened with the possible loss of one of those furry “gatos” and we’ve been in flux and stressed out—all 5 of us! Fortunately at the moment my little Gurney is home and making progress but this is a day to day thing.
I spent hours Thursday and Friday at the vet snuggling with her as she is my scared-y cat who goes no where except for her yearly vet trip and hides when ever we have company. In fact most people don’t even know she exists. So being away from home, not feeling well and terribly distressed was not a likely combination for her to get better. I am confident that had I not spent that time with her she would not have come home.
Spending those hours holding on to her was not what I had anticipated for the end of this week at all. We never know what the next moment will bring do we!
I am doing physical therapy for a pinched nerve in my neck and Friday morning during the very last minute of my traction therapy my eyes opened quickly as I came to the realization that I needed to let go and only in that would I find any peace during this ordeal. My husband and I both had anticipated having to say goodbye to her Friday or Saturday as a very dreadful reality.
Shortly after this moment of acceptance my husband text me with incredible news that her kidney numbers had dramatically improved from the day before and the vet was rather excited about that too. I was amazed at the timing of this event and my recognition of that wise voice inside that helped me to let go.
Letting go is about loving. I told my dad before he took his last breath that it was ok for him to go and I did that out of love as hard as it was to do. It is out of loving Gurney that I found my ability to let her go too if the need is there as I don’t want for her to suffer.
This house would/will not be the same with out that little one for sure. I am most grateful for some extra time with her no matter how much that ends up being. While she is making progress there is still more healing for her to do to have quality of life—she has to regain her appetite and eat.
This week has helped me remember what is most important in my life too. Out of bad good does come—if we are open to it.
What do you need to remember as being most important in your life?
I am now a whole year older and that means I have had a bit longer time on this earth to live with my mistakes. It has not an easy task at any age for me to do but I will say I am learning how to give myself some grace. And, I am also figuring out how to laugh at myself and my follies recognizing I am all too very human.
I have a history of challenges with various medications and sensitivity with side effects. One of my more memorable experiences involved passing out and pooping, yes pooping, on my sister’s floor. I was rushed to ER in an ambulance to be stabilized. Such an end to our vacation in Colorado too!
My brother in law will NEVER let me hear the end of that one! I laughed plenty about it for many months till it occurred to me that it was rather traumatic for my husband, sister and brother in law to go through that, not knowing when I passed out what the heck was wrong. I stopped laughing for a bit about it after recognizing that reality.
Just three days ago I decided that I was having some negative side effects to a new allergy medication I’d been on for two weeks to help with my very bad allergies this spring. So I stopped taking it as I really didn’t want to be so sleepy in the afternoons. I had noticed too that I was more irritable and felt depressed.
But unfortunately I didn’t stop it soon enough to be beyond the irritability part when I went to visit my mom. Two days ago the universe and I were so out of sink that no matter what I did it was the wrong thing to do.
I was later than mom was comfortable in arriving, I disappointed her because of that and upon her telling me that fact I exploded at her. I was not able to calm myself down quickly enough before screaming, yes screaming, some things at her and putting my bags back into my car. I scared her. I could see it in her eyes too. I still feel badly for it. I know it was me doing it but I had no control over me at the time for a couple of minutes. That is a very scary place to be!
So yet today I am working through my guilt at causing my mom some anguish that she really didn’t need to experience as she works through her grief with losing my father. It put a bit of a damper on my birthday for sure. It is hard to feel deserving after such a transgression. Owning this is painful to do. I am all too very human for sure!
Life does go on. The sun comes up and the birds sing their welcoming songs. I take a breath and know I can forgive myself too in time.
What things in your life do you struggle with forgiving yourself for having done?
I was a tad cranky yesterday and out of sorts in anticipation of this day. Dad’s been here my whole life to celebrate with on this day. It is so strange to not have him here. And yet life goes on as it does. It feels unfair that it does too…everything should stop! I guess that dissociative fog is my way of stopping for a bit.
It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood. The sunrise was magnificent. It is sunny and cool and the birds are singing…a mourning dove is letting me know her sorrow and mine too.
I told my sister in law recently that if I had known a year ago that my dad would die in October I would have moved in with my parents for the summer. Regrets…I spent time with my parents as often as I felt I could but I also know now that there were plenty of other opportunities I let slide by too.
It seems the gift of loss is a realization that things come to an end. And in that I’ve been able more often to take in what this day has to give to me with more appreciation for all I have been given. I am living life a bit more fully perhaps than I was before my dad died.
Savor this Father’s Day as you don’t know if it might be your last one with the wonderful man/men in your life!
Happy Father’s Day Pop! I love you!
What might you do differently if you knew your father would die in the next year?
Contact Me and start Grief Therapy today!
My all time favorite movie is White Christmas. I have to watch it every holiday time. It is a must! I especially love the sister’s act and song they sing because I think of my very dear and special sister!
I am staying at her house this week. Yesterday we drove to Pike’s Peak…well she drove and on the way up I clung to the seat leaning left when the curves and road seemed to want to go off into the clouds. It was a beautiful drive and day. On the way down we listened to John Denver sing Rocky Mountain High and belted out tunes along side him. My mind was more at ease around those curves that I suddenly didn’t even notice. Distractions are a good coping tool in such cases!
I am unwinding…phew! I didn’t even want to get out of bed today. I will be knitting on the deck soon after finishing up this and going for a walk in the Colorado sunshine. This afternoon we are heading for a two hour facial experience complete with a neck/shoulder massage. I will be a pile of mush later this afternoon. They may have to carry me out in a stretcher if they want me to leave…’no, you can’t make me leave!’
My sister spoils me. I love her for that and just for whom she is—a kind, hearty, sweet, gentle soul. She is very successful in her work endeavors and I am very proud of her for that too.
I am so very fortunate to have her as my sister and so very grateful for the close relationship that we share. Not everyone gets to be close to their siblings. I am a very lucky woman! Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters!
For whom in your life are you grateful for in this very moment?
It is Monday of my vacation week and day three here. I am home alone in my sister’s beautiful house with the sun shining and beautiful mountain scenery out the windows. It is a cool day yet outside. I am grateful to be here.
I am tired way down deep and yet my body wants me to keep moving as does my mind. It will take a spell to wind down after months on the go. Parts of me want a long nap. Parts of me want to go for a walk. Parts of me want that book and my knitting that await me.
Settling down will take a bit as my body resists and looks for something to else do…the laundry is folded, and soup is in crock pot for supper already. I knew I needed to be away from my own home to work through these ‘keep yourself busy’ moments. At home there is always something that needs to be done! Resisting the urge ‘to do’ isn’t as simple at home as here.
So here’s to V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N and unwinding and replenishing and renewing me, and to wrestling with the ‘there has to be something I can get up and do’ thinking in order to get there!
How do you unwind best? How do you resist that very idea, too?
I share a house with three cats—three very spoiled and special cats who rule the roost I am afraid. If you’ve never lived with a cat you are missing many of the simple joys life brings. I’ve learned some valuable life lessons from my cats too.
One of my cats really loves to have her head rubbed. Dunkin is a sweet cat. She is smart too. I’ve learned thru her about the value of focusing on one task at a time—you see Dunkin not only demands head attention but she wants your full undivided attention and does in fact know when I am multitasking. She will in her very own sweet way force me to put down my pen, computer, newspaper or whatever I happen to be doing and give her a completely focused head rub. Which isn’t always exactly what I want to be doing either!
They now say that multitasking isn’t good for us, that we accomplish more doing one thing at a time. I gather Dunkin must have heard about that study! So often my mind has way too many thing going on at one time and I struggle with focusing. Well, my dear little Dunkin is helping me learn how to better mindfully focus on one thing at a time. And, it does bring me great enjoyment when I do that which I don’t receive when I am distracted and doing something along with rubbing her up.
This is the gift of mindfulness: a full and complete experience, not missing parts and pieces scattered about thoughtlessly! Ah Dunkin my little teacher….
What do you do mindlessly that you could try mindfully doing? What to you notice to be the difference between your experiences?
I feel fortunate to live in such a beautiful place. This time of year I am grateful for that fact a lot. Many people travel here to experience the area and I get to experience it daily.
But of course, I don’t often do just that…experience it daily. And by that I mean take it all in and savor it. To do that I have to slow down and be in the moment which in my day to day normal life does not come easily or readily. I have to make it happen with great intention. Who has time for that? Not me as often as I really need to make the time for it to happen for certain.
My morning walks in my ‘jammies’ with my cup of coffee to watch the sun rise give me just that opportunity to listen to the birds serenade me, watch the colors emerge with the light, see the hues of green and the sun glisten on the blades of grass and leaves on the trees, smell the fragrances of the blooms and that sweet air that occasionally makes its way to my nose. I get to commune with Mother Nature and come alive myself as the world begins to stir around me.
I am grateful for this morning’s time to take in this wonderful place I get the opportunity to call home!
What are you grateful for in this very moment?
Summer holiday weekends generally for me have been a time of catching up on things around the house. Spring is generally a busy time for me with yard work and family birthdays and mothers/fathers day dinners. I’ve tried to take the extra days of the holiday weekends for myself to compensate.
Yesterday while eating a bite of breakfast over the local newspaper I happened upon the Memorial Day parade invite and other articles about the day and was moved to take action. For the first time since I was a very young child I went to the Memorial Day Parade in town.
Having never been to one before in my memory, I had no idea what to expect. What I found moved me too. There were Veterans from WWII, Korea, and Vietnam—riding in old cars with a sign on the car letting you know in which war they served, some marched too and as they passed the crowd clapped and clapped and clapped! It was amazing.
There were local High and Junior High School and The American Legion bands playing patriotic songs. People were decked out in red, white and blue. There were flags waving and being handed out to anyone who wanted one which I gladly took. The mood reflected the wonder of these men and women who so selflessly served. They amaze me.
This year with the Vet’s getting treated so poorly at our hospitals that are supposed to be there to serve them I wanted them to know they are in fact not forgotten. It was important to me not to enjoy one more cup of coffee sitting in my home thinking of what they day meant all alone. It felt right to join a very public thank you. I listened to that wise voice as I left my yogurt sit on the counter for later, grabbed a cup of coffee to go with me and dashed off in time to see the start of that parade. I will do this again. Memorial Day means something.
I am saddened by the greed that many people in positions of power and influence demonstrate. The men and women in charge of the Veteran Hospitals are all too very human and have given in to the temptation of money choosing that over doing the right thing. Power can and does corrupt at all levels. This is an ugly very human reality.
Listening to that wise voice we have inside can help us make the right decision. I hope I can keep that wise voice within my reach as the days of my life continue to unfold.
What does your wise voice lead you to do?
I need a clone. Actually about 4 of me would be wonderful…one to stay home and enjoy my world here with husband, cats, friends, garden, knitting, reading; one to go to work as I do enjoy my work; one to stay with my mom as it pains me greatly to see and know she is all alone; and one to live with my sister who it feels like ‘I am home’ when I am around her.
My sister has been with my mom this week and is leaving today. It saddens me to know mom will be alone once again. I grieve not only for my dad but for her being all alone in that house filled with all of his memories. It is where she is close to him and that is a good yet a painful reality for her. Life is full of those on one hand and yet on the other just the opposite occurs all in the same breath kinds of realities.
The sun is up and the birds are singing, the air is sweet smelling and I can feel it warming up around me as I sit on my deck and process the last several weeks. It has been a rather full few weeks. All good stuff but busier than I have been in a long time. There was a time in my life when I didn’t feel my life was full enough of people, things to do and usefulness. That is not now.
And, in all my frenzy of activity I have rather sort of forgotten to leave enough time for me just to sit and be still. That time is finally now. I’ve had to dampen my urge to have coffee with a friend or two in need, go to one more store, and find one more meal to fix so I can savor time with myself, husband and cats. I realize I’ve missed us all terribly.
What do you or can you do so as not to forget-me-not?
Dear Dad,
I helped Mom move your clothes out of your closet last Saturday. It was a heavy task and I didn’t want her to have to do that alone. I cried. Didn’t want to have to carry them downstairs either all at the same time. It was very hard to see your things on the bed downstairs and remember you wearing certain things. Mom kept ones that still smell like you. I set aside a few things that I might want and thought perhaps Jill might too. Brought some home for Steven too.
It feels surreal writing this. I know I’m processing grief pain but my brain wants to distance me from all the pain of this reality. You aren’t going to ever wear those clothes again. I know that and I don’t want to know that too. This step made it all too real. I suspect my sleep challenges this week have been from needing to process this very painful experience and not having had the space and time to do so until now.
I miss you and as the months have moved forward that pain has grown sharper as my body’s natural anesthesia is gradually lifting. I’m grateful that my body has helped me through with its’ healing powers.
I felt a bit distant from you and from my sorrow this week. Just couldn’t take on facing this pain till this morning. It is hard work letting you go. I wonder how Mom can do her work facing that empty house every day and not be completely overwhelmed. Being here in my home and in my life affords me some distance. Perhaps this is both a blessing and a curse as I can all too readily become myself too busy with my world and avoid my own pain. I am grateful for this opportunity to face the music of my grief. My tears are helping me heal.
I love you-
Jude
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I find myself even more sad for my friend that tomorrow is Mother’s Day and there is a very huge hole that she will experience tomorrow in addition to that which she is all ready going through today. Life can be cruel. Life is not without huge pain—that is real.
Next Sunday is my dad’s birthday. That will be a very hard day for my family. And, yet it is another opportunity to work through more of my grief. So along with the pain, life also provides us with ample opportunities to work to greater resolution and acceptance of all that is.
Mother’s Day will be a day of celebration as well as a day of pain for so many of us all in the same breath. Life is full of balancing act possibilities…whether we like it or not!
What are you currently learning how to balance in your life—reality and the pain of the reality; and learning how to accept all that is and grow from it?
Contact Me to start Grief Therapy today!
