JD's Midlife Tools For Living Practices, LLC

Precious memories

My sister took tons of pictures of my parents that visit which isn’t something she ever did in the past either. She even did a short video of dad and her singing a fun tune. Interesting isn’t it!

A dear friend of mine had a hydrangea plant in her yard she wanted to get rid of and gave it to me to give to my mom. I took it over that weekend and all four of us planted it together. That is one of the very last experiences we had together as a family and a very special memory to hold.

As this month has wound its way towards the middle and on to the end, my mind and body are remembering a year ago. It was a time of concern and uneasiness as my dad’s surgery loomed on the horizon.

I find myself missing my dad, feeling sad, being more tearful and out of sorts than I’ve been too. I don’t have as much patience as I normally do either and I tire more readily.

I know this is all a part of the process of grieving. I also know it is important to give myself quiet down time to allow all that needs to come forth do just that.

There is a wonderful little book my mom received from a friend called “Grief Therapy” by Karen Katafiasz and published by Abby Press. I picked up a copy. It has short verse like meditations in it that are packed with wisdom and sweet illustrations that warm my heart. I looked at it initially after my dad died and have found myself picking it up once again.

It takes time to grieve.

It is interesting how some ten months later it can still feel unbelievable that it happened! That span of time is only momentary but it does still happen to me.

My mom is in the process of letting go of my dad’s things from his clothes to his tools. I find myself in turmoil over this action. In ways I want so for things to be the same. For moments it feels almost cruel too, as though she is getting rid of him! It feels too soon to me. I do not want to see the empty spaces where he once lived. That reality is incredibly sad.

I can’t imagine just how painful it must be for my mom to live amongst his things and have to let them all go and face those empty spaces. Her courage is amazing.

So, for today as Ms. Katafiasz suggests that I do, I am respecting the power that my grief has, recognizing the surprising ways it is affecting me and trying to be gentle with myself. Grieving is hard work to do!

What are some experiences and feelings you are working to accept?

Contact Me to get started with Grief Therapy today!

As the summer winds its way I am more able to wind down too. August has typically been the month I think of for me to relax. May, June and July are full of family events, and gardening work that typically fills my free time.

This morning as I wandered down the street I soaked up the sun, took in the sweet smelling morning air, marveled at the pretty wild flowers blooming on the side of the road. I took time to smell the beautiful star gazer lilies in my front yard that are in full bloom. Their color is stunning and their scent is heaven sent.

I love my yard in the spring with the color that arrives after the long drought of winter. I’ve come to appreciate those star gazers and the gifts they bring to my yard. They’ve added a flower to look forward to experiencing this time of the summer season. And, in my typical fashion I want to cling to them as I do my spring flowers and want for them not to fade away.

It has been some time since I’ve poked my nose into my favorite meditative helper books. I’ve taken myself back to them as well this August. “Nothing Special, Living Zen” by Charlotte Joko Beck is the one I am re-reading once again. Her wisdom is amazing.

The reality of life and pain is the focus in the beginning section of this work. Pain has been my teacher as Ms. Beck notes it being. I have the want for that life and pain reality to not be a reality too. Not accepting pain has only created more struggles in my life not only for me but for those around me as well.

I can live life inside my head so easily making up scenarios and outcomes, wishing and wanting for control and, as Ms. Beck indicates, trying to avoid the pain that is just a factual part of life itself.

I know I need down times in my life. These are not simply the August months of my life when I can sit and read and rest but the emotional down times too that allow me to more openly see and experience the pain that life brings and allow for it to reveal life lessons that I so badly need to learn. A big part of which is simply the acceptance of life pain itself! Those roses after all do have a thorny side too!

What do you need to “take time to smell the roses” about in your life?

The title is a line from an old Jimmy Buffet song that my husband latched onto years back and uses when either he or I complain of our ailments. The song is referencing a morning after a night of drinking however it seems to sum up well the whine we get into complaining about what hurts.

I’ve been thinking of that tune as I wince and moan with my aches and pains and especially my morning stiffness. The joys of getting younger I say a lot with a big grin on my face too. My mother in law years back said that getting older is not for wimps and I agree whole-heartedly all ready. I shutter to think what an extra 20 years will bring!

With the added life experience and hopefully wisdom we accumulate along the way in our lives, our poor body suffers through our mistakes and follies along with us. And, things do catch up to us whether we like it our not.

I’ve been a great one for holding my stress in my body and not for not realizing it until the muscles in my upper back and shoulders had enough and screamed out in pain for me to finally get it. Changing that is a work in process.

I am doing physical therapy for arthritis in my neck. I just recently learned that when I raise my arms above my head my right shoulder goes up in a way that it should not do and causes me physical distress. This has been a long time habit that I suspect likely dates back to an injury I had as a preteen doing hand stands and cartwheels in the yard. I recall having a shoulder that was out of place and going to a chiropractor to fix it.

To change my habit is going to take some doing. All ready I have learned how to hold my shoulders down and suck in my abdomen muscles to provide my upper torso better posture support that I need so as to not be in pain. And when I am tired and not tending well to my own needs my posture sinks along side my spirit.

I choose to make time for my physical therapy exercises daily and it takes about 30 minutes to do them all. I choose to pay attention to my posture throughout the day. I go to physical therapy making time for it twice a week. I’ve seen my primary care doctor about it several times over the last few years. More or less I choose to work on it every day all day long. This is a big commitment to carry out and not always simple for me to do. It is work.

This external body change process is really a good analogy for the internal change process too. To change how I deal with my emotional habits also is about work and practice and tending to it every day all day long also. I choose to see specialists and make time and pay attention to my thoughts and emotions and actions.

I’ve decided to give to me to live healthier. I am not always so good about doing that however. So when my head hurts and my feet stink it is my body’s way of getting my attention and helping me learn to shift back my focus on me and take better care as I am out of balance once again!

How do you know when it is time to shift focus back to you?

My dearest little Gurney insisted that I get up way earlier than I wanted to this morning as her tummy has an alarm clock attached to it. And, while I was not all that interested in being up so early it did give me the opportunity to see a beautiful sunrise that otherwise I would have missed.

Watching the sun shine reflected in the clouds and the rays of sun projected in the sky I found myself wondering just how many opportune experiences I miss every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day of my life just in my own back yard let alone in the entire globe. There are so very many wonders of life to take in and sadly I miss so very much in my day to day existence.

It has been a hectic month since my little Gurney kitty got sick and thankfully is well on the mend. I’ve had little time to soak in the wonders in my very own back yard.

I need so very much to have time to sit with me routinely, to be outside this time of year in my yard and flower gardens to smile at the humming birds and look at the colors in the flowers that are blooming so brightly, to walk down the street and enjoy the place I’ve chosen to live.

I’ve only gotten very short moments in the last month to do just that and my body, mind and soul craves more letting me know I need to take better care of me again. I’ve been stretched too thin.

My husband turned 60 this week and my mother turned 80 two weeks ago…how can this be? Time has been in a race that I want so badly to slow down as it scares me. My mind and heart know loss well and know more loss is on the horizon too. My body tenses at the thought. My heart feels heavy too.

My spirit is trying to keep pace and needs some rest and opportunity to rejuvenate…the sunrise, flowers, humming birds and my little Gurney are bringing me just that today! I am grateful for the gift of this day!

What are your body, mind and soul craving in this very moment? What wonders are all around you right now to take in?

As I watched my husband negotiate through a very challenging time this winter I was reminded very personally of a few realities. It is painful to watch someone we love struggle through a hard time—it just is. We want to soothe away their distress and calm their fear and worries, but we can’t kiss it and make it all better. We can offer support, reassurance and love but we don’t have the power to make the wound go away. And even if we did, the life lessons to be gained from the challenges they face would be lost.

The old saying no pain, no gain is really very true. I know I’ve learned so much from working through the really hard realities of my own inner turmoil’s. To give that struggle to those we love by simply hearing of it however, takes courage. It is painful to stand along side someone and simply offer support and comfort. Much easier said than done—as is true of most things in life!

I’ve also been struck by how I missed realizing some of my husband’s really soft emotional spots. I just didn’t know. You’d think after being together seemingly forever, some thirty six years now, one would know just about everything doesn’t it?

I am reminded how little we do really see into the lives, the inner lives of those around us. We think we can know others so well and in truth it is just that: our own thoughts about what others lives are like.

We are all protective of those wounded parts that we all have inside and it takes courage and strength to reveal those tender parts to others around us. And yet, to do our work in healing those very wounds it is exactly that which we all need to do. No one gets through life without having wounds to heal—we are all very human and we can’t do our healing work all alone.

What wounds do you carry deep inside? Who can you entrust in your life to share your burden with?

The hard work of grief

The last three weeks have been exhaustingly stressful here and I was so very tired yesterday that I took a 2 hour nap late in the afternoon. I needed that very badly as I felt rather lifeless. Today I have more energy. I feel life returning to this worn body and spirit of mine.

I walked down the street earlier this morning which I’ve not had time to do for a couple of weeks and it felt good to welcome in the day that way. I’ve missed doing that as it does help to ground me and connect with my dad through the sun, trees, sky, birds that surround me.

As I sit here on my deck, listening to the birds and feeling the sun warm me up as it peeks through the trees I am once again reminded of the simple joys I’ve missed in the stress and hectic times of late. And I am grateful for my life and all that I have been given.

Amazing grace…life is good! And I have so much to be grateful for!

What helps to ground you and allows you to connect with your spirit?

Contact Me and start in Grief Therapy today!

Several years ago my husband and I started referring to our home as the house of three crazy cats—seemed fitting! We decided to have a sign made up and thought it would be great for it to be in Spanish as the words sound more exotic. A dear friend kindly translated the phrase correctly into Spanish and my wonderful Uncle who we lovingly call “Unk” carved a beautiful sign out of wood for us. Our intention had been to hang it on the top of our front door on the outside but the sign is so beautiful that we decided to hang it in the living room instead.

This week “la casa de tres gatos locos” has been seriously threatened with the possible loss of one of those furry “gatos” and we’ve been in flux and stressed out—all 5 of us! Fortunately at the moment my little Gurney is home and making progress but this is a day to day thing.

I spent hours Thursday and Friday at the vet snuggling with her as she is my scared-y cat who goes no where except for her yearly vet trip and hides when ever we have company. In fact most people don’t even know she exists. So being away from home, not feeling well and terribly distressed was not a likely combination for her to get better. I am confident that had I not spent that time with her she would not have come home.

Spending those hours holding on to her was not what I had anticipated for the end of this week at all. We never know what the next moment will bring do we!

I am doing physical therapy for a pinched nerve in my neck and Friday morning during the very last minute of my traction therapy my eyes opened quickly as I came to the realization that I needed to let go and only in that would I find any peace during this ordeal. My husband and I both had anticipated having to say goodbye to her Friday or Saturday as a very dreadful reality.

Shortly after this moment of acceptance my husband text me with incredible news that her kidney numbers had dramatically improved from the day before and the vet was rather excited about that too. I was amazed at the timing of this event and my recognition of that wise voice inside that helped me to let go.

Letting go is about loving. I told my dad before he took his last breath that it was ok for him to go and I did that out of love as hard as it was to do. It is out of loving Gurney that I found my ability to let her go too if the need is there as I don’t want for her to suffer.

This house would/will not be the same with out that little one for sure. I am most grateful for some extra time with her no matter how much that ends up being. While she is making progress there is still more healing for her to do to have quality of life—she has to regain her appetite and eat.

This week has helped me remember what is most important in my life too. Out of bad good does come—if we are open to it.

What do you need to remember as being most important in your life?

I am now a whole year older and that means I have had a bit longer time on this earth to live with my mistakes. It has not an easy task at any age for me to do but I will say I am learning how to give myself some grace. And, I am also figuring out how to laugh at myself and my follies recognizing I am all too very human.

I have a history of challenges with various medications and sensitivity with side effects. One of my more memorable experiences involved passing out and pooping, yes pooping, on my sister’s floor. I was rushed to ER in an ambulance to be stabilized. Such an end to our vacation in Colorado too!

My brother in law will NEVER let me hear the end of that one! I laughed plenty about it for many months till it occurred to me that it was rather traumatic for my husband, sister and brother in law to go through that, not knowing when I passed out what the heck was wrong. I stopped laughing for a bit about it after recognizing that reality.

Just three days ago I decided that I was having some negative side effects to a new allergy medication I’d been on for two weeks to help with my very bad allergies this spring. So I stopped taking it as I really didn’t want to be so sleepy in the afternoons. I had noticed too that I was more irritable and felt depressed.

But unfortunately I didn’t stop it soon enough to be beyond the irritability part when I went to visit my mom. Two days ago the universe and I were so out of sink that no matter what I did it was the wrong thing to do.

I was later than mom was comfortable in arriving, I disappointed her because of that and upon her telling me that fact I exploded at her. I was not able to calm myself down quickly enough before screaming, yes screaming, some things at her and putting my bags back into my car. I scared her. I could see it in her eyes too. I still feel badly for it. I know it was me doing it but I had no control over me at the time for a couple of minutes. That is a very scary place to be!

So yet today I am working through my guilt at causing my mom some anguish that she really didn’t need to experience as she works through her grief with losing my father. It put a bit of a damper on my birthday for sure. It is hard to feel deserving after such a transgression. Owning this is painful to do. I am all too very human for sure!

Life does go on. The sun comes up and the birds sing their welcoming songs. I take a breath and know I can forgive myself too in time.

What things in your life do you struggle with forgiving yourself for having done?

Missing my Dad

I was a tad cranky yesterday and out of sorts in anticipation of this day. Dad’s been here my whole life to celebrate with on this day. It is so strange to not have him here. And yet life goes on as it does. It feels unfair that it does too…everything should stop! I guess that dissociative fog is my way of stopping for a bit.

It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood. The sunrise was magnificent. It is sunny and cool and the birds are singing…a mourning dove is letting me know her sorrow and mine too.

I told my sister in law recently that if I had known a year ago that my dad would die in October I would have moved in with my parents for the summer. Regrets…I spent time with my parents as often as I felt I could but I also know now that there were plenty of other opportunities I let slide by too.

It seems the gift of loss is a realization that things come to an end. And in that I’ve been able more often to take in what this day has to give to me with more appreciation for all I have been given. I am living life a bit more fully perhaps than I was before my dad died.

Savor this Father’s Day as you don’t know if it might be your last one with the wonderful man/men in your life!

Happy Father’s Day Pop! I love you!

What might you do differently if you knew your father would die in the next year?

Contact Me and start Grief Therapy today!

My all time favorite movie is White Christmas. I have to watch it every holiday time. It is a must! I especially love the sister’s act and song they sing because I think of my very dear and special sister!

I am staying at her house this week. Yesterday we drove to Pike’s Peak…well she drove and on the way up I clung to the seat leaning left when the curves and road seemed to want to go off into the clouds. It was a beautiful drive and day. On the way down we listened to John Denver sing Rocky Mountain High and belted out tunes along side him. My mind was more at ease around those curves that I suddenly didn’t even notice. Distractions are a good coping tool in such cases!

I am unwinding…phew! I didn’t even want to get out of bed today. I will be knitting on the deck soon after finishing up this and going for a walk in the Colorado sunshine. This afternoon we are heading for a two hour facial experience complete with a neck/shoulder massage. I will be a pile of mush later this afternoon. They may have to carry me out in a stretcher if they want me to leave…’no, you can’t make me leave!’

My sister spoils me. I love her for that and just for whom she is—a kind, hearty, sweet, gentle soul. She is very successful in her work endeavors and I am very proud of her for that too.

I am so very fortunate to have her as my sister and so very grateful for the close relationship that we share. Not everyone gets to be close to their siblings. I am a very lucky woman! Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters!

For whom in your life are you grateful for in this very moment?

It is Monday of my vacation week and day three here. I am home alone in my sister’s beautiful house with the sun shining and beautiful mountain scenery out the windows. It is a cool day yet outside. I am grateful to be here.

I am tired way down deep and yet my body wants me to keep moving as does my mind. It will take a spell to wind down after months on the go. Parts of me want a long nap. Parts of me want to go for a walk. Parts of me want that book and my knitting that await me.

Settling down will take a bit as my body resists and looks for something to else do…the laundry is folded, and soup is in crock pot for supper already. I knew I needed to be away from my own home to work through these ‘keep yourself busy’ moments. At home there is always something that needs to be done! Resisting the urge ‘to do’ isn’t as simple at home as here.

So here’s to V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N and unwinding and replenishing and renewing me, and to wrestling with the ‘there has to be something I can get up and do’ thinking in order to get there!

How do you unwind best? How do you resist that very idea, too?

I share a house with three cats—three very spoiled and special cats who rule the roost I am afraid. If you’ve never lived with a cat you are missing many of the simple joys life brings. I’ve learned some valuable life lessons from my cats too.

One of my cats really loves to have her head rubbed. Dunkin is a sweet cat. She is smart too. I’ve learned thru her about the value of focusing on one task at a time—you see Dunkin not only demands head attention but she wants your full undivided attention and does in fact know when I am multitasking. She will in her very own sweet way force me to put down my pen, computer, newspaper or whatever I happen to be doing and give her a completely focused head rub. Which isn’t always exactly what I want to be doing either!

They now say that multitasking isn’t good for us, that we accomplish more doing one thing at a time. I gather Dunkin must have heard about that study! So often my mind has way too many thing going on at one time and I struggle with focusing. Well, my dear little Dunkin is helping me learn how to better mindfully focus on one thing at a time. And, it does bring me great enjoyment when I do that which I don’t receive when I am distracted and doing something along with rubbing her up.

This is the gift of mindfulness: a full and complete experience, not missing parts and pieces scattered about thoughtlessly! Ah Dunkin my little teacher….

What do you do mindlessly that you could try mindfully doing? What to you notice to be the difference between your experiences?